top of page
.png){kind=small}
Humor Quotes
"Sex is all right, but a hot fudge sundae don't never ask if the baby's really his."
29
"So I'm all, 'Owned! Bee-yatch! Dog fucking owned you!' Doing a minor booty dance of ownage, perhaps, in retrospect, a bit prematurely. (I believe hip-hop to be the apprpriate language for taunting, at least until I learn French.)"
29
"Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk."
29
"You spanked me, she told him."I did. He lifted her shoulders high enough to push a wedge pillow under the pad. "And I enjoyed it very much. You have a very spankable ass, no?"
29
"I don't like lollipops."
29
"Into the face of the young man who sat on the terrace of the Hotel Magnifique at Cannes there had crept a look of furtive shame, the shifty hangdog look which announces that an Englishman is about to speak French."
29
"You both talk too much, the kid says. 'Shut up. Don't make me tell you again.We shut up, which I find hysterically funny."
29
"He tried not to laugh, but he wasn't good at controlling all the laughter that lived inside of him."
29
"Cats aren't special advisers. They advise us all the time, whether we want them to or no."
29
"Nothing makes you think you might need years of therapy like saying the word breasts in front of your mother."
29
"Plus as she put it, Prince Eric was far too hairy and peach colored for her taste. I always thought he was pretty hott, but then again, I am a mammal."
29
"You can't take anything in life WAY too seriously...Even the serious stuff!"
29
"Get back in my cot, girl,' said Gilsa. 'You're sickly.'No, I'm not,' said Ani.Oh, no? Well, maybe stubbornness is a sickness, did you ever think of that?"
29
"I don't like jokes in speeches. I do like wit and humor. A joke is to humor what pornography is to erotic language in a good novel."
29
"What kind of motel sells condoms?" "My favorite kind of motel?"
29
"I'm not sure a real man would smoke something that sounds like a mixed drink ice cream cone."
29
"If one more person tells me how big this country is, I'm going to go kick a koala."
29
"She ignores me, so I cup my hands over my mouth and do something I haven't done in years- barnyard sounds."
29
"To err is human, to forgive is divine... but I'm only a cardinal and cardinals are human, so rather than forgiving you I'm going to err towards beating you with this stick."
29
"And thus he found his single source of joy in the society of other people: frightening the girls with his penis."
29
"A hangover is the wrath of grapes."
29
"MS. THOMPSON, it said in heavy block letters, PLEASE KEEP YOUR FELINE OFF MY PROPERTY. IF I SEE IT AGAIN, I WILL EAT IT."
29
"Fine! I'll throw on some clothes. Turn around. I'm in my pj's''I'm a guy. That's like asking a kid not to glance at the candy counter."
29
"It took Caine a few beats to get it. "No. Go kill yourself. Eat your own gun. No. No no no."You're happy here counting fish and nagging kids to work? Edilio asked."He's not, Virtue said, beating Toto to the punch and earning an annoyed glance from Caine."He's only done it for two days since the battle, and he's already bored."
29
"I enjoy reading books like that because it's not at all the life I lead. It's completely different than any situation I'll ever be in, thank God. But I get entertainment out of it. Because as much as I like to read about a guy telling a girl she's so, so wet for him...if anyone ever said that to me during sex, I wouldn't be turned on by it. I would be terrified I accidentally peed on myself.'Ben laughs. 'And if you and I were having sex and you told me you owned me, I would literally crawl out from under you, put on my clothes, walk out of your house, and go puke in your front yard."
29
"I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman."
29
"FatherMichael:OK we should get on with this; I don't want to be late for my 2 o'clock. First I have to ask, is there anyone in here who thinks there is any reason why these two should not be married?LonelyLady:Yes.SureOne:I could give more than one reason.Buttercup:Hell yes.SoOverHim:DON'T DO IT!"
29
"Chinese food in Texas is the best Chinese food in the United States except Boston."
29
"Ransom really looked at the other man for the first time, shook his head, stared again."Holy hell, your eyes are like a fucking viper's. Venom raised an eyebrow."You have hair prettier than one of Astaad's concubines. Ransom gave the vampire the finger. Venom grinned."
29
"What happened when the Verb asked the noun to conjugate? She said "no-no!", forgot the "o" and decided to become a nun!"
29
"They've given Harry the attributes of pistachio nuts and crack cocaine without the health risks (opening thousands of pistachio nuts can cause severe thumb-bruising, I can tell you from bitter experience of my life on the edge)."
29
"Huh, another queen, Puck mused, an evil grin crossing his face. "Maybe we should drop in and introduce ourselves, ice-boy. Do the whole, hey, we were just in the neighborhood, and we were just wondering if you had any plans to take over the Nevernever. Have a fruit basket."
29
"What's big, thick, makes the earth move, and wants to have its way with you?" "I don't know, but can you introduce me?"
29
"Accidental sex. He made it sound like I fell down, and there just happened to be an erection in the way."
29
"Brigan, could you attempt, at least, to make yourself presentable? I know this is a war, but the rest of us are trying to pretend it's a party."
29
"A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory."
28
"There was a time I was very much blaming the way I felt on L.A, that it was a vacuum of creativity, of humor or anything organic, and I was really angry at the place. But then today I feel completely different - I love L.A.!"
28
bottom of page