Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 17/75

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Quotes by Comedian

"Funny is an attitude."

"Funny is an attitude."

Flip Wilson, American Comedian

Funny, Attitude

45

"My mom is two people to me. She's my mom number one, and then she's this lady most comedians know as being a legendary owner of a nightclub that's responsible for starting a lot of heavy careers."

"My mom is two people to me. She's my mom number one, and then she's this lady most comedians know as being a legendary owner of a nightclub that's responsible for starting a lot of heavy careers."

Pauly Shore, American Comedian

Mom, People, Being, Careers

45

"I haven't been as wild with my money as somebody like me might have been. I've been very safe, very conservative with investments. I don't blow money. I don't have a ton of houses. I know things can go away. I've already had that experience."

"I haven't been as wild with my money as somebody like me might have been. I've been very safe, very conservative with investments. I don't blow money. I don't have a ton of houses. I know things can go away. I've already had that experience."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

Experience, Money, Conservative, Houses

45

"You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest."

"You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest."

Rowan Atkinson, English Comedian

44

"Well, I would definitely give up performing... But I would still sit down in an office and pretend to write with Dawn, even if we never produced anything, because it's just hilarious. I would miss that."

"Well, I would definitely give up performing... But I would still sit down in an office and pretend to write with Dawn, even if we never produced anything, because it's just hilarious. I would miss that."

Jennifer Saunders, British Comedian

44

"If you say a modern celebrity is an adulterer, a pervert and a drug addict, all it means is that you've read his autobiography."

"If you say a modern celebrity is an adulterer, a pervert and a drug addict, all it means is that you've read his autobiography."

P. J. O'Rourke, American Comedian

Autobiography, Celebrity

44

"I never believe them when they say that because you really have to sort of be aware of what's going on in the news in order to get the jokes on the show."

"I never believe them when they say that because you really have to sort of be aware of what's going on in the news in order to get the jokes on the show."

Samantha Bee, American Comedian

Jokes, News, Order

44

"You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type."

"You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type."

Phyllis Diller, American Comedian

44

"I shouldn't be saying this - high treason, really - but I sometimes wonder if Americans aren't fooled by our accent into detecting brilliance that may not really be there."

"I shouldn't be saying this - high treason, really - but I sometimes wonder if Americans aren't fooled by our accent into detecting brilliance that may not really be there."

Stephen Fry, British Comedian

American, Americans, May, Saying, Treason

44

"In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better."

"In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better."

Ellen DeGeneres, American Comedian

God, Beginning, Light, Nothing

44

"As a culture I see us as presently deprived of subtleties. The music is loud, the anger is elevated, sex seems lacking in sweetness and privacy."

"As a culture I see us as presently deprived of subtleties. The music is loud, the anger is elevated, sex seems lacking in sweetness and privacy."

Shelley Berman, American Comedian

Anger, Music, Sex, Culture

44

"My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese."

"My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese."

Jay London, American Comedian

44

"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."

"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

44

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

Numbers, Writing

44

"I hate clowns."

"I hate clowns."

Tracey Ullman, British Comedian

44

"I can drink on the job if I want to. I can go on stage with a beer and it's OK. I can say whatever I want. It's a great job to have."

"I can drink on the job if I want to. I can go on stage with a beer and it's OK. I can say whatever I want. It's a great job to have."

Rodney Carrington, American Comedian

Beer, Job, Want

44

"Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top."

"Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top."

Joan Rivers, American Comedian

44

"Outside came in '60. The Edge in '61. All three made Gold, but the biggest seller was Inside."

"Outside came in '60. The Edge in '61. All three made Gold, but the biggest seller was Inside."

Shelley Berman, American Comedian

44

"Funny is funny is funny."

"Funny is funny is funny."

Bob Newhart, American Comedian

44

"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."

"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."

George Burns, American Comedian

44

"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."

"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

44

"I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play."

"I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play."

Joe E. Lewis, American Comedian

44

"I'm happy that I have brought laughter because I have been shown by many the value of it in so many lives, in so many ways."

"I'm happy that I have brought laughter because I have been shown by many the value of it in so many lives, in so many ways."

Lucille Ball, American Comedian

Laughter, Value

44

"Well if I was going to describe my audience, it's going to take longer than you'd ever expect, hundreds of years in fact, because there's many of them, all over the world."

"Well if I was going to describe my audience, it's going to take longer than you'd ever expect, hundreds of years in fact, because there's many of them, all over the world."

