Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 59/75

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Quotes by Comedian

"We work with every one of them to see if their character wouldn't say a certain thing or if something is worded awkwardly - we work with them to rectify that."

"We work with every one of them to see if their character wouldn't say a certain thing or if something is worded awkwardly - we work with them to rectify that."

Simon Pegg, British Comedian

Work, Character

36

"I can do most anything and not have a problem with it. The only time I have negative attention is when I run naked through the streets brandishing a handgun."

"I can do most anything and not have a problem with it. The only time I have negative attention is when I run naked through the streets brandishing a handgun."

Janeane Garofalo, American Comedian

Time, Negative, Attention

36

"From the first time I saw Sid Caesar be funny I knew that's what I had to do."

"From the first time I saw Sid Caesar be funny I knew that's what I had to do."

Billy Crystal, American Comedian

Funny, Time, First

36

"I don't know if my looks will ever get any better, but my pratfalls sure won't."

"I don't know if my looks will ever get any better, but my pratfalls sure won't."

Chevy Chase, American Comedian

36

"It's difficult to believe in yourself because the idea of self is an artificial construction. You are, in fact, part of the glorious oneness of the universe. Everything beautiful in the world is within you."

"It's difficult to believe in yourself because the idea of self is an artificial construction. You are, in fact, part of the glorious oneness of the universe. Everything beautiful in the world is within you."

Russell Brand, English Comedian

Idea, Fact, Oneness, Self

36

"The less food, the more time to talk, the more to talk about."

"The less food, the more time to talk, the more to talk about."

Damon Wayans, American Comedian

Time, Food, Talk

36

"But I think the other is a little more like bullfighting, a little more daring and although I appreciate good acting and I liked being versatile my whole career, it kept me working."

"But I think the other is a little more like bullfighting, a little more daring and although I appreciate good acting and I liked being versatile my whole career, it kept me working."

Robert Klein, American Comedian

Acting, Being, Career

36

"Carrot Top... I gave him advice once and he ran with it. He should thank me."

"Carrot Top... I gave him advice once and he ran with it. He should thank me."

Rip Taylor, American Comedian

36

"I think, over the years, I've kind of evolved."

"I think, over the years, I've kind of evolved."

Carrot Top, American Comedian

36

"We have been learning since we were children how to make money, buy things, build things. The whole education system is set up to teach us how to think, not to feel."

"We have been learning since we were children how to make money, buy things, build things. The whole education system is set up to teach us how to think, not to feel."

Yakov Smirnoff, Russian Comedian

Education, Money, Children, Learning

36

"I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny."

"I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny."

Dane Cook, American Comedian

36

"The worst drivers are women in people carriers, men in white vans and anyone in a baseball cap. That's just about everyone."

"The worst drivers are women in people carriers, men in white vans and anyone in a baseball cap. That's just about everyone."

Paul O'Grady, English Comedian

Men, Women, People, Baseball

36

"Reason often makes mistakes, but conscience never does."

"Reason often makes mistakes, but conscience never does."

Josh Billings, American Comedian

Conscience, Mistakes, Reason

36

"Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America's biggest export is now the Oscar."

"Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America's biggest export is now the Oscar."

Billy Crystal, American Comedian

36

"There are a lot of visual marks that have to be hit, and lines that need to be said in a right way - so there wasn't really any improvisation on the set when it came to the bulk of the script."

"There are a lot of visual marks that have to be hit, and lines that need to be said in a right way - so there wasn't really any improvisation on the set when it came to the bulk of the script."

Simon Pegg, British Comedian

36

"I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level."

"I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level."

Dana Carvey, American Comedian

36

"A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children."

"A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children."

David Brenner, American Comedian

36

"The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas, a bottle of wine. It was delicious."

"The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas, a bottle of wine. It was delicious."

Craig Ferguson, Scottish Comedian

Success, Addiction, Recovery, Irony, Struggle

36

"If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses."

