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Quotes by Comedian
"A 'farm' today means 100,000 chickens in a space the size of a Motel 6 shower stall."
28
"Woman's influence is powerful, especially when she wants something."
28
"If you want something done, ask a busy person to do it. The more things you do, the more you can do."
Want,
28
"A lot of people have gotten into comedy because of certain influences in their lives or events that were painful, and I really have wracked my brain to figure it out. I pretty much have had a normal childhood. Maybe it was too normal."
28
"An interim government was set up in Afghanistan. It included two women, one of whom was Minister of Women's Affairs. Man, who'd she have to show here ankles to to get that job?"
28
"I've got mixed feelings about poetry cause done well poetry is fantastic. But not many people are capable of doing it well. I think you should have some kind of license to perform poetry. A poetic license perhaps."
28
"Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!"
28
"We all have days where we can't pronounce things or give it the emotion it deserves."
28
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
28
"People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy."
28
"My work's never been accepted by my family, but it's something I'll always carry on with."
28
"It was the best job I ever had. I just left because my whole team was leaving and the new guys were coming."
Job,
28
"This is the opposite of the free market."
28
"People are all exactly alike. There's no such thing as a race and barely such a thing as an ethnic group. If we were dogs, we'd be the same breed. George Bush and an Australian Aborigine have fewer differences than a Lhasa apso and a toy fox terrier. A Japanese raised in Riyadh would be an Arab. A Zulu raised in New Rochelle would be an orthodontist. People are all the same, though their circumstances differ terribly."
28
"A group of white South Africans recently killed a black lawyer because he was black. That was wrong. They should have killed him because he was a lawyer."
28
"I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps."
28
"Isn't it time we asked ourselves, are we willing to accept any behavior codified within religious or cultural practice? Is there no line to be drawn? If honor killings are okay, then why not virgin sacrifices or cannibalism or sex with children outside the church? We have perversely taken our notion of tolerance to such extremes that we've become tolerant of intolerance."
28
"It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!"
Men,
28
"When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'"
28
"I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose."
28
"The funny thing about commercials to me is that many of them now don't even mention the product until the very end. You don't really know what the commercial is all about. They're kind of like little movies, like shorts, and that's why I think they're so entertaining."
27
"I touched an Oscar once. Friend of mine has one, for writing. As soon as I touched it, he said, Now you'll never win one."
27
"I mean, when I started out I was billing per hour, like a shrink because you would sit with somebody and work. But most of it, if it's for a live show it's usually a buy-out. A flat fee."
Work,
27
"The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks."
27
"I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't."
27
"Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him."
27
"I tell the person I won't take a picture or sign the autograph, but I will shake their hand. That kind of personal touch is all they're really seeking."
Will,
27
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
27
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