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"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"
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"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
Car
"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant."
Friendship
"I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it."
Time
"The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing."
Now
"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car."
Car
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
People
"There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators."
Power
"Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it."
Press
"I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side."
Future
"I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose."
Purpose
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"I had been offered a Hollywood contract before my 18th birthday. It gave me the spark I needed."
Author Name
Personal Development
"With a recent birthday, I've been acting now for twenty years."
Author Name
Personal Development
"When I was little I thought, isn't it nice that everybody celebrates on my birthday? Because it's July 4th."
Author Name
Personal Development
"We didn't have a whole lot of money when I was growing up either. I would always ask for magic books or magic tricks for my birthday or for Christmas and the rest of the year I either had to mow lawns or find part time jobs to help supplement the cost of doing magic."
Author Name
Personal Development
"In 1993 my birthday present was a star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"
Author Name
Personal Development
"I'm most comfortable in my birthday suit."
Author Name
Personal Development
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it."
Author Name
Personal Development
"On a royal birthday every house must fly a flag, or the owner would be dragged to a police station and be fined twenty-five rubles."
Author Name
Personal Development
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