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Quotes by Comedian
"No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to."
31
"A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well."
31
"Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much."
31
"Armageddon is not around the corner. This is only what the people of violence want us to believe. The complexity and diversity of the world is the hope for the future."
31
"There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation."
31
"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
31
"I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be."
31
"I haven't got as much money as some folks, but I've got as much impudence as any of them, and that's the next thing to money."
31
"The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him."
31
"Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish."
31
"I prefer the smaller budget versus the bigger budget because the mentality that goes along with big budget filmmaking doesn't really suit me; the mind-set that money is the answer."
31
"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."
31
"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote."
31
"Sometimes when we are generous in small, barely detectable ways it can change someone else's life forever."
31
"It's more fun in a way to do ensemble scenes, where you know your background, you know the scene, but you can't prepare because someone else is going to say something that is going to lead you off."
Fun,
31
"I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me."
31
"When I said I didn't have a cent, I didn't. I used to get annoyed with people who said they were broke when they had five dollars."
31
"A room is like a stage. If you see it without lighting, it can be the coldest place in the world."
31
"I'm currently in an interesting correspondence with a nun about forgiveness."
31
"Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them."
31
"I love the TV show, and if you make a bad movie it means you've soiled it. Just like if we made an advert. We were offered so many times and I'd say, look, this is the good thing, and you can't compromise that, because then you compromise the integrity of the characters."
31
"We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion."
31
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on."
31
"Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch."
31
"All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it."
30
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