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"My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere."
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"I'm not about to go out and buy a snake for a pet. I mean, I may have faced a few fears but I'm not insane."
"Crabbed and obscure definitions are of no use beyond a narrow circle of students, of whom probably every one has a pet one of his own."
Explore more quotes by Steven Wright
"People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do."
"It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself."
"You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor."
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
"If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?"
"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."
"I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends."
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