Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 39/75

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Quotes by Comedian

"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."

"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

Hate, London, Weather

35

"People who don't use the tools given to them only injure themselves."

"People who don't use the tools given to them only injure themselves."

Debra Wilson, American Comedian

35

"Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door."

"Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door."

Jeff Foxworthy, American Comedian

35

"Even when I'm not directing, that doesn't stop Owen from having ideas for what I should be doing."

"Even when I'm not directing, that doesn't stop Owen from having ideas for what I should be doing."

Ben Stiller, American Comedian

35

"People do give me a hard time about my hair because it's orange and it's big."

"People do give me a hard time about my hair because it's orange and it's big."

Carrot Top, American Comedian

Time, People, Hair

35

"My family is very theatrical."

"My family is very theatrical."

Debra Wilson, American Comedian

35

"All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner."

"All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner."

Red Skelton, American Comedian

35

"The thing that cracks me up is how these reality characters start out thrilled and excited just to be on television, and how they move to thinking they are as big as the Friends."

"The thing that cracks me up is how these reality characters start out thrilled and excited just to be on television, and how they move to thinking they are as big as the Friends."

Kathy Griffin, American Comedian

Friendship, Friends, Reality, Television, Thinking

35

"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light."

"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light."

Rodney Dangerfield, American Comedian

Wife, Light, Now

35

"We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly."

"We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

Building, Cowards, Want

35

"My way of making people like me was to make 'em laugh."

"My way of making people like me was to make 'em laugh."

Carrot Top, American Comedian

35

"Cedric, man, it's like if I'm working with you, like I'm sitting here now talking to you, I want to get along with you. That's how I am. I feel like if I get along with you, the work will be splendid."

"Cedric, man, it's like if I'm working with you, like I'm sitting here now talking to you, I want to get along with you. That's how I am. I feel like if I get along with you, the work will be splendid."

Mike Epps, American Comedian

Work, Man, Now, Talking

35

"Yeah, but you need an experienced radio veteran who is a liberal advocate. And there just hadn't been any radio that did that. And so they weren't trained - they had developed all these bad habits of being objective and balanced and stuff like that."

"Yeah, but you need an experienced radio veteran who is a liberal advocate. And there just hadn't been any radio that did that. And so they weren't trained - they had developed all these bad habits of being objective and balanced and stuff like that."

Al Franken, American Comedian

Being, Habits, Liberal

35

"My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set."

"My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

35

"I love to come in and play with a wig or glasses or clothes. I love using props. I'm from the Peter Sellers school of trying to prepare for the character."

"I love to come in and play with a wig or glasses or clothes. I love using props. I'm from the Peter Sellers school of trying to prepare for the character."

Dan Aykroyd, Canadian Comedian

Love, Character, Clothes, Play

35

"Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling just a bit unchivalrous."

"Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling just a bit unchivalrous."

Robert Benchley, American Comedian

Feelings, Feeling, Man, Woman

35

"Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands."

"Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands."

Jerry Lewis, American Comedian

Dream, Man, Woman

35

"Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?"

"Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?"

Bill Maher, American Comedian

Technology, Humor, Observation, Truth

35

"The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive."

"The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive."

W. C. Fields, American Comedian

35

"Yes, I would say my comedy is grunge, evidenced by the fact my jokes have put an end to big-hair glam comedy."

"Yes, I would say my comedy is grunge, evidenced by the fact my jokes have put an end to big-hair glam comedy."

Joel McHale, American Comedian

Comedy, End, Fact, Jokes

35

"Curious people are intersting people, I wonder why that is."

"Curious people are intersting people, I wonder why that is."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

35

"For some reason I did something where I realized I could get a reaction. That was when I broke out of my shell at school, because I really didn't have any friends or anything like that and I just kind of was going along, and then finally I did this zany thing, and all of a sudden I had tons of friends."

"For some reason I did something where I realized I could get a reaction. That was when I broke out of my shell at school, because I really didn't have any friends or anything like that and I just kind of was going along, and then finally I did this zany thing, and all of a sudden I had tons of friends."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

Friendship, Friends, Reason, School

35

"And, we put a lot more value, or at least I personally put a lot more value, on the creative values and creative challenges of something than the commercial necessities."

"And, we put a lot more value, or at least I personally put a lot more value, on the creative values and creative challenges of something than the commercial necessities."

Rowan Atkinson, English Comedian

35

"I'm happy to say that I'm a lesbian in the world. I know there are people who don't want to be called women comedians, but I think it gives a path to the fact that we live in extremely patriarchal times."

"I'm happy to say that I'm a lesbian in the world. I know there are people who don't want to be called women comedians, but I think it gives a path to the fact that we live in extremely patriarchal times."

Kate Clinton, American Comedian

Woman, Women, People, Comedians, Fact

35

"I'd much rather have sat there and just been a fly on the wall, instead of having to smile at people. I'd rather have been a waitress. Just gone round and stared at people."

"I'd much rather have sat there and just been a fly on the wall, instead of having to smile at people. I'd rather have been a waitress. Just gone round and stared at people."

