Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 53/75

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Quotes by Comedian

"It's not like some movies where you're following a bunch of different stories you can cut around. There was nowhere to cut to. It's these guys. We're not cutting back to anybody else."

"It's not like some movies where you're following a bunch of different stories you can cut around. There was nowhere to cut to. It's these guys. We're not cutting back to anybody else."

Paul Reiser, American Comedian

39

"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."

"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."

Henny Youngman, American Comedian

Home, Love, Affection, Night

39

"I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves."

"I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves."

Ellen DeGeneres, American Comedian

39

"The freelance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps."

"The freelance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps."

Robert Benchley, American Comedian

Man, Word, Writer

39

"I have a very warm spot in my heart for Vegas."

"I have a very warm spot in my heart for Vegas."

Louie Anderson, American Comedian

39

"I ask myself why I do it. Maybe it's to prove I'm still around. It takes a lot out of my body. I'm not an NBA player anymore. At my age, very few people can handle it."

"I ask myself why I do it. Maybe it's to prove I'm still around. It takes a lot out of my body. I'm not an NBA player anymore. At my age, very few people can handle it."

Jerry Stiller, American Comedian

Age, People, Body

39

"It's really live television, the way God meant it to be."

"It's really live television, the way God meant it to be."

Bruce Vilanch, American Comedian

God, Television

39

"And now they are getting married, and I'm still single! What's wrong with me?"

"And now they are getting married, and I'm still single! What's wrong with me?"

Mark McKinney, Canadian Comedian

39

"And the goal really is to make the audience laugh, to bring them some joy."

"And the goal really is to make the audience laugh, to bring them some joy."

Todd Barry, American Comedian

39

"I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it."

"I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

People, Compliment, Name

39

"We did six records, then six movies. Now we need to do six of something else, so we get 666 - and then our master Satan can return!"

"We did six records, then six movies. Now we need to do six of something else, so we get 666 - and then our master Satan can return!"

Cheech Marin, American Comedian

Movies, Now, Satan

39

"My boyfriend and I live together, which means we don't have sex - ever. Now that the milk is free, we've both become lactose intolerant."

"My boyfriend and I live together, which means we don't have sex - ever. Now that the milk is free, we've both become lactose intolerant."

Margaret Cho, American Comedian

Sex, Boyfriend, Now

39

"You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot."

"You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot."

Elayne Boosler, American Comedian

Man, Walking, Woman

39

"The marvelous thing about a joke with a double meaning is that it can only mean one thing."

"The marvelous thing about a joke with a double meaning is that it can only mean one thing."

Ronnie Barker, English Comedian

39

"No-one really feels self-confident deep down becuase it's an artifical idea. Really, people aren't that worried about what you're doing or what you're saying, so you can drift around the world relatively anonymously: you must not feel persucted and examined. Liberate yourself from that idea that people are watching you."

"No-one really feels self-confident deep down becuase it's an artifical idea. Really, people aren't that worried about what you're doing or what you're saying, so you can drift around the world relatively anonymously: you must not feel persucted and examined. Liberate yourself from that idea that people are watching you."

Russell Brand, English Comedian

People, Idea, Deep, Saying

39

"We have four beautiful children and some wonderful memories."

"We have four beautiful children and some wonderful memories."

Damon Wayans, American Comedian

Children, Memories

39

"I was the same kind of father as I was a harpist - I played by ear."

"I was the same kind of father as I was a harpist - I played by ear."

Harpo Marx, American Comedian

39

"Regis and I were inducted into the original Bronx Walk of Fame."

"Regis and I were inducted into the original Bronx Walk of Fame."

Robert Klein, American Comedian

39

"The animals that depend on instinct have an inherent knowledge of the laws of economics and of how to apply them; Man, with his powers of reason, has reduced economics to the level of a farce which is at once funnier and more tragic than Tobacco Road."

"The animals that depend on instinct have an inherent knowledge of the laws of economics and of how to apply them; Man, with his powers of reason, has reduced economics to the level of a farce which is at once funnier and more tragic than Tobacco Road."

James Thurber, American Comedian

Knowledge, Animals, Economics, Instinct

39

"The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter."

"The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter."

Lenny Bruce, American Comedian

39

"You have to be funny about it and honest about it. You can't leave yourself out of that mix. You have to be honest enough to say, I'm that messed-up one in the family."

"You have to be funny about it and honest about it. You can't leave yourself out of that mix. You have to be honest enough to say, I'm that messed-up one in the family."

Louie Anderson, American Comedian

39

"Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."

"Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."

George Carlin, American Comedian

Time, Work, People, Dream

39

"I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time."

"I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time."

Bill Cosby, American Comedian

Time, Wife, Idea, Children

39

"Nothing is going to stop Mike Tyson that doesn't have a motor attached."

"Nothing is going to stop Mike Tyson that doesn't have a motor attached."

David Brenner, American Comedian

39

"The whole romantic part of my life was a wipeout. I didn't even own a belt."

"The whole romantic part of my life was a wipeout. I didn't even own a belt."

Paul Lynde, American Comedian

39

"I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that's where us gay people come from... you heterosexuals."

"I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that's where us gay people come from... you heterosexuals."

Ellen DeGeneres, American Comedian

39

"Never get into an argument with a schizophrenic person and say, "Who do you think you are?""

"Never get into an argument with a schizophrenic person and say, "Who do you think you are?""

Ray Combs, American Comedian

39

"I actually was class clown, but I don't know how that happened because I've never been considered an outwardly funny person-as the people in this room will attest."

"I actually was class clown, but I don't know how that happened because I've never been considered an outwardly funny person-as the people in this room will attest."

