"New Rule: If we want to find a place to cut government waste, we must start with the DEA rubber duck. Yes, on the DEA's website you can buy a rubber ducky with a DEA badge and a cop's hat. Which I recommend doing, because they're a great place to hide your weed."

Humor, Politics, Observation, Strategy

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"New Rule: If we want to find a place to cut government waste, we must start with the DEA rubber duck. Yes, on the DEA's website you can buy a rubber ducky with a DEA badge and a cop's hat. Which I recommend doing, because they're a great place to hide your weed."

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"He smiles, and he's made of trouble. We should have dropped him in the Thames in a bag of stones. We should have left him out for the fairies."

Rainbow Rowell, American Author

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"Bob Hope, like Mark Twain, had a sense of humor that was uniquely American, and like Twain, we'll likely not see another like him."

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"Rogerson," I asked him sweetly as we sat watching a video in the pool house, "where would I find the pelagic zone?""In the open sea," he said. "Now shut up and eat your Junior Mints."

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"Playing Solitaire is a non-smoking employee's smoke break."

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"The fun we'll have tonight is called figging."

Cherise Sinclair, American Author

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"Wit is the only wall between us and the dark."

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"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."

Abraham Lincoln, American Politician

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"I liked the humor of it, I've always enjoyed a sense of humor in God and in religion and in spirituality."

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Explore more quotes by Bill Maher

"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."

Men

"Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex."

Sex

"To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'."

Religion

"The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs."

Bible

"After September 11th, I never much liked the trend of everyone and his brother wearing the hats and jackets of the NYPD and FDNY. Only the people who do the job should get to wear the hat. Would you wear someone else's Medal of Honor? Yes, it's a tribute, and sincere tribute is always appropriate for these brave people. But wearing their symbols is also rubbing off a piece of heroism that isn't yours."

Morality

"We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly."

Building

"Americans today confuse freedom with not being asked to sacrifice. The fact that you can't have everything you want exactly when you want it has somehow become un-American."

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"They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed."

People

"Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?"

Home

"Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids."

People