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Quotes by Comedian
"I also think if you're an actor and you can improvise, when you go on an audition and you can improvise you're just a genius. If you can, you know, take a Tide commercial and you can just say one funny line that's not in the commercial they think you're a genius."
54
"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?"
54
"It was all about wanting to get revenge. Pathetic, really, but it still is the motivation."
54
"I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out."
54
"What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement."
54
"That one can love another of the same gender, that is what the homophobe really cannot stand."
54
"It's funny - if you impersonate somebody, they have no idea it's them."
54
"In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars."
54
"If I'm a game show host, will someone buy a ticket to see me do standup? To do a dramatic role in a movie?"
Will,
54
"My mother was a professional sick person; she took a lot of pain pills. There are many people like that. It's just how they are used to getting attention. I always remember she's the daughter of alcoholics who'd leave her alone at Christmas time."
54
"This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution."
54
"Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler."
54
"I don't want my president to be a TV star. You don't have to be on television every minute of every day - you're the president, not a rerun of 'Law & Order'. TV stars are too worried bout being popular and too concerned about being renewed."
54
"Bullshit is the glue that binds us as a nation."
54
"The planet is fine. The people are fucked."
54
"There's only one thing money won't buy, and that is poverty."
54
"My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy."
54
"I do personal attacks only on people who specialize in personal attacks."
54
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
54
"A good many young writers make the mistake of enclosing a stamped, self-addressed envelope, big enough for the manuscript to come back in. This is too much of a temptation to the editor."
54
"Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it."
54
"I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of a weird set to try to put together."
54
"Anybody can direct, but there are only eleven good writers."
53
"The only real happiness a ballplayer has is when he is playing a ball game and accomplishes something he didn't think he could do."
53
"Men would find it much harder because men have such odd personal relationships with each other. They don't really emotionally connect, whereas women do. I think women become very close."
53
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
53
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