Janeane Garofalo, American Comedian

Funny, People, Class, Will

39

"I am a quick study - I can memorize a script in an hour - but I can't remember a name three seconds. I've even forgotten my wife's name on occasion."

"I am a quick study - I can memorize a script in an hour - but I can't remember a name three seconds. I've even forgotten my wife's name on occasion."

Don Adams, American Comedian

Wife, Name, Quick, Study

39

"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made."

"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made."

Joan Rivers, American Comedian

Money, Happiness, People, Key

39

"Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners."

"Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

39

"I wish I could believe that one person could make a difference."

"I wish I could believe that one person could make a difference."

Tracey Ullman, British Comedian

39

"God's children and their happiness are my reasons for being."

"God's children and their happiness are my reasons for being."

Red Skelton, American Comedian

Happiness, God, Being, Children

39

"If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work."

"If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

39

"The thing I thought about doing it was it's Comic Relief and you've got to be funny. So although I did try to sing properly it obviously has hilarious results when you can't sing."

"The thing I thought about doing it was it's Comic Relief and you've got to be funny. So although I did try to sing properly it obviously has hilarious results when you can't sing."

Jo Brand, British Comedian

Funny, Thought, Results

39

"Kabul is a walled city, which sounds romantic except the walls are pre-cast reinforced concrete blast barriers, 10 feet tall and 15 feet long and moved into place with cranes. The walls are topped with sandbags, and the sandbags are topped with guard posts from which gun barrels protrude."

"Kabul is a walled city, which sounds romantic except the walls are pre-cast reinforced concrete blast barriers, 10 feet tall and 15 feet long and moved into place with cranes. The walls are topped with sandbags, and the sandbags are topped with guard posts from which gun barrels protrude."

P. J. O'Rourke, American Comedian

City, War, Urbanism, Security, Violence

39

"If Antarctica were music it would be Mozart. Art, and it would be Michelangelo. Literature, and it would be Shakespeare. And yet it is something even greater; the only place on earth that is still as it should be. May we never tame it."

"If Antarctica were music it would be Mozart. Art, and it would be Michelangelo. Literature, and it would be Shakespeare. And yet it is something even greater; the only place on earth that is still as it should be. May we never tame it."

Andrew Denton, Australian Comedian

Music, Art, Earth, Literature

39

"Acid gave me a clinical, unblinking look at madness, and I discovered I wasn't brave enough to be insane."

"Acid gave me a clinical, unblinking look at madness, and I discovered I wasn't brave enough to be insane."

Craig Ferguson, Scottish Comedian

Psychology, Madness, Insight, Fear, Reality

39

"If people see me in some sort of niche, then that's fine. As long as it's not The Naked Guy, I don't care."

"If people see me in some sort of niche, then that's fine. As long as it's not The Naked Guy, I don't care."

Rob Corddry, American Comedian

39

"Federal prison, if you get any of it, you're going to have to do 85% of it. And the reason why I called it that is because I had a friend who got sent to the federal joint and his whole... it wasn't about him being in jail. He cried about the 85%."

"Federal prison, if you get any of it, you're going to have to do 85% of it. And the reason why I called it that is because I had a friend who got sent to the federal joint and his whole... it wasn't about him being in jail. He cried about the 85%."

Mike Epps, American Comedian

Friendship, Friend, Being, Prison, Reason

39

"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom."

"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom."

Bob Hope, American Comedian

Dance, Brothers, Waiting

39

"We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn't it either. I'm going to be an American Citizen. First class."

"We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn't it either. I'm going to be an American Citizen. First class."

Dick Gregory, American Comedian

Thought, Class, First

39

"The first year or so on The Daily Show is pretty intense in terms of travel. You're going to the worst places in the country, talking to the craziest people in the world."

"The first year or so on The Daily Show is pretty intense in terms of travel. You're going to the worst places in the country, talking to the craziest people in the world."

Rob Corddry, American Comedian

Travel, People, Country, First

39

"He was in awe of the thirst that people had for someone to tell them that everything was going to be all right. He marveled at the gullibility and vulnerability of his fellow humans. No wonder the churches called them sheep. They were woolly - headed pack animals being herded around for the benefit of whoever knew how to control the dogs."

"He was in awe of the thirst that people had for someone to tell them that everything was going to be all right. He marveled at the gullibility and vulnerability of his fellow humans. No wonder the churches called them sheep. They were woolly - headed pack animals being herded around for the benefit of whoever knew how to control the dogs."

Craig Ferguson, Scottish Comedian

Present, Faith, Manipulation, Society, Control

39

"Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down."

"Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down."

Jimmy Durante, American Comedian

39

"Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first."

"Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first."

Bill Cosby, American Comedian

First, Immortality

39

"If I have a rough day, and I'm angry, I'll just go into Kirk Douglas and throw over a table. And when I need to lift my spirits, Kermit can always do the trick."

"If I have a rough day, and I'm angry, I'll just go into Kirk Douglas and throw over a table. And when I need to lift my spirits, Kermit can always do the trick."

Rich Little, Canadian Comedian

39

"My father was the guy on the block who said hi to everyone."

"My father was the guy on the block who said hi to everyone."

Damon Wayans, American Comedian

39

"You know what your problem is, it's that you haven't seen enough movies - all of life's riddles are answered in the movies."

"You know what your problem is, it's that you haven't seen enough movies - all of life's riddles are answered in the movies."

Steve Martin, American Comedian

39

"Find something in life that you love doing. If you make a lot of money, that's a bonus, and if you don't, you still won't hate going to work."

"Find something in life that you love doing. If you make a lot of money, that's a bonus, and if you don't, you still won't hate going to work."

Jeff Foxworthy, American Comedian

Life, Love, Work, Money

39

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