Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 23/75

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Quotes by Comedian

"Christ, seven years of college, down the drain."

"Christ, seven years of college, down the drain."

John Belushi, American Comedian

Christ, College, Years

41

"Mitt Romney is a true Mormon. John Edwards and Bill Clinton are not real Mormons. It was not 'Brigham Young' they were chanting. It was 'Bring 'em young.'"

"Mitt Romney is a true Mormon. John Edwards and Bill Clinton are not real Mormons. It was not 'Brigham Young' they were chanting. It was 'Bring 'em young.'"

Evan Sayet, American Comedian

41

"Laughter need not be cut out of anything, since it improves everything."

"Laughter need not be cut out of anything, since it improves everything."

James Thurber, American Comedian

41

"Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?"

"Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?"

W. C. Fields, American Comedian

41

"She didn't break his heart, but I feel like a man is supposed to be a man, he ain't supposed to be all involved in that. That's why she got sisters and friend for. Just show up with the ring and act right."

"She didn't break his heart, but I feel like a man is supposed to be a man, he ain't supposed to be all involved in that. That's why she got sisters and friend for. Just show up with the ring and act right."

Mike Epps, American Comedian

Heart, Friend, Act, Man

41

"I sing in the car if I'm in LA, because you're like soundproofed."

"I sing in the car if I'm in LA, because you're like soundproofed."

Jimmy Fallon, American Comedian

41

"My show is my statement. What I have to say is on the screen. My life is my own. I don't want to talk about my private self. Why should I?"

"My show is my statement. What I have to say is on the screen. My life is my own. I don't want to talk about my private self. Why should I?"

Flip Wilson, American Comedian

Life, Self, Talk, Want

41

"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap."

"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap."

Bob Hope, American Comedian

41

"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"

"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

41

"Well, I like how people talk. I like language. You know, Linda Richman spoke in Yiddish."

"Well, I like how people talk. I like language. You know, Linda Richman spoke in Yiddish."

Mike Myers, Canadian Comedian

People, Language, Talk

41

"The most memorable performance was my appearance in concert in Carnegie Hall. The first standup to do so."

"The most memorable performance was my appearance in concert in Carnegie Hall. The first standup to do so."

Shelley Berman, American Comedian

Performance, Appearance, First

41

"My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor."

"My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor."

Phyllis Diller, American Comedian

Thought, Cooking, Kids, Thanksgiving

41

"We're more effective than birth control pills."

"We're more effective than birth control pills."

Johnny Carson, American Comedian

Control, Birth control

41

"My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?"

"My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?"

Margaret Smith, American Comedian

41

"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."

"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."

George Carlin, American Comedian

41

"If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?"

"If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?"

Steven Wright, American Comedian

41

"I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments."

"I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments."

David Letterman, American Comedian

Ladies, Gentlemen, Jokes

41

"We picked the Red Sox because they lose. If you root for something that loses for 86 years, you're a pretty good fan. You don't have to win everything to be a fan of something."

"We picked the Red Sox because they lose. If you root for something that loses for 86 years, you're a pretty good fan. You don't have to win everything to be a fan of something."

Jimmy Fallon, American Comedian

41

"If you're passionate about your work, it makes the people around you want to be involved too."

"If you're passionate about your work, it makes the people around you want to be involved too."

Wanda Sykes, American Comedian

Work, People, Want

41

"I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked."

"I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked."

George Burns, American Comedian

41

"We do nods to Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible because they are popular with our fan base."

"We do nods to Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible because they are popular with our fan base."

Keenen Ivory Wayans, American Comedian

Angels, Mission, Popular

41

"I didn't plan on being a comedian. I didn't plan on getting married and I didn't plan on having kids, but I did all those things."

"I didn't plan on being a comedian. I didn't plan on getting married and I didn't plan on having kids, but I did all those things."

Rodney Carrington, American Comedian

41

"I am not, I repeat, NOT a lesbian - even though I'd like to be one when I grow up."

"I am not, I repeat, NOT a lesbian - even though I'd like to be one when I grow up."

Dawn French, British Comedian

41

"My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings."

"My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings."

Jay London, American Comedian

41

"It was actually 3 years between albums. That seems like a long time to me."

"It was actually 3 years between albums. That seems like a long time to me."

Todd Barry, American Comedian

41

"I feel like a hostage to fortune. Not that I am complaining. I wanted to play the role. But in truth I didn't think the show would be such a success. OK, I thought it would fail. Not because it was bad. I was confident it was good, but plenty of good things just sort of wither on the vine."

