"I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose."

"Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"

"I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine."

"We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet."

"To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior.""

"I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet."

"Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid."

"Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry."

"When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always."

"The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him."

"Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be."

"My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping."

"My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping."

"I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours."

"In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk."

"The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down."

"Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?"

"I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them."

"It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"

"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives."

"Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them."

"Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in."

"Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times."

"My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head."

"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."

"Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'"

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."

"Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before."

"A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax."

"I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso."

"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to."