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Quotes by Comedian
"I did end up doing substitute teaching, but there's not a lot of teaching involved in that."
32
"You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it."
32
"In a recent Valentine's Day posting on her fan website, Britney Spears says that - oh, who cares?"
Day,
32
"In life, all good things come hard, but wisdom is the hardest to come by."
32
"As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by "survival of the fittest.""
32
"I had temping jobs also. I liked the flexibility. There was no asking for time off; you just didn't work."
32
"People can be more forgiving than you can imagine. But you have to forgive yourself. Let go of what's bitter and move on."
32
"It was like going to church, except Ozzy Osbourne was there."
32
"I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor."
32
"I think the show does better with newsmakers and politicians than it does with actors."
32
"I like doing a bunch of different things, being all over the place."
32
"I always want to go back and do stand-up; I like the freedom."
32
"It's hard to get fired from the government. You have to, like, kill people."
32
"I'm still constantly thinking of ideas. I don't feel 90. I think I'm about 12."
32
"If somebody came up with a really good idea, everyone would back it. Especially when we did the show, we had a real dedication that, if you were in somebody else's scene, everyone worked their hardest to make that scene good."
32
"If I don't die in a plane crash or something, this country has a rare opportunity to watch a great talent grow."
32
"You have to be funny about it and honest about it. You can't leave yourself out of that mix. You have to be honest enough to say, I'm that messed-up one in the family."
32
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