top of page
.png){kind=small}
Quotes by Comedian
"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
43
"Taste every fruit of every tree in the garden at least once. It is an insult to creation not to experience it fully. Temperance is wickedness."
43
"A wedding is a funeral where you smell your own flowers."
43
"I'm 65 and I guess that puts me in with the geriatrics. But if there were fifteen months in every year, I'd only be 48. That's the trouble with us. We number everything. Take women, for example. I think they deserve to have more than twelve years between the ages of 28 and 40."
43
"We took the whole thing far too seriously. After all, those were early days in television."
43
"The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you."
43
"We still have a tradition certainly in English television; it's faded a bit in the last five years, but we still have a tradition where the important thing is the quality and the challenging nature of the programming."
43
"I think I could go away tomorrow. I've already accomplished something. It's such a selfish business that sometimes I get sick of myself."
43
"It was all about wanting to get revenge. Pathetic, really, but it still is the motivation."
43
"What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement."
43
"Sixty minutes of thinking of any kind is bound to lead to confusion and unhappiness."
43
"At this point I've got a bit of a track record. So people realize that when 'Weird Al' wants to go parody, it's not meant to make them look bad... it's meant to be a tribute."
43
"I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before."
43
"Learning lines is on my mind until I do know them. I'll read the paper or paint the house to keep from starting to memorize. I've never found an easy way."
43
"People need motivation to do anything. I don't think human beings learn anything without desperation."
43
"There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together."
43
"I believe it is important for comedians to know who came before them."
43
"Unquestionably, standup comedy is and has always been an art form."
43
"It's funny - if you impersonate somebody, they have no idea it's them."
43
"Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it."
43
"Yes, they allowed us to play around a lot because, like we said, the director's such a good comedy director."
43
"Well, I think that there's a value to comedy in and of itself."
43
"There are two phases to a movie. First you shoot the movie, and then you make the movie. Generally, post-production is longer than filming."
43
"My report card always said, 'Jim finishes first and then disrupts the other students'."
43
"I think one of the problems in this country is that too many people are screwing things up, committing crimes and then getting on with their lives. What is really needed for public officials who shame themselves is ritual suicide."
43
"It's our nature: Human beings like success but they hate successful people."
43
"Laughter is the shortest distance between two people."
43
bottom of page