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Steven Wright

"My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere."

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"My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere."

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Asa Don Brown

"I have a Lab, it's fun to hang out and hike with the dog, people come up to him, and pet him, it's fun."

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"A lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house."

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"It's true, you can never eat a pet you name. And anyway, it would be like a ventriloquist eating his dummy."

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"I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get."

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"I think there's something great and generic about goldfish. They're everybody's first pet."

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"My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo."

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Asa Don Brown

"Gypsy was the name my brother gave a pet turtle he had. I always thought it was so peculiar."

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Asa Don Brown

"I got a pet monkey called Charlie Chan."

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Asa Don Brown

"I don't have pet peeves, I have whole kennels of irritation."

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Asa Don Brown

"I have some road rage inside of me. Traffic, especially in L.A., is a pet peeve of mine."

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"The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing."
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"I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second."
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"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
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"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."
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"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car."
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"I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side."
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"I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose."
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"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
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"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant."
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"I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it."
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