"If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses."

Lenny Bruce, American Comedian

Children, School, Years

36

"We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly."

"We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

Building, Cowards, Want

36

"There's lots of stuff about me being a fan of Cliff but not being gay. Which suggests that he is, but he's not. Anyway, this is Channel 4, let their lawyers sort it out."

"There's lots of stuff about me being a fan of Cliff but not being gay. Which suggests that he is, but he's not. Anyway, this is Channel 4, let their lawyers sort it out."

Johnny Vegas, British Comedian

Being, Gay, Lawyers

36

"The country has become much more conservative, partly because it's been taken over by the religious right."

"The country has become much more conservative, partly because it's been taken over by the religious right."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

Conservative, Country, Religious, Right

36

"I started recording because I was always complaining about the records that I was getting of my songs. At least if I did them and messed them up, I wouldn't have anyone else to blame."

"I started recording because I was always complaining about the records that I was getting of my songs. At least if I did them and messed them up, I wouldn't have anyone else to blame."

Randy Newman, American Comedian

Blame, Complaining, Songs

36

"The doctor's name was Sylvia. I told her she'd have a problem with me because Sylvia was my mother's name."

"The doctor's name was Sylvia. I told her she'd have a problem with me because Sylvia was my mother's name."

Paul Lynde, American Comedian

36

"That's pretty much why I went into show business because I wanted to have a guitar and sing unaccompanied, that was like my fantasy of the perfect life."

"That's pretty much why I went into show business because I wanted to have a guitar and sing unaccompanied, that was like my fantasy of the perfect life."

Victoria Jackson, American Comedian

Business, Life, Fantasy, Guitar

36

"A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking."

"A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking."

Jerry Seinfeld, American Comedian

People, Thinking

36

"Comedy, like sodomy, is an unnatural act."

"Comedy, like sodomy, is an unnatural act."

Marty Feldman, English Comedian

36

"It's a cosmic joke that I'm a lesbian, because I understand men so well but women are a complete mystery to me."

"It's a cosmic joke that I'm a lesbian, because I understand men so well but women are a complete mystery to me."

Lea DeLaria, American Comedian

Men, Women, Lesbian, Mystery

36

"Brave Americans in past wars didn't die for the actual flag--they died for the freedom it represents, including the freedom to burn it."

"Brave Americans in past wars didn't die for the actual flag--they died for the freedom it represents, including the freedom to burn it."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

Patriotism, War, Freedom, Truth

36

"Oh, you know, driving around, coming to a stop sign and an entire family, from 8 to 80, will be looking at me with that Dr. Evil look - pinkie on the mouth."

"Oh, you know, driving around, coming to a stop sign and an entire family, from 8 to 80, will be looking at me with that Dr. Evil look - pinkie on the mouth."

Mike Myers, Canadian Comedian

Family, Driving, Evil, Will

36

"We had a choice between Democrats who couldn't learn from the past and Republicans who couldn't stop living in it."

"We had a choice between Democrats who couldn't learn from the past and Republicans who couldn't stop living in it."

P. J. O'Rourke, American Comedian

Society, Politics, Choice, Reflection, History

36

"Money can't buy poverty."

"Money can't buy poverty."

Marty Feldman, English Comedian

36

"I basically did comedy there for about a year, and then moved to New York. If I had it to do over again, I would have booked myself on the road for at least a year."

"I basically did comedy there for about a year, and then moved to New York. If I had it to do over again, I would have booked myself on the road for at least a year."

Todd Barry, American Comedian

36

"The average IQ in America is-and this can be proven mathematically-average."

"The average IQ in America is-and this can be proven mathematically-average."

P. J. O'Rourke, American Comedian

Intelligence, Statistics, Humor, Irony

36

"New Rule: Oil companies must stop with the advertisements implying they're friends of the environment. 'At Exxon Mobil, we care about a thriving wildlife.' Please--the only thing an oil executive has in common with a seagull is they'd both steal french fries from a baby."

