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Henny Youngman

"My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle."

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"My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle."

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Amber Hurdle

"I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going."

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Amber Hurdle

"You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks."

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Amber Hurdle

"I get really saucy after a few drinks. Sexy rude, not obnoxious rude."

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Amber Hurdle

"Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times."

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Amber Hurdle

"I'm the kind of person who'll have a few drinks and fall asleep at 11."

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Amber Hurdle

"But I think that the most important thing was to really stop drinking."

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Amber Hurdle

"It's a fairly recent thing but I've become very fond of making drinks myself."

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Amber Hurdle

"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."

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Amber Hurdle

"I dare not drink before a gig because I'll get tired and blow it. So I have to sit drinking tea in a caravan."

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Amber Hurdle

"The last two years with the Eagles were pretty intense times. There was a lot of drinking and we were all getting high a lot. My parents were relieved when I got off the Eagles treadmill."

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Henny Youngman
"I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back."
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Henny Youngman
"Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it."
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Henny Youngman
"My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself."
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Henny Youngman
"You look like a talent scout for a cemetery."
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Henny Youngman
"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late."
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Henny Youngman
"Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport."
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Henny Youngman
"If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas."
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Henny Youngman
"If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope."
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Henny Youngman
"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."
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Henny Youngman
"A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well."
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