Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 48/75

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Quotes by Comedian

"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?""

"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?""

Steven Wright, American Comedian

41

"It was like going to church, except Ozzy Osbourne was there."

"It was like going to church, except Ozzy Osbourne was there."

Sam Kinison, American Comedian

41

"Man has gone long enough, or even too long, without being man enough to face the simple truth that the trouble with man is man."

"Man has gone long enough, or even too long, without being man enough to face the simple truth that the trouble with man is man."

James Thurber, American Comedian

Truth, Being, Man, Trouble

41

"I regret the passing of the studio system. I was very appreciative of it because I had no talent."

"I regret the passing of the studio system. I was very appreciative of it because I had no talent."

Lucille Ball, American Comedian

41

"No day of my life passes without someone saying the words 'Monty Python' to me. It's not bad."

"No day of my life passes without someone saying the words 'Monty Python' to me. It's not bad."

Eric Idle, English Comedian

Life, Day, Saying, Words

41

"Animals don't have anyone to protect them. If we don't stand up, the people who are harming animals will never get stopped."

"Animals don't have anyone to protect them. If we don't stand up, the people who are harming animals will never get stopped."

Paul Rodriguez, Mexican Comedian

People, Animals, Will

41

"I like doing a bunch of different things, being all over the place."

"I like doing a bunch of different things, being all over the place."

Wanda Sykes, American Comedian

41

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."

Johnny Carson, American Comedian

41

"One thing I hope I'll never be is drunk with my own power. And anybody who says I am will never work in this town again."

"One thing I hope I'll never be is drunk with my own power. And anybody who says I am will never work in this town again."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

Work, Power, Hope, Will

41

"If someone plays a brooding actor in a film, people think they're brooding all the time."

"If someone plays a brooding actor in a film, people think they're brooding all the time."

Joe Rogan, American Comedian

Time, People, Actor, Film

41

"I trained to be a priest - started to. I went to seminary school when I was 11. I wanted to be a priest, but when they told me I could never have sex, not even on my birthday, I changed my mind."

"I trained to be a priest - started to. I went to seminary school when I was 11. I wanted to be a priest, but when they told me I could never have sex, not even on my birthday, I changed my mind."

Johnny Vegas, British Comedian

Birthday, Sex, Mind, School

41

"I was always the guy getting kicked out of my classes at school for having an attitude problem."

"I was always the guy getting kicked out of my classes at school for having an attitude problem."

Chevy Chase, American Comedian

Attitude, School

41

"If somebody came up with a really good idea, everyone would back it. Especially when we did the show, we had a real dedication that, if you were in somebody else's scene, everyone worked their hardest to make that scene good."

"If somebody came up with a really good idea, everyone would back it. Especially when we did the show, we had a real dedication that, if you were in somebody else's scene, everyone worked their hardest to make that scene good."

Dave Foley, Canadian Comedian

Idea, Dedication

41

"An actor shouldn't undergo psychoanalysis, because there are a lot of things you're better off not knowing."

"An actor shouldn't undergo psychoanalysis, because there are a lot of things you're better off not knowing."

Paul Lynde, American Comedian

Actor, Psychoanalysis

41

"Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die."

"Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die."

Johnny Carson, American Comedian

41

"I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty."

"I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty."

Bob Hope, American Comedian

People, Liberty

41

"I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive."

"I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive."

Jerry Seinfeld, American Comedian

41

"The thing about kids is that they express emotion. They don't hold back. If they want to cry, they cry, and if they are in a good mood, they're in a good mood."

"The thing about kids is that they express emotion. They don't hold back. If they want to cry, they cry, and if they are in a good mood, they're in a good mood."

Eddie Murphy, American Comedian

Emotional, Emotion, Kids, Want

41

"When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life."

"When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life."

Richard Lewis, American Comedian

41

"If I don't die in a plane crash or something, this country has a rare opportunity to watch a great talent grow."

"If I don't die in a plane crash or something, this country has a rare opportunity to watch a great talent grow."

Eddie Murphy, American Comedian

Talent, Opportunity, Country

41

"The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart."

"The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart."

W. C. Fields, American Comedian

41

"I missed the boat when I was doing Late Night."

"I missed the boat when I was doing Late Night."

Chris Elliott, American Comedian

41

"It would have been convenient to be gay. Just because of the grooming, the narcissism, stuff like that. But I have this kind of roaring heterosexuality. Traditional, uncomplicated heterosexuality, an almost cliched Robin Askwith thing."

"It would have been convenient to be gay. Just because of the grooming, the narcissism, stuff like that. But I have this kind of roaring heterosexuality. Traditional, uncomplicated heterosexuality, an almost cliched Robin Askwith thing."

Russell Brand, English Comedian

41

"I loved the logistical reality of a guy who wants to take over the world, yet who has a family too."

"I loved the logistical reality of a guy who wants to take over the world, yet who has a family too."

Mike Myers, Canadian Comedian

Family, Reality, World

41

"You can take and nail two sticks together like they've never been nailed together before and some fool will buy it."

"You can take and nail two sticks together like they've never been nailed together before and some fool will buy it."

George Carlin, American Comedian

Commerce, Innovation, Creativity, Skill, Observation

41

"Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in."

"Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in."

Rita Rudner, American Comedian

Men, Women, Night, Want

41

"I remember driving home one evening while they were reviewing the papers on the radio. One of the articles was about me separating from my wife. It's a weird thing to listen to a news report about the break-up of your marriage."

