Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 16/75

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Quotes by Comedian

"I've made 30 movies and for the most part my movies work. In a business where success is an exception and not the rule, I've mostly been successful."

"I've made 30 movies and for the most part my movies work. In a business where success is an exception and not the rule, I've mostly been successful."

Eddie Murphy, American Comedian

Business, Movies, Success, Work

56

"Rhetoric does not get you anywhere, because Hitler and Mussolini are just as good at rhetoric. But if you can bring these people down with comedy, they stand no chance."

"Rhetoric does not get you anywhere, because Hitler and Mussolini are just as good at rhetoric. But if you can bring these people down with comedy, they stand no chance."

Mel Brooks, American Comedian

People, Chance, Comedy, Rhetoric

56

"The best time for you to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust."

"The best time for you to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust."

Josh Billings, American Comedian

56

"The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travellers pay the expense of it."

"The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travellers pay the expense of it."

Josh Billings, American Comedian

56

"So that this thing that aired in 1963 would result a few years later in personal bankruptcy, would result in having people be on edge with me, wondering when I'm going to blow up."

"So that this thing that aired in 1963 would result a few years later in personal bankruptcy, would result in having people be on edge with me, wondering when I'm going to blow up."

Shelley Berman, American Comedian

People, Result, Years

56

"My focus is to forget the pain of life. Forget the pain, mock the pain, reduce it. And laugh."

"My focus is to forget the pain of life. Forget the pain, mock the pain, reduce it. And laugh."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

Life, Focus, Forget, Pain

56

"Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member."

"Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

Care, Resignation, Will

56

"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."

"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

Feelings, Feeling, Golf

56

"I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours."

"I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours."

Rita Rudner, American Comedian

Children, Friends, Labor, Want

56

"It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core."

"It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core."

Phyllis Diller, American Comedian

Beauty, Deep, Skin

56

"All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me."

"All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

56

"Man was created a little lower than the angels and has been getting a little lower ever since."

"Man was created a little lower than the angels and has been getting a little lower ever since."

Josh Billings, American Comedian

56

"I watch old school film so that I can learn so much that I just sort of miss all the new stuff."

"I watch old school film so that I can learn so much that I just sort of miss all the new stuff."

Mike Epps, American Comedian

Film, Old, School

56

"You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education."

"You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education."

Jeff Foxworthy, American Comedian

56

"The hardest that I've laughed at a movie was probably Team America. I laughed 'til I thought I was just gonna throw up. I almost had to turn it off."

"The hardest that I've laughed at a movie was probably Team America. I laughed 'til I thought I was just gonna throw up. I almost had to turn it off."

Ron White, American Comedian

Thought, America

56

"First there was racism. Then liberals created institutional racism and coded racism. You can only hear it with a dog whistle."

"First there was racism. Then liberals created institutional racism and coded racism. You can only hear it with a dog whistle."

Evan Sayet, American Comedian

First, Liberals, Racism

56

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

56

"I thought they may have presumed too much knowledge of certain things for people who are not comedians. Like Montreal. A comic understands what it is and its importance, but someone else may not know about it."

"I thought they may have presumed too much knowledge of certain things for people who are not comedians. Like Montreal. A comic understands what it is and its importance, but someone else may not know about it."

Todd Barry, American Comedian

Thought, People, Knowledge, Comedians

56

"The only thing I have never done is a Broadway play. I'm not sure I have the discipline necessary to do a Broadway play. I know it holds a fascination for certain actors."

"The only thing I have never done is a Broadway play. I'm not sure I have the discipline necessary to do a Broadway play. I know it holds a fascination for certain actors."

Bob Newhart, American Comedian

Discipline, Actors, Play

56

"It's almost like he's started to sound even more exotic the more people started doing him. I don't know why, but there's just something about Al Gore that makes me laugh."

"It's almost like he's started to sound even more exotic the more people started doing him. I don't know why, but there's just something about Al Gore that makes me laugh."

Dana Carvey, American Comedian

56

"Either you're the one erasing or you're the one being erased."

"Either you're the one erasing or you're the one being erased."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

56

"I am in the Master of Professional Writing program teaching Humor Writing, Literary and Dramatic."

"I am in the Master of Professional Writing program teaching Humor Writing, Literary and Dramatic."

Shelley Berman, American Comedian

Humor, Literary, Teaching, Writing

56

"But happiness is no respecter of persons."

"But happiness is no respecter of persons."

Stephen Fry, British Comedian

56

"In some company it's perfectly all right to prick your finger, but very bad form to finger your prick."

"In some company it's perfectly all right to prick your finger, but very bad form to finger your prick."

