"They make a humongous profit, but the people that work on the shows don't get paid a lot because they're working on the Oscars show. It's the biggest show in the world."

"Eddie Izzard is absolutely brilliant. I would love to write something for him."

"What makes me laugh? Richard Nixon always made me laugh."

"It's the biggest party in the world, and you have to keep the whole thing percolating, which is difficult because a lot of awards most people don't care about."

"I write screenplays that don't get made and pilots that don't get picked up, and I re-write other people's movies, and those are all different kinds of fees."

"I mean, I've sold all these scripts and nothing's been made. Studios have closed, stars have died. I had a director find Jesus. And the pictures just don't get made."

"It's really live television, the way God meant it to be."

"I mean, when I started out I was billing per hour, like a shrink because you would sit with somebody and work. But most of it, if it's for a live show it's usually a buy-out. A flat fee."