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Quotes by Comedian
"If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'"
5
"I made about 28 movies, and I think about five of them were good."
5
"It was a decision to work clean. I just prefer to work that way. I have no problem with comedians who don't work that way. There was a temptation in the early '70s to reconsider. I decided against it."
5
"I started recording because I was always complaining about the records that I was getting of my songs. At least if I did them and messed them up, I wouldn't have anyone else to blame."
5
"Carol Burnett was particularly funny. She swore for the first time on television on Larry Sanders."
5
"I believe it is important for comedians to know who came before them."
5
"It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time."
5
"It's funny - if you impersonate somebody, they have no idea it's them."
5
"People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think."
5
"A lot of celebrities, especially when you're talking about the really big ones, live in what I call the fame bubble. Nobody ever says no to them or challenges them or even teases them."
5
"I don't visit my parents often because Delta Airlines won't wait in the yard while I run in."
5
"A friend of mine said, no matter what I do I always look like an English teacher. She actually said, you still look like a Campbell's Soup kid."
5
"I was number one in the ratings four times last year and twice this season. What could be more damn equal than that? If they get any more equal, I don't want it."
Want,
5
"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences."
5
"Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, 'Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards.'"
5
"I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot."
5
"I don't do drugs anymore... than, say, the average touring funk band."
5
"It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth."
5
"Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious."
5
"I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it, it takes another two or three hours a day. I don't want to give two or three more hours away."
5
"I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do."
5
"One of the principal goals in my life has been to avoid embarrassing my children by doing the job I do. I hope I've managed to do that, and I hope that, with the job I'm in now, they are, if not proud, at least unembarrassed by it. I must say, my three are most agreeable children, who do nothing but delight me."
5
"My mother was a professional sick person; she took a lot of pain pills. There are many people like that. It's just how they are used to getting attention. I always remember she's the daughter of alcoholics who'd leave her alone at Christmas time."
5
"It is a very delicate job to forgive a man, without lowering him in his own estimation, and yours too."
5
"Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?"
5
"Inside was the second LP album of a comedian's performance before an audience."
5
"I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock."
5
"Frank Sinatra taught me how to do him. It took me seven years to master him. He would tell me, tap your foot, Rich, and don't forget to grasp your sleeve."
5
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"
5
"Be kind to people on the way up - you'll meet them again on your way down."
5
"I wear so many disguises on the show that only a real comedy fan might spot me."
5
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