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"I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive."
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"It's funny; I actually made poorer decisions when I sobered up then when I was screwed up."

"I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet."

"Only man has dignity; only man, therefore, can be funny."
Explore more quotes by Jerry Seinfeld

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.""

"The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun."

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."

"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end."

"I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything."
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