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Quotes by Comedian
"My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair."
4
"It was such a leap in my career when 'Truman Show' came along. It's always been a long process for me insofar as recognition goes, but that's OK because you appreciate it when it comes."
4
"The simple fact is that what you see on the screen is pretty much real."
4
"It was tumultuous, it was crazy, but I would not trade it for anything."
4
"Every Vacation movie didn't just make the studio money. They each made the studio a lot of money."
4
"The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more."
4
"I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there."
4
"In the original script, my character was a basketball player rather than a boxer. I didn't think I could pull that off. I'm a little short to be a basketball player!"
4
"Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas."
4
"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."
4
"Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive."
4
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes.""
4
"I keep my own personality in a cupboard under the stairs at home so that no one else can see it or nick it."
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"It's not like some movies where you're following a bunch of different stories you can cut around. There was nowhere to cut to. It's these guys. We're not cutting back to anybody else."
4
"Nothing makes a man feel older than to hear a band coming up the street and not to have the impulse to rush downstairs and out on to the sidewalk."
4
"I was one of the first veejays to take the camera out on location, and that's what was unique about MTV at that time."
4
"To make the argument that the media has a left- or right-wing, or a liberal or a conservative bias, is like asking if the problem with Al-Qaeda is do they use too much oil in their hummus."
4
"I say at this point, for different reasons, Bush and Hussein are both very threatening to world peace and to deny that is to be incredibly naive."
4
"I had always wanted to be on SNL, it's not always great, but it's this leftover childhood dream."
4
"I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves."
4
"It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life."
4
"I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry."
4
"I can remember the first face-lift show that came on. I rang up everyone - are you watching? I'm watching."
4
"Sandler's always good. Tom Hanks gave me some good advice."
4
"I've always had confidence. It came because I have lots of initiative. I wanted to make something of myself."
4
"If I had never ventured beyond being a stand-up comic, then I would be sitting in my house today working on my Leonardo DiCaprio impression."
4
"In TV, and in particular in commercials, you don't really need to explain very much at all - you just say he's a spy and he's a little bit theatrical and overblown and smug and he's not very good at his job."
Job,
4
"Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers."
4
"I consider a CD or a comedy collection as a record of what I've been doing, and I try to wrap it up and start new material."
4
"I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'"
4
"We rest our case on the production numbers."
4
"I can't talk to a man who bears an undeserved animosity towards ferrets."
4
"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off."
4
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