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Quotes by Comedian
"Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you."
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"Ability is of little account without opportunity."
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"This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now."
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"Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope."
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"Don't order one for the road, because the road is already laid out."
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"Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners."
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"I have a new joke today. Martha Stewart's on suicide watch. They had to unplug all of her ovens."
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"In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One."
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"Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral."
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"It's the Power of the Almighty, the Splendor of Nature, and then you."
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"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?"
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"If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat."
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"Desperation is a necessary ingredient to learning anything, or creating anything. Period. If you ain't desperate at some point, you ain't interesting."
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"What kind of morons do you have working at newspapers in Austin that would base an entire review of an artist's performance on whether or not they had a good seat?"
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"Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway."
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"About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment."
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"If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters."
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"Every time I see Peter Falk in the movie I think that would be great. We'd be fun together."
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"I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine."
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"I'm not against half naked girls - not as often as I'd like to be."
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"People who don't use the tools given to them only injure themselves."
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"I'm under stress. They killed me on wikipedia. They killed me. And I didn't stay dead long enough to sell no DVDs. I didn't even stay dead long enough - I was too stupid. I should've stayed low. I should've laid low. I could've been gone for a year; I'd have made money. And then I'd have risen from the dead."
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"I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me."
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"When you enter a room, you have to kiss his ring. I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket."
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"Don't bother me while I'm eating, or when I'm coming out of the crackhouse or something. Just let me get going."
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"Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese."
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"My first public impression was my French teacher, Derek Swift."
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"One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like."
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"My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality."
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"It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things."
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"If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'"
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"I made about 28 movies, and I think about five of them were good."
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"It was a decision to work clean. I just prefer to work that way. I have no problem with comedians who don't work that way. There was a temptation in the early '70s to reconsider. I decided against it."
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