Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 34/75

top of page

Quotes by Comedian

"I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red."

"I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red."

David Letterman, American Comedian

37

"You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old."

"You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old."

George Burns, American Comedian

37

"Have you ever talked to someone, and you're not even really talking to them? Actors are the worst for that."

"Have you ever talked to someone, and you're not even really talking to them? Actors are the worst for that."

Joe Rogan, American Comedian

Actor, Actors, Talking

37

"Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries."

"Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries."

Bill Cosby, American Comedian

Mistake, Coffee, Day

37

"The best comedy I ever did was when people didn't know who I was."

"The best comedy I ever did was when people didn't know who I was."

Chevy Chase, American Comedian

37

"In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant. One motto on the show is, 'Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.'"

"In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant. One motto on the show is, 'Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.'"

Stephen Colbert, American Comedian

Truth, Facts, Order

37

"I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me."

"I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me."

Jay London, American Comedian

Identity, Theft, Worry

37

"I used to be good with kids, but as I get older, I'm grumpy and terrible with them. As for doing a gig at a 6-year old's birthday party, you couldn't pay me enough."

"I used to be good with kids, but as I get older, I'm grumpy and terrible with them. As for doing a gig at a 6-year old's birthday party, you couldn't pay me enough."

Johnny Vegas, British Comedian

Birthday, Kids, Old, Party

37

"If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf."

"If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf."

Bob Hope, American Comedian

Work, Fun, Golf, Play

37

"My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping."

"My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping."

Rita Rudner, American Comedian

Mother, Husbands

37

"That's what we wanted to get across in that moment, particularly when Shaun goes to the shop when he's all hung over. He doesn't notice any of the zombies around him just because he never had before, so why should he at that point?"

"That's what we wanted to get across in that moment, particularly when Shaun goes to the shop when he's all hung over. He doesn't notice any of the zombies around him just because he never had before, so why should he at that point?"

Simon Pegg, British Comedian

37

"The past is an old armchair in the attic, the present an ominous ticking sound, and the future is anybody's guess."

"The past is an old armchair in the attic, the present an ominous ticking sound, and the future is anybody's guess."

James Thurber, American Comedian

Future, Old, Past, Present

37

"Whatever talent I had, I'm sure it helped that my parents were in the business and that I grew up around actors, comedians and directors."

"Whatever talent I had, I'm sure it helped that my parents were in the business and that I grew up around actors, comedians and directors."

Ben Stiller, American Comedian

Business, Talent, Actors, Comedians

37

"I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too."

"I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

37

"Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV."

"Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV."

Jerry Seinfeld, American Comedian

37

"I believe that laughter is a language of God and that we can all live happily ever laughter."

"I believe that laughter is a language of God and that we can all live happily ever laughter."

Yakov Smirnoff, Russian Comedian

God, Language, Laughter

37

"I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it, it takes another two or three hours a day. I don't want to give two or three more hours away."

"I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it, it takes another two or three hours a day. I don't want to give two or three more hours away."

Jeff Foxworthy, American Comedian

37

"I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do."

"I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do."

Lenny Bruce, American Comedian

37

"Knight without fear and without reproach."

"Knight without fear and without reproach."

Richard Harris Barham, English Comedian

37

"Everything runs its course. We had told a lot of stories that happened in our life. My kid was getting older, and we were running out of stories to tell."

"Everything runs its course. We had told a lot of stories that happened in our life. My kid was getting older, and we were running out of stories to tell."

Howie Mandel, Canadian Comedian

37

"I do road gigs occasionally but I don't want to go out on the road for months at a time."

"I do road gigs occasionally but I don't want to go out on the road for months at a time."

Kathy Griffin, American Comedian

Time, Months, Road, Want

37

"A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get killed."

"A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get killed."

George Carlin, American Comedian

Life, Survival, Humor, Realism

37

"I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark."

"I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark."

Dick Gregory, American Comedian

37

"I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

"I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

Home, Car, Machine, Now

37

"I love Costas. He's knows too much, but he's a good guy."

"I love Costas. He's knows too much, but he's a good guy."

Wanda Sykes, American Comedian

37

"You would be surprised of films that people just don't see. You know what I mean? I'm always working and I'm a film buff but I'm an old school film buff."

