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Quotes by Comedian
"My dad died when I was young; my mom remarried with more haste than sense to a fellow... he wasn't evil or anything, but he was worthless."
43
"Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch."
43
"The only advantage to being a middle-aged man is that when you put on a jacket and tie, you're the Scary Dad. Never mind that no one has had an actually scary dad since 1966. The visceral fear remains."
42
"I don't have a burning desire to be taken seriously as an actor. I don't have a master plan in that way."
42
"They can't make any of these talented young actors Fletch. You might as well make a movie called Chevy Chase."
42
"If we have the opportunity to be generous with our hearts, ourselves, we have no idea of the depth and breadth of love's reach."
42
"I'm definitely not up-to-date on the high-tech videogame world."
42
"But I really like hosting, I think it's a strength of mine. It allows me to improvise, and I love the spontaneity of that, and I think I'm funny behind the desk when interviewing someone."
42
"So they ended up turning this little twenty eight page book into the movie. And it's all about this stinky, smelly ogre who doesn't care what anybody thinks of him."
Care,
42
"My way of fitting in was through jokes and making people laugh."
42
"The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks."
42
"The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them."
42
"What Alexander Graham Bell thought up occupied less space than a flower vase. Now it's so small that I have to search all my pockets to discover I've received a spam text."
42
"You always worry about films when you hear about them making decisions after announcements are made."
42
"I still think people do have racial hang-ups, but I think one of the reasons I can joke about it is people are shedding those racial hatreds."
42
"Many people would no more think of entering journalism than the sewage business - which at least does us all some good."
42
"When people ask me if Dean Martin drank, let me put it this way. If Dracula bit Dean in the neck, he'd get a Bloody Mary."
42
"But I said wait a minute, I'm going to get a computer, I can do this as well as anybody else. So I did some studying so I knew what kind of boards to get to put a PC together. But there was a guy sitting there with Apple. I said, 'what's that?' and he goes, 'Apple with 128k, it's all built into the box,' and I bought it. That was my first computer."
42
"I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did."
42
"One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control."
42
"Love is the big booming beat which covers up the noise of hate."
42
"It's sometimes shocking to find out what people really believe in."
42
"There is no greater evidence of superior intelligence than to be surprised at nothing."
42
"My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted."
42
"I also love Mole, the unsung hero of reality programming."
42
"No, I love Montreal... I think I love Montreal more than Montreal loves me... I love the food there."
42
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