George Carlin, American Comedian

Humor, Observation, Behavior, Awareness

56

"Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times."

"Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times."

W. C. Fields, American Comedian

Drink, Drinking, Now

56

"I don't want to do the same thing over and over again."

"I don't want to do the same thing over and over again."

Dylan Moran, Irish Comedian

56

"Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard."

"Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard."

David Letterman, American Comedian

Iraq, Name, Republican

56

"A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money."

"A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money."

W. C. Fields, American Comedian

Money, Man, Nothing, Poor

56

"Anyone who tries to keep track of what is happening in China is going to end up by wearing all the skin of his left ear from twirling around on it."

"Anyone who tries to keep track of what is happening in China is going to end up by wearing all the skin of his left ear from twirling around on it."

Robert Benchley, American Comedian

56

"I had an Edinburgh, middle-class childhood and a public school education."

"I had an Edinburgh, middle-class childhood and a public school education."

Rory Bremner, British Comedian

Education, Childhood, Public, School

56

"If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase."

"If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase."

George Carlin, American Comedian

Idealism, Peace, Truth, Humanity

56

"I've hung out in the writer's room a few times, but the fact is we've got such a good writing staff, I don't want to get my peanut butter fingerprints on anything."

"I've hung out in the writer's room a few times, but the fact is we've got such a good writing staff, I don't want to get my peanut butter fingerprints on anything."

Patton Oswalt, American Comedian

Fact, Want, Writer, Writing

55

"I try not to worry about what that's going to look like. If you worry about looking stupid, that's when you look really stupid."

"I try not to worry about what that's going to look like. If you worry about looking stupid, that's when you look really stupid."

Rob Schneider, American Comedian

55

"You don't pay taxes - they take taxes."

"You don't pay taxes - they take taxes."

Chris Rock, American Comedian

55

"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included."

"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included."

Bernard Manning, British Comedian

Christmas, Kids, Saying

55

"Adversity has the same effect on a man that severe training has on the pugilist: it reduces him to his fighting weight."

"Adversity has the same effect on a man that severe training has on the pugilist: it reduces him to his fighting weight."

Josh Billings, American Comedian

Adversity, Effect, Fighting, Man

55

"So I try not to look too far into the future because I think that everything happens and will happen for a reason."

"So I try not to look too far into the future because I think that everything happens and will happen for a reason."

Carrot Top, American Comedian

Future, Reason, Will

55

"I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people."

"I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

55

"I must have done everything I had. You go through years where you go through everything you've ever written."

"I must have done everything I had. You go through years where you go through everything you've ever written."

Todd Barry, American Comedian

55

"I hate clowns."

"I hate clowns."

Tracey Ullman, British Comedian

55

"Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list."

"Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list."

Yakov Smirnoff, Russian Comedian

Men, Crime, Homosexuality, Prison

55

"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."

"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

55

"Well if I was going to describe my audience, it's going to take longer than you'd ever expect, hundreds of years in fact, because there's many of them, all over the world."

"Well if I was going to describe my audience, it's going to take longer than you'd ever expect, hundreds of years in fact, because there's many of them, all over the world."

Norman Wisdom, English Comedian

Fact, World, Years

55

"It was such a leap in my career when 'Truman Show' came along. It's always been a long process for me insofar as recognition goes, but that's OK because you appreciate it when it comes."

"It was such a leap in my career when 'Truman Show' came along. It's always been a long process for me insofar as recognition goes, but that's OK because you appreciate it when it comes."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

55

"I may find something that looks interesting and then go on to alter the recipe by adding spices, things of my own. I also look for time-saving recipes, dishes that can be prepared ahead and stored."

"I may find something that looks interesting and then go on to alter the recipe by adding spices, things of my own. I also look for time-saving recipes, dishes that can be prepared ahead and stored."

Paul Lynde, American Comedian

55

"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

Tim Vine, British Comedian

55

"I can't explain it, but spiritually it makes sense - though I don't understand how it does make sense."

"I can't explain it, but spiritually it makes sense - though I don't understand how it does make sense."

Kevin McDonald, Canadian Comedian

55

"I was part of the draft resistance movement in LA where we did demonstrations at the draft centre and burned our cards and made a lot of trouble on campus."

"I was part of the draft resistance movement in LA where we did demonstrations at the draft centre and burned our cards and made a lot of trouble on campus."

Cheech Marin, American Comedian

Cards, Draft, Trouble

55

"I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is."

"I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

Faces, Names, Trouble

55

"We rest our case on the production numbers."

"We rest our case on the production numbers."

Mel Brooks, American Comedian

Numbers, Production, Rest

55

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