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Henny Youngman

"My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle."

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"My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle."

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Asa Don Brown

"I used to think drinking was the only way to be happy. Now I know there is no way to be happy."

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Personal Development

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Asa Don Brown

"I admit I was drinking a Guinness... but I did not swallow."

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Personal Development

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Asa Don Brown

"Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

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Personal Development

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Asa Don Brown

"Tequila. Straight. There's a real polite drink. You keep drinking until you finally take one more and it just won't go down. Then you know you've reached your limit."

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Personal Development

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Asa Don Brown

"I am not drinking now but I cannot guarantee tomorrow."

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Personal Development

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Asa Don Brown

"You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks."

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Personal Development

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Asa Don Brown

"I keep telling people: Don't make me the poster boy for AA because I don't know a lot about sobriety, but I do know a lot about drinking."

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Personal Development

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Asa Don Brown

"The beard is here because I got tired of shaving and Grissom, subsequently, got tired of shaving. Grissom, like any other 50-year-old man, is going through a series of mid-life changes. Who knows, he may start drinking."

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Personal Development

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Asa Don Brown

"I quit drinking, so I can think clear. When you have chop trouble, drinking doesn't help the healing process."

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Personal Development

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Asa Don Brown

"I get really saucy after a few drinks. Sexy rude, not obnoxious rude."

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Henny Youngman
"This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number."

Service

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Henny Youngman
"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."

Marriage

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Henny Youngman
"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."

Home

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Henny Youngman
"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late."

Sleep

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Henny Youngman
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Music

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Henny Youngman
"You look like a talent scout for a cemetery."

Talent

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Henny Youngman
"I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back."

Wife

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Henny Youngman
"A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well."

Help

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Henny Youngman
"My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!"

Time

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Henny Youngman
"This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest."

Woman

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