Norman Wisdom, English Comedian

Fact, World, Years

44

"I think a Celebrity Survivor would be great."

"I think a Celebrity Survivor would be great."

Kathy Griffin, American Comedian

44

"Work is important to me. I want to do things for principle, not just for the sake of doing them."

"Work is important to me. I want to do things for principle, not just for the sake of doing them."

Tracey Ullman, British Comedian

44

"Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it."

"Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it."

Lenny Bruce, American Comedian

Time, Public, Satire, Tragedy

44

"I guess they're tough jokes. But there's lots of things you either laugh or cry at. And you just can't cry."

"I guess they're tough jokes. But there's lots of things you either laugh or cry at. And you just can't cry."

Sam Kinison, American Comedian

44

"Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest."

"Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest."

Joe E. Lewis, American Comedian

Friendship, Friend

44

"We are the facilitators of our own creative evolution."

"We are the facilitators of our own creative evolution."

Bill Hicks, American Comedian

44

"Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex."

"Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

44

"Dressing up as decrepit old ladies, and even decrepit young ladies, was one of our staples."

"Dressing up as decrepit old ladies, and even decrepit young ladies, was one of our staples."

Graham Chapman, British Comedian

44

"As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes."

"As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes."

Mel Brooks, American Comedian

Mistake, Mistakes, World

44

"When you consider what Tony Blair was saying about liberty, human rights and that sort of thing, it would be terribly revolutionary to sell the speeches he and Jack Straw made in 1994."

"When you consider what Tony Blair was saying about liberty, human rights and that sort of thing, it would be terribly revolutionary to sell the speeches he and Jack Straw made in 1994."

Rory Bremner, British Comedian

Rights, Human rights, Liberty, Saying

44

"Old Professors never die, they just lose their faculties."

"Old Professors never die, they just lose their faculties."

Stephen Fry, British Comedian

44

"I don't watch television, I think it destroys the art of talking about oneself."

"I don't watch television, I think it destroys the art of talking about oneself."

Stephen Fry, British Comedian

Art, Talking, Television

44

"I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability."

"I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability."

Ron White, American Comedian

44

"It was fantastic to work in Cornwall partly because my family live there so I was able to do lots of visiting and eat lots of cake. They live all over Cornwall and all over Devon."

"It was fantastic to work in Cornwall partly because my family live there so I was able to do lots of visiting and eat lots of cake. They live all over Cornwall and all over Devon."

Dawn French, British Comedian

44

"Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery."

"Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery."

Spike Milligan, Irish Comedian

Happiness, Money, Misery

44

"I don't know why men are so fascinated with television and I think it has something to do with - if I may judge from my own father, who used to sit and stare at the TV while my mother was speaking to him - I think that's a man's way of tuning out."

"I don't know why men are so fascinated with television and I think it has something to do with - if I may judge from my own father, who used to sit and stare at the TV while my mother was speaking to him - I think that's a man's way of tuning out."

Garry Shandling, American Comedian

Men, Mother, Father, Man

44

"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible."

"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible."

George Burns, American Comedian

Beginning, Ending

44

"The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling."

"The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling."

Paula Poundstone, American Comedian

Time, Death, Feeling, Sin

44

"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?"

"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?"

Phyllis Diller, American Comedian

Chance, Housework

44

"The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him."

"The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him."

Robert Benchley, American Comedian

44

"The dog has seldom been successful in pulling man up to its level of sagacity, but man has frequently dragged the dog down to his."

"The dog has seldom been successful in pulling man up to its level of sagacity, but man has frequently dragged the dog down to his."

James Thurber, American Comedian

Success, Successful, Man

44

"Academics act like they are important, but when something is academic it is meaningless. People say, 'It's academic, now let's get work done.'"

"Academics act like they are important, but when something is academic it is meaningless. People say, 'It's academic, now let's get work done.'"

Evan Sayet, American Comedian

Work, People, Act, Now

44

"If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters."

"If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters."

Demetri Martin, American Comedian

44

"I have this beautiful antique silver wine decanter that I bought at an auction. I always pour wine from that."

"I have this beautiful antique silver wine decanter that I bought at an auction. I always pour wine from that."

Paul Lynde, American Comedian

44

"I think Australians like a bit of vulgarity."

"I think Australians like a bit of vulgarity."

Julian Clary, English Comedian

44

"That one can love another of the same gender, that is what the homophobe really cannot stand."

"That one can love another of the same gender, that is what the homophobe really cannot stand."

Stephen Fry, British Comedian

44

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