"I remember driving home one evening while they were reviewing the papers on the radio. One of the articles was about me separating from my wife. It's a weird thing to listen to a news report about the break-up of your marriage."

Rory Bremner, British Comedian

Home, Marriage, Wife, Driving

41

"I can't do anything too serious like Saddam Hussein, but I would like to do Bill Clinton. That'd be fun."

"I can't do anything too serious like Saddam Hussein, but I would like to do Bill Clinton. That'd be fun."

Ruby Wax, American Comedian

41

"Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again."

"Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again."

W. C. Fields, American Comedian

41

"Well, I'm not afraid to say something if I think it's funny, even if it's harsh or racist."

"Well, I'm not afraid to say something if I think it's funny, even if it's harsh or racist."

Sarah Silverman, American Comedian

41

"Field of Dreams is the only movie - and I saw it in the theater - on an afternoon when I was on location somewhere, and there were like 12 people in the theater. I was just so devastated; I couldn't get out of my seat. And I sat and watched it a second time."

"Field of Dreams is the only movie - and I saw it in the theater - on an afternoon when I was on location somewhere, and there were like 12 people in the theater. I was just so devastated; I couldn't get out of my seat. And I sat and watched it a second time."

Paul Reiser, American Comedian

Dream, Dreams, Time, People, Theater

41

"Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people "the cops." But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!"

"Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people "the cops." But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!"

Dave Attell, American Comedian

People, Choice, Driving, Kids

41

"Both me and Edgar are firm believers in never underestimating or talking down to an audience, and giving an audience something to do, to give them something which is entirely up to them to enter into the film and find these hidden things and whatever."

"Both me and Edgar are firm believers in never underestimating or talking down to an audience, and giving an audience something to do, to give them something which is entirely up to them to enter into the film and find these hidden things and whatever."

Simon Pegg, British Comedian

Film, Giving, Talking

41

"I have my moments. Ever since I was a boy, I never was someone who was at ease with happiness. Too often I embrace introspection and self-doubt. I wish I could embrace the good things."

"I have my moments. Ever since I was a boy, I never was someone who was at ease with happiness. Too often I embrace introspection and self-doubt. I wish I could embrace the good things."

Hugh Laurie, British Comedian

Happiness, Moments, Self

41

"Knowledge is like money: the more he gets, the more he craves."

"Knowledge is like money: the more he gets, the more he craves."

Josh Billings, American Comedian

41

"If you have a dream, just lie about it. Lie your way unto your dreams."

"If you have a dream, just lie about it. Lie your way unto your dreams."

Joel McHale, American Comedian

Dream, Dreams, Lie

41

"What Democrats call 'nuanced,' most people refer to as 'stupidity.'"

"What Democrats call 'nuanced,' most people refer to as 'stupidity.'"

Evan Sayet, American Comedian

People, Democrats

41

"My father was adamant in his disapproval of my interest in show business."

"My father was adamant in his disapproval of my interest in show business."

Paul Lynde, American Comedian

Business, Father, Interest

41

"It was the worst moment of my life. The producer came up and talked me back into going on stage."

"It was the worst moment of my life. The producer came up and talked me back into going on stage."

Paul Lynde, American Comedian

41

"George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk."

"George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

41

"I do miss Saturday Night Live, that's for sure. There's nothing like it. I just hosted, and I felt I'd only been away for a week."

"I do miss Saturday Night Live, that's for sure. There's nothing like it. I just hosted, and I felt I'd only been away for a week."

Mike Myers, Canadian Comedian

41

"A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?"

"A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?"

Bob Hope, American Comedian

Humor, Heart, Sense

41

"Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing."

"Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing."

Bill Cosby, American Comedian

41

"I feel as though the camera is almost a kind of voyeur in Mr. Bean's life, and you just watch this bizarre man going about his life in the way that he wants to."

"I feel as though the camera is almost a kind of voyeur in Mr. Bean's life, and you just watch this bizarre man going about his life in the way that he wants to."

Rowan Atkinson, English Comedian

Life, Bizarre, Man

41

"My Dad was from Liverpool, and he picked it up in the army. He'd often come out with this stuff."

"My Dad was from Liverpool, and he picked it up in the army. He'd often come out with this stuff."

Mike Myers, Canadian Comedian

Father, Dad, Army

41

"All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner."

"All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner."

Red Skelton, American Comedian

41

"Sometimes we have to actually say, I think you're really funny, but none of your jokes are going to make it on the air. So just answer my questions. Seriously."

"Sometimes we have to actually say, I think you're really funny, but none of your jokes are going to make it on the air. So just answer my questions. Seriously."

Rob Corddry, American Comedian

Funny, Jokes, Questions

41

"Black Books adheres to a more old fashioned, traditional sitcom format, which I think works, because in its own way, it's quite theatrical."

"Black Books adheres to a more old fashioned, traditional sitcom format, which I think works, because in its own way, it's quite theatrical."

Dylan Moran, Irish Comedian

41

"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted."

"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

41

"I remember my wife and I used to get on plane and see everybody else with their babies. They'd be putting strollers and car seats up above, and we'd think: Oh, please Lord, don't make us go through that."

"I remember my wife and I used to get on plane and see everybody else with their babies. They'd be putting strollers and car seats up above, and we'd think: Oh, please Lord, don't make us go through that."

Paul Reiser, American Comedian

Car, Wife, Babies

41

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