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"Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it."
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"All presidents rail against the press. It goes with the turf."
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Personal Development
"The press is like the peculiar uncle you keep in the attic - just one of those unfortunate things."
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Personal Development
"The press is like a big bass, you just stick a hook in their mouth and they'll take it."
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Personal Development
"The printing press is the greatest weapon in the armoury of the modern commander."
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Personal Development
"Sure I know where the press room is - I just look for where they throw the dog meat."
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Personal Development
"The press is our chief ideological weapon."
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Personal Development
"It's not like I just have to go to Washington and go to the White House everyday, and go to the same press conference at 10 in the morning and then be briefed at 4 in the afternoon, and then get a story on at 6."
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Personal Development
"The press is like the air, a chartered libertine."
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Personal Development
"Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it."
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Personal Development
"Our Republic and its press will rise or fall together."
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"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"
Humor
"People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do."
Art
"You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor."
Creativity
"I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!"
Humor
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
Paradox
"If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?"
Psychology
"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."
Comedy
"I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends."
Comedy
"Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?"
Curiosity
"It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature."
Science
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