"My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle."

Drink, Drinks, Right

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"My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle."

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"The last two years with the Eagles were pretty intense times. There was a lot of drinking and we were all getting high a lot. My parents were relieved when I got off the Eagles treadmill."

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Explore more quotes by Henny Youngman

"I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back."

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"Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it."

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"My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself."

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"You look like a talent scout for a cemetery."

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"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late."

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"Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport."

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"If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas."

Life

"If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope."

Mother

"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."

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"A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well."

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