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Quotes by Comedian
"For some reason I did something where I realized I could get a reaction. That was when I broke out of my shell at school, because I really didn't have any friends or anything like that and I just kind of was going along, and then finally I did this zany thing, and all of a sudden I had tons of friends."
48
"I also focus on Bush and his administration - who do a lot of lying - and how a right-wing media has allowed them to get away with a lot of stuff that, in a different media environment, they probably wouldn't be able to get away with."
48
"If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like."
48
"A friend of mine said, no matter what I do I always look like an English teacher. She actually said, you still look like a Campbell's Soup kid."
48
"But what is all this fear of and opposition to Oblivion? What is the matter with the soft Darkness, the Dreamless Sleep?"
48
"New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you."
48
"Austin sounds a little bit like Aston Martin, which is the type of car James Bond would drive."
48
"I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot."
48
"Luck? I don't know anything about luck. I've never banked on it and I'm afraid of people who do. Luck to me is something else: Hard work - and realizing what is opportunity and what isn't."
48
"It is a very delicate job to forgive a man, without lowering him in his own estimation, and yours too."
48
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
48
"I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens."
48
"I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark."
48
"Tony Rezko and Bill Ayers should lead the Democratic Party. They are the only Democrats with any convictions."
48
"Alcohol ruined me financially and morally, broke my heart and the hearts of too many others. Even though it did this to me and it almost killed me and I haven't touched a drop of it in seventeen years, sometimes I wonder if I could get away with drinking some now. I totally subscribe to the notion that alcoholism is a mental illness because thinking like that is clearly insane."
48
"We had problems like all families but we had a lot of love. I was extremely loved. We always felt we had each other."
48
"If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty."
48
"A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked."
48
"There are people who are always anticipating trouble, and in this way they manage to enjoy many sorrows that never really happen to them."
48
"Television is the triumph of machine over people."
48
"I had always fancied a go at the comedy and when it started to go reasonably well and the opportunity arose for me to move into it full time, I just couldn't turn it down. I just took the risk, and I just wanted to see if it would work and thankfully it did."
48
"An optimist is a girl who mistakes a bulge for a curve."
48
"The worst thing in this business is to be thought of as a no-talent."
48
"I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me."
48
"I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him."
48
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