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"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."
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"He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites."
Disaster
"I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy."
Beer
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
Boxing
"People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi."
People
"Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy."
Brother
"My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe."
Jokes
"I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator."
Night
"The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks."
Evil
"I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks."
Love
"When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas."
Coffee
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"Time is irreplaceable asset."
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Personal Development
"The gift of today, blessings of the moment."
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Personal Development
"Today's experience prepares you for a better tomorrow."
Author Name
Personal Development
"There is no rerun of life. Rejoice while breathe."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Your sacred time is now! Begin to live passionately."
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Personal Development
"The present is precious gift. The past cannot be replayed. The future is no guarantee. Live in the present."
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Personal Development
"The time is now. What you have to do, do it now."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Renew your mind every morning with pure thoughts."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Today's experience prepares you for better tomorrow."
Author Name
Personal Development
"There is appointed time for every sacred event under the sun."
Author Name
Personal Development
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