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"If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving."
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"If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving."

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45
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

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37
"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."
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"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."

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49
"I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him."
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"I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him."

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32
"While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake."
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"While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake."

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48
"I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car."
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"I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car."

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52
"I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back."
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"I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back."

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21
"If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope."
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"If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope."

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26
"You look like a talent scout for a cemetery."
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"You look like a talent scout for a cemetery."

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26
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
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"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

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25
"I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock."
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"I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock."

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28
"A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well."
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"A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well."

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24
"Take my wife... Please!"
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"Take my wife... Please!"

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32
"I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet."
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"I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet."

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22
"My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!"
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"My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!"

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23
"Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport."
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"Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport."

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29
"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money."
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"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money."

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28
"A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months."
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"A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months."

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40
"If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas."
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"If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas."

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31
"Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it."
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"Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it."

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22
"This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number."
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"This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number."

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39
"I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays."
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"I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays."

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60
"When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say."
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"When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say."

God,
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34
"You have a nice personality, but not for a human being."
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"You have a nice personality, but not for a human being."

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32
"My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash."
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"My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash."

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32
"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."
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"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."

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24
"Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to."
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"Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to."

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60
"My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle."
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"My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle."

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41
"That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!"
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"That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!"

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33
"My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way."
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"My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way."

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36
"This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!"
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"This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!"

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27
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it."
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"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it."

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26
"This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest."
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"This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest."

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25
"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late."
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"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late."

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34
"My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself."
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"My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself."

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27
"A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student."
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"A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student."

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24
"Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering."
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"Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering."

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38
"You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready."
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"You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready."

Wit,
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28
"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?"
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"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?"

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28
"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."
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"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."

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