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Quotes by Comedian
"We try to... we are, I suppose to a certain extent all affected and erm, that is both funny and sad I think."
47
"Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck."
47
"Nothing separates the generations more than music. By the time a child is eight or nine, he has developed a passion for his own music that is even stronger than his passions for procrastination and weird clothes."
47
"If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me."
47
"You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R."
47
"I told her that I didn't want to take any drugs. That I had come here not to take drugs. 'Listen, ' she said, not unkindly, 'up until now I would say that ninety - nine percent of all the narcotics you have taken in your life you bought from guys you didn't know, in bathrooms or on street corners, something like that. Correct?'I nodded.'Well these guys could have been selling you salt or strychnine. They didn't care. They wanted your money. I don't care about your money, and, unlike your previous suppliers, I went to college to study just the right drugs to give to people like you in order to help you get better. So, bearing all that in mind ... Take the fucking drugs!'I took the drugs."
47
"I'm particularly proud of my reluctance to share my dreams with anyone."
47
"My advice: just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place."
47
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
47
"When I started out in 1960, I thought it might possibly last a couple of years. I never expected it to last 42. I take great satisfaction in that longevity."
47
"A woman would pitch a joke. Nothing. Then a guy would pitch it and everybody would laugh."
47
"Stormy in love, stormy in interviews, breakfast in bed - that's me, love."
47
"I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it."
47
"You don't sit down and write a wish list about the person you are going to fall violently in love with. It just doesn't work like that."
47
"Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making."
47
"Love in all eight tones and all five semitones of the word's full octave."
46
"The world is infinitely more complex than it appeared to me 15 years ago."
46
"The Steve Allen Sunday night show had the right to two options after my first performance."
46
"It's all false pressure; you put the heat on yourself, you get it from the networks and record companies and movie studios. You put more pressure on yourself to make everything that much harder."
46
"The appreciative smile, the chuckle, the soundless mirth, so important to the success of comedy, cannot be understood unless one sits among the audience and feels the warmth created by the quality of laughter that the audience takes home with it."
46
"You have to have talent. You have to get the audition and then you have to nail the audition."
46
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