"I feel like a hostage to fortune. Not that I am complaining. I wanted to play the role. But in truth I didn't think the show would be such a success. OK, I thought it would fail. Not because it was bad. I was confident it was good, but plenty of good things just sort of wither on the vine."

Hugh Laurie, British Comedian

Success, Truth, Thought, Complaining

41

"In '87, I used to do this awful, awful James Brown impression."

"In '87, I used to do this awful, awful James Brown impression."

Wanda Sykes, American Comedian

41

"Try to love someone who you want to hate, because they are just like you, somewhere inside, in a way you may never expect, in a way that resounds so deeply within you that you cannot believe it."

"Try to love someone who you want to hate, because they are just like you, somewhere inside, in a way you may never expect, in a way that resounds so deeply within you that you cannot believe it."

Margaret Cho, American Comedian

Love, Hate, May, Want

41

"My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless."

"My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless."

Jay London, American Comedian

41

"If you're going to do something, make it right and make it as good as you can. Don't waste anybody's time, especially your own."

"If you're going to do something, make it right and make it as good as you can. Don't waste anybody's time, especially your own."

Debra Wilson, American Comedian

Time, Right, Waste

41

"Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member."

"Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

Care, Resignation, Will

41

"Then, there was Cary Grant. He spent three hours a week in hospitals teaching nervous people how to eat jello."

"Then, there was Cary Grant. He spent three hours a week in hospitals teaching nervous people how to eat jello."

Red Buttons, American Comedian

People, Hospitals, Teaching

41

"The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing."

"The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing."

Phyllis Diller, American Comedian

41

"Man is the only animal that can be skinned more than once."

"Man is the only animal that can be skinned more than once."

Jimmy Durante, American Comedian

41

"I used to wake up at 4 A.M. and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness."

"I used to wake up at 4 A.M. and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness."

James Thurber, American Comedian

41

"I hope I will have achieved something lasting."

"I hope I will have achieved something lasting."

Graham Chapman, British Comedian

41

"Were British protesters, armed with little more than a frisbee and a bag of plastic toy soldiers, really in danger of being shot by the US military in Gloucestershire?"

"Were British protesters, armed with little more than a frisbee and a bag of plastic toy soldiers, really in danger of being shot by the US military in Gloucestershire?"

Mark Thomas, British Comedian

Being, Danger, Military, Soldiers

41

"Like I told Howard, I can't help it that I'm beautiful."

"Like I told Howard, I can't help it that I'm beautiful."

Carrot Top, American Comedian

41

"If I'm at a party and someone puts on a Blues Brothers tape, I tend to go nuts."

"If I'm at a party and someone puts on a Blues Brothers tape, I tend to go nuts."

Todd Barry, American Comedian

Brother, Brothers, Party

41

"Take my wife... Please!"

"Take my wife... Please!"

Henny Youngman, American Comedian

41

"I used to lie in bed in my flat and imagine what would happen if there was a zombie attack."

"I used to lie in bed in my flat and imagine what would happen if there was a zombie attack."

Simon Pegg, British Comedian

41

"I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know."

"I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know."

Garry Shandling, American Comedian

41

"My dad loved to laugh. He was very funny and very silly."

"My dad loved to laugh. He was very funny and very silly."

Mike Myers, Canadian Comedian

Father, Dad, Funny, Silly

41

"Chris Martin's a good friend of mine. I'm actually Apple's godfather. He's an old friend and we've been mates for quite a few years now."

"Chris Martin's a good friend of mine. I'm actually Apple's godfather. He's an old friend and we've been mates for quite a few years now."

Simon Pegg, British Comedian

Friendship, Friend, Martin, Now, Old

41

"I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock."

"I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock."

Henny Youngman, American Comedian

41

"It takes 20 years to make an overnight success."

"It takes 20 years to make an overnight success."

Eddie Cantor, American Comedian

41

"I thought they were staring at me because I was gay. But it was because I was on the telly."

"I thought they were staring at me because I was gay. But it was because I was on the telly."

Julian Clary, English Comedian

41

"We must come to the point where we realize the concept of race is a false one. There is only one race, the human race."

"We must come to the point where we realize the concept of race is a false one. There is only one race, the human race."

Dan Aykroyd, Canadian Comedian

41

"At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?"

"At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?"

Jay London, American Comedian

Country, Light, Wonder

41

"You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand."

"You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand."

Jeff Foxworthy, American Comedian

41

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