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"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."
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Explore more quotes by Emo Philips
"Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist."
"I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'"
"I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks."
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"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."
"The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks."
"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."
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