"You would be surprised of films that people just don't see. You know what I mean? I'm always working and I'm a film buff but I'm an old school film buff."

Mike Epps, American Comedian

People, Film, Old, School

37

"We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists."

"We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

People, Country, Sheep

37

"My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it."

"My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it."

Rodney Dangerfield, American Comedian

Wife, Day, Eye, Trying

37

"You look like a talent scout for a cemetery."

"You look like a talent scout for a cemetery."

Henny Youngman, American Comedian

37

"We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops people from thinking. I think it justified crazies."

"We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops people from thinking. I think it justified crazies."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

Religion, People, Nation, Thinking

37

"My dad was a ham, too. He could sell those women anything. Of all his sons, I was the only one he could trust to sell as well as he could. I was proud of that."

"My dad was a ham, too. He could sell those women anything. Of all his sons, I was the only one he could trust to sell as well as he could. I was proud of that."

Paul Lynde, American Comedian

Father, Dad, Trust, Women, Sons

37

"I'm particularly proud of my reluctance to share my dreams with anyone."

"I'm particularly proud of my reluctance to share my dreams with anyone."

Todd Barry, American Comedian

37

"Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid."

"Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid."

Rita Rudner, American Comedian

Men, People, Woman

37

"I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot."

"I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

Humor, Life, Observation, Youth

37

"I don't believe in this business of being behind, better to be in front."

"I don't believe in this business of being behind, better to be in front."

Mel Brooks, American Comedian

Business, Being

37

"Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress."

"Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress."

Joan Rivers, American Comedian

Dress, England, Needs, Queen

37

"I never weigh myself, but the brutal truth of television is that they don't employ old people or fat people."

"I never weigh myself, but the brutal truth of television is that they don't employ old people or fat people."

Ruby Wax, American Comedian

Truth, People, Old, Television

37

"I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere."

"I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere."

George Burns, American Comedian

37

"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research."

"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

Plagiarism, Research, Humor, Idea

37

"Television is the triumph of machine over people."

"Television is the triumph of machine over people."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

People, Machine, Television

37

"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it."

"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it."

Jay Leno, American Comedian

Men, Women, HusbSuccessful, America

37

"If by chance some day you're not feeling well and you should remember some silly thing I've said or done and it brings back a smile to your face or a chuckle to your heart, then my purpose as your clown has been fulfilled."

"If by chance some day you're not feeling well and you should remember some silly thing I've said or done and it brings back a smile to your face or a chuckle to your heart, then my purpose as your clown has been fulfilled."

Red Skelton, American Comedian

Heart, Purpose, Chance, Day

37

"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."

"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

Music, Justice, Military

37

"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."

"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."

Spike Milligan, Irish Comedian

37

"I have three daughters. I wanted them to be raised where there are real seasons and where everyone their age wasn't trying to get into movies."

"I have three daughters. I wanted them to be raised where there are real seasons and where everyone their age wasn't trying to get into movies."

Chevy Chase, American Comedian

Age, Movies, Daughters, Seasons

37

"Stormy in love, stormy in interviews, breakfast in bed - that's me, love."

"Stormy in love, stormy in interviews, breakfast in bed - that's me, love."

Graham Chapman, British Comedian

37

"Oh, completely liberating because even if you don't do a woman right, you just have to put on high heels a wig, a bra and a dress, and I feel liberated."

"Oh, completely liberating because even if you don't do a woman right, you just have to put on high heels a wig, a bra and a dress, and I feel liberated."

Kevin McDonald, Canadian Comedian

Dress, Right, Woman

37

"A laugh is a surprise. And all humor is physical. I was always athletic, so that came naturally to me."

"A laugh is a surprise. And all humor is physical. I was always athletic, so that came naturally to me."

Chevy Chase, American Comedian

37

"I think the character does tend to suit an episodic thing, because what's fun about him is that he doesn't care about anyone else, and it's very difficult for a main character - a lead character - in a movie to not care about anybody else."

"I think the character does tend to suit an episodic thing, because what's fun about him is that he doesn't care about anyone else, and it's very difficult for a main character - a lead character - in a movie to not care about anybody else."

Rowan Atkinson, English Comedian

Character, Care, Fun

37

"I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine."

"I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine."

Rita Rudner, American Comedian

37

bottom of page