Jennifer Saunders, British Comedian

35

"My brothers can be a little out of control sometimes and so somebody has to be able to keep them focused."

"My brothers can be a little out of control sometimes and so somebody has to be able to keep them focused."

Keenen Ivory Wayans, American Comedian

Control, Brothers

35

"Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy."

"Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy."

Spike Milligan, Irish Comedian

Money, Class, Enemy, Friends

35

"I get all of my comedy from CNN."

"I get all of my comedy from CNN."

Rob Corddry, American Comedian

35

"In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some."

"In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some."

Emo Philips, American Comedian

35

"Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued."

"Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued."

Bob Hope, American Comedian

35

"I'm traveling the world, ripping rooms apart with my stupendous comedy."

"I'm traveling the world, ripping rooms apart with my stupendous comedy."

Todd Barry, American Comedian

Comedy, Traveling, World

35

"To me, there is no greater act of courage than being the one who kisses first."

"To me, there is no greater act of courage than being the one who kisses first."

Janeane Garofalo, American Comedian

Courage, Act, Being, First

35

"Pressure and stress is the common cold of the psyche."

"Pressure and stress is the common cold of the psyche."

Andrew Denton, Australian Comedian

Pressure, Stress

35

"There are two kinds of fools: those who can't change their opinions and those who won't."

"There are two kinds of fools: those who can't change their opinions and those who won't."

Josh Billings, American Comedian

Change, Opinions

35

"I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didn't like at school. I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little short story where she would kill him in a different way."

"I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didn't like at school. I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little short story where she would kill him in a different way."

Stephen Colbert, American Comedian

Day, Friends, School

35

"For a nation which has an almost evil reputation for bustle, bustle, bustle, and rush, rush, rush, we spend an enormous amount of time standing around in line in front of windows, just waiting."

"For a nation which has an almost evil reputation for bustle, bustle, bustle, and rush, rush, rush, we spend an enormous amount of time standing around in line in front of windows, just waiting."

Robert Benchley, American Comedian

Time, Evil, Nation, Reputation

35

"I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless."

"I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless."

Billy Connolly, Scottish Comedian

35

"People ask me to record their answering machines all the time. I love it. It's a miracle to me that people want to hear back those characters."

"People ask me to record their answering machines all the time. I love it. It's a miracle to me that people want to hear back those characters."

Mike Myers, Canadian Comedian

Love, Time, People, Machines

35

"There are people who are always anticipating trouble, and in this way they manage to enjoy many sorrows that never really happen to them."

"There are people who are always anticipating trouble, and in this way they manage to enjoy many sorrows that never really happen to them."

Josh Billings, American Comedian

People, Trouble

35

"There seems to be more comedy for comedy's sake."

"There seems to be more comedy for comedy's sake."

Todd Barry, American Comedian

35

"I have a lot of nervous energy. Work is my best way of channelling that into something productive unless I want to wind up assaulting the postman or gardener."

"I have a lot of nervous energy. Work is my best way of channelling that into something productive unless I want to wind up assaulting the postman or gardener."

Ben Stiller, American Comedian

Work, Energy, Want, Wind

35

"I throw it all in there, Kung Fu, blaxploitation, horror."

"I throw it all in there, Kung Fu, blaxploitation, horror."

Keenen Ivory Wayans, American Comedian

35

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."

Paul Rodriguez, Mexican Comedian

War, God, Geography, Teaching

35

"Music is a great energizer. It's a language everybody knows."

"Music is a great energizer. It's a language everybody knows."

Bill Hicks, American Comedian

Music, Language

35

"A lot of gay men have a lot of sex. That's what we do. But I've stopped all that-the revolving door into my bedroom. Promiscuity. That was of its day, really."

"A lot of gay men have a lot of sex. That's what we do. But I've stopped all that-the revolving door into my bedroom. Promiscuity. That was of its day, really."

Julian Clary, English Comedian

Men, Sex, Day, Gay

35

"I wouldn't mind paying taxes - if I knew they were going to a friendly country."

"I wouldn't mind paying taxes - if I knew they were going to a friendly country."

Dick Gregory, American Comedian

Country, Mind, Taxes

35

"Old is always fifteen years from now."

"Old is always fifteen years from now."

Bill Cosby, American Comedian

Now, Old, Years

35

"I did movie star impressions as a kid in high school. Somehow they just got out of hand."

"I did movie star impressions as a kid in high school. Somehow they just got out of hand."

Don Adams, American Comedian

35

"We all know how 'modern democracies take loaves from the wealthy.' It's the slipups in the 'pass them out to the poor' department that inspire a study of Economics."

"We all know how 'modern democracies take loaves from the wealthy.' It's the slipups in the 'pass them out to the poor' department that inspire a study of Economics."

P. J. O'Rourke, American Comedian

Economics, Observation, Politics, Wealth

35

"There were a lot of areas we didn't cover that I'm hoping to cover if we do some specials. One is to see more of Patsy's home and her home life, which is just the saddest thing."

"There were a lot of areas we didn't cover that I'm hoping to cover if we do some specials. One is to see more of Patsy's home and her home life, which is just the saddest thing."

Jennifer Saunders, British Comedian

35

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