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Steven Wright

"My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere."

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"My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere."

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Amber Hurdle

"My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo."

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Amber Hurdle

"It's true, you can never eat a pet you name. And anyway, it would be like a ventriloquist eating his dummy."

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Amber Hurdle

"I have some road rage inside of me. Traffic, especially in L.A., is a pet peeve of mine."

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Amber Hurdle

"I have a Lab, it's fun to hang out and hike with the dog, people come up to him, and pet him, it's fun."

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Amber Hurdle

"Crabbed and obscure definitions are of no use beyond a narrow circle of students, of whom probably every one has a pet one of his own."

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Amber Hurdle

"When a guy tells me I'm cute, it's not something desirable. Cute is more like what you want your pet to be."

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Amber Hurdle

"I was in New York and I walked into this pet store and came out with a dog."

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Amber Hurdle

"I got a pet monkey called Charlie Chan."

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Amber Hurdle

"I don't have pet peeves, I have whole kennels of irritation."

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Amber Hurdle

"I think there's something great and generic about goldfish. They're everybody's first pet."

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Steven Wright
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
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"I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose."
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"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
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"In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number."
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"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant."
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"When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction."
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"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."
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"If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
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Steven Wright
"It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature."
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Steven Wright
"I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side."
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