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"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."
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"I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him."
Gay
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
Work
"In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some."
School
"I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'"
Father
"I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'"
Wife
"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."
Men
"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote."
First
"I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks."
Love
"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend."
Friendship
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Life
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"Time is irreplaceable asset."
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Personal Development
"The gift of today, blessings of the moment."
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Personal Development
"Today's experience prepares you for a better tomorrow."
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Personal Development
"There is no rerun of life. Rejoice while breathe."
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Personal Development
"Your sacred time is now! Begin to live passionately."
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Personal Development
"The present is precious gift. The past cannot be replayed. The future is no guarantee. Live in the present."
Author Name
Personal Development
"The time is now. What you have to do, do it now."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Renew your mind every morning with pure thoughts."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Today's experience prepares you for better tomorrow."
Author Name
Personal Development
"There is appointed time for every sacred event under the sun."
Author Name
Personal Development
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