"New Rule: Oil companies must stop with the advertisements implying they're friends of the environment. 'At Exxon Mobil, we care about a thriving wildlife.' Please--the only thing an oil executive has in common with a seagull is they'd both steal french fries from a baby."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

Humor, Critique, Environment, Observation

36

"Politics is developing more comedians than radio ever did."

"Politics is developing more comedians than radio ever did."

Jimmy Durante, American Comedian

Politics, Comedians

36

"I mean, I guess I started during the comedy boom, so it was literally like, on Sunday you could decide you wanted to be a comic, and on Monday, you could be on stage."

"I mean, I guess I started during the comedy boom, so it was literally like, on Sunday you could decide you wanted to be a comic, and on Monday, you could be on stage."

Todd Barry, American Comedian

36

"Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective."

"Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective."

P. J. O'Rourke, American Comedian

Death, Children, Dying, Will

36

"Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish."

"Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish."

Chevy Chase, American Comedian

Personality, Pets

36

"The main jokes in this film are about big things, love and life and zombies - we all get that."

"The main jokes in this film are about big things, love and life and zombies - we all get that."

Simon Pegg, British Comedian

Life, Love, Film, Jokes

36

"At CBS, I'm in your house. I'm mindful of that. When I do standup, you're in my home and I can say what I want to."

"At CBS, I'm in your house. I'm mindful of that. When I do standup, you're in my home and I can say what I want to."

Craig Ferguson, Scottish Comedian

Performance, Communication, Audience, Expression

36

"We all have days where we can't pronounce things or give it the emotion it deserves."

"We all have days where we can't pronounce things or give it the emotion it deserves."

Johnny Vegas, British Comedian

Emotional, Emotion

36

"People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy."

"People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy."

Demetri Martin, American Comedian

Car, People, Driving, Will

36

"When I see the American flag, I go, 'Oh my God, you're insulting me.'"

"When I see the American flag, I go, 'Oh my God, you're insulting me.'"

Janeane Garofalo, American Comedian

36

"By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!"

"By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!"

Craig Ferguson, Scottish Comedian

Order, Humor, Identity, Absurdity, Power

36

"People say you should read your criticism because it will make you a better person but it doesn't. It just makes you a sad bitter old showbiz nightmare."

"People say you should read your criticism because it will make you a better person but it doesn't. It just makes you a sad bitter old showbiz nightmare."

Jo Brand, British Comedian

People, Criticism, Old, Will

36

"We've seen so many films now, that you have to be on par with the best films that have preceded you. You just can't make any movie and it will be good."

"We've seen so many films now, that you have to be on par with the best films that have preceded you. You just can't make any movie and it will be good."

Keenen Ivory Wayans, American Comedian

36

"A group of white South Africans recently killed a black lawyer because he was black. That was wrong. They should have killed him because he was a lawyer."

"A group of white South Africans recently killed a black lawyer because he was black. That was wrong. They should have killed him because he was a lawyer."

A. Whitney Brown, American Comedian

36

"Americans appreciate bad taste or America wouldn't look the way America does."

"Americans appreciate bad taste or America wouldn't look the way America does."

P. J. O'Rourke, American Comedian

Culture, Observation, Humor, Identity

36

"Isn't it time we asked ourselves, are we willing to accept any behavior codified within religious or cultural practice? Is there no line to be drawn? If honor killings are okay, then why not virgin sacrifices or cannibalism or sex with children outside the church? We have perversely taken our notion of tolerance to such extremes that we've become tolerant of intolerance."

"Isn't it time we asked ourselves, are we willing to accept any behavior codified within religious or cultural practice? Is there no line to be drawn? If honor killings are okay, then why not virgin sacrifices or cannibalism or sex with children outside the church? We have perversely taken our notion of tolerance to such extremes that we've become tolerant of intolerance."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

Ethics, Tolerance, Culture, Justice

36

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