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Quotes by Comedian
"I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out."
5
"And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected."
5
"I have been instrumental in banning bottled water on the set. It hasn't gone that well with the crew... so I replaced it with tequila."
5
"In France, everyone speaks French 'cause they think it's cool. Gives 'em, gives 'em an excuse to smoke."
5
"There were a lot of areas we didn't cover that I'm hoping to cover if we do some specials. One is to see more of Patsy's home and her home life, which is just the saddest thing."
5
"The worst thing in this business is to be thought of as a no-talent."
5
"Driving a motorcycle is like flying. All your senses are alive. When I ride through Beverly Hills in the early morning, and all the sprinklers have turned off, the scents that wash over me are just heavenly. Being House is like flying, too. You're free of the gravity of what people think."
5
"The joke newspaper, it says Canada abandons the monarchy."
5
"Sophistication might be described as the ability to cope gracefully with a situation involving the presence of a formidable menace to one's poise and prestige (such as the butler, or the man under the bed - but never the husband)."
5
"I'm actually about as famous as a fourth division footballer from the 70s."
5
"I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge."
5
"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples."
5
"I do personal attacks only on people who specialize in personal attacks."
5
"For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off."
5
"A word to the wise is not sufficient if it doesn't make sense."
5
"Shirley Temple had charisma as a child. But it cleared up as an adult."
5
"When I perform, it's very personal. I'm sharing things I like, inviting the audience into my room."
5
"It's the poignancy and sadness in things that gets to me."
5
"I remember going to church about four times a week. I liked it a lot."
5
"Just because someone's dead doesn't mean it's over. My grandfather died more than 25 years ago, but I still think of him a lot and smell his smell."
5
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me."
5
"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper."
5
"It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!"
Men,
5
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
5
"I enjoy the character interplay. Sometimes the audience is not laughing, but smiling, and that is almost just as good because it keeps them ready to laugh."
5
"I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it."
5
"If I had been around when Rubens was painting, I would have been revered as a fabulous model. Kate Moss? Well, she would have been the paintbrush."
5
"It wasn't until I became more confident with myself and I put myself forward instead of the jokes; at first it was put the jokes out there and I'm just behind the jokes."
5
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