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"Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something."
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"I'm always the girl at the party who, within five minutes, has taken my heels off, hitched up my dress in my knickers, and probably spilt drink down my cleavage."
"I'm kind of a quirky dresser usually. Like today, I'm actually pretty put together, but I dress kind of off sometimes, but that's just part of my personality."
"But I do mean to say, I have heard her declare, When at the same moment she had on a dress Which cost five hundred dollars, and not a cent less, And jewelry worth ten times more, I should guess, That she had not a thing in the wide world to wear!"
"Caviar is to dining what a sable coat is to a girl in evening dress."
"When we had highly sensitive information, the DNA on the dress, that was held within our office and the FBI. There was no dissemination of that information."
Explore more quotes by Emo Philips
"I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'"
"I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'"
"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.""
"I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks."
"In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some."
"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."
"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."
"When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas."
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