Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 50/75

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Quotes by Comedian

"Men are only as loyal as their options."

"Men are only as loyal as their options."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

41

"Some people are that - more than a parent, more than a role model, more than anything less than a religion."

"Some people are that - more than a parent, more than a role model, more than anything less than a religion."

Margaret Cho, American Comedian

Religion, People

41

"Men don't hear women."

"Men don't hear women."

Wanda Sykes, American Comedian

41

"I like going into nature and that's where I'm happiest."

"I like going into nature and that's where I'm happiest."

Garry Shandling, American Comedian

41

"Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas."

"Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas."

Paula Poundstone, American Comedian

Ideas, Kids, Want

41

"I really never had any ambitions to be a standup comic. I was talked into it by guys that I used to work out with."

"I really never had any ambitions to be a standup comic. I was talked into it by guys that I used to work out with."

Joe Rogan, American Comedian

41

"My granddaughter's birth has made me want to create things she will love."

"My granddaughter's birth has made me want to create things she will love."

Billy Crystal, American Comedian

Love, Want, Will

40

"Most of the time you're too busy to think about it. But every now and then you say, 'I work at "Saturday Night Live," and that is so cool."

"Most of the time you're too busy to think about it. But every now and then you say, 'I work at "Saturday Night Live," and that is so cool."

Tina Fey, American Comedian

Time, Work, Night, Now

40

"I wouldn't totally rule out doing Letterman or the Tonight Show if I had a set that I just happened to write that I thought was funny but was still appropriate for network censors. But I'm not going to go out of my way."

"I wouldn't totally rule out doing Letterman or the Tonight Show if I had a set that I just happened to write that I thought was funny but was still appropriate for network censors. But I'm not going to go out of my way."

Joe Rogan, American Comedian

Funny, Thought, Network

40

"90% of every art form is garbage - dance and stand-up, painting and music. Focus on the 10% that's good, suck it up, and drive on."

"90% of every art form is garbage - dance and stand-up, painting and music. Focus on the 10% that's good, suck it up, and drive on."

Patton Oswalt, American Comedian

Art, Music, Dance, Focus

40

"For a good chunk of Israelis, it doesn't matter who is in power when it comes to dealing with the Palestinians. Their focus was more on economic issues."

"For a good chunk of Israelis, it doesn't matter who is in power when it comes to dealing with the Palestinians. Their focus was more on economic issues."

Jonathan Katz, American Comedian

40

"If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer."

"If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer."

Lewis Black, American Comedian

People, Islands, Want, World

40

"The most dangerous food is wedding cake."

"The most dangerous food is wedding cake."

James Thurber, American Comedian

40

"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."

"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

40

"I've known what it is to be hungry, but I always went right to a restaurant."

"I've known what it is to be hungry, but I always went right to a restaurant."

Ring Lardner, American Comedian

40

"I got a gymnastics scholarship to college, fell in love with my true love of my whole life - who I'm married to now - and he was a virgin too. It was very romantic."

"I got a gymnastics scholarship to college, fell in love with my true love of my whole life - who I'm married to now - and he was a virgin too. It was very romantic."

Victoria Jackson, American Comedian

Life, Love, College, Now

40

"Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!"

"Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!"

Chris Rock, American Comedian

40

"The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring."

"The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring."

Milton Berle, American Comedian

40

"In life, all good things come hard, but wisdom is the hardest to come by."

"In life, all good things come hard, but wisdom is the hardest to come by."

Lucille Ball, American Comedian

40

"People are still crazy about Python after twenty-five years, which I find hard to believe."

"People are still crazy about Python after twenty-five years, which I find hard to believe."

Michael Palin, British Comedian

40

"As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by "survival of the fittest.""

"As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by "survival of the fittest.""

Bill Cosby, American Comedian

Mother, Brother, Past

40

"I'm getting positive feedback for my acting so we'll see if any other interesting parts come up."

"I'm getting positive feedback for my acting so we'll see if any other interesting parts come up."

Johnny Vegas, British Comedian

Positive, Acting

40

"Life opens up opportunities to you, and you either take them or you stay afraid of taking them."

"Life opens up opportunities to you, and you either take them or you stay afraid of taking them."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

40

"In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children."

"In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children."

Robert Benchley, American Comedian

Travel, America, Children, Class

40

"If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it."

"If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it."

Bob Hope, American Comedian

40

"I am not a great cook, I am not a great artist, but I love art, and I love food, so I am the perfect traveller."

"I am not a great cook, I am not a great artist, but I love art, and I love food, so I am the perfect traveller."

Michael Palin, British Comedian

Love, Art, Food, Artist

40

"With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke."

"With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke."

Tim Vine, British Comedian

People, Confidence, Silly, Want

40

"The simple fact is that what you see on the screen is pretty much real."

"The simple fact is that what you see on the screen is pretty much real."

Simon Pegg, British Comedian

40

"In the original script, my character was a basketball player rather than a boxer. I didn't think I could pull that off. I'm a little short to be a basketball player!"

"In the original script, my character was a basketball player rather than a boxer. I didn't think I could pull that off. I'm a little short to be a basketball player!"

Eddie Murphy, American Comedian

Character, Basketball

40

"I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars."

"I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

40

"I don't think the public is dying to see me necessarily be funny all the time."

"I don't think the public is dying to see me necessarily be funny all the time."

Ben Stiller, American Comedian

Funny, Time, Dying, Public

40

"I just love listening to the laughter."

"I just love listening to the laughter."

Simon Pegg, British Comedian

Love, Laughter, Listening

40

"I had always wanted to be on SNL, it's not always great, but it's this leftover childhood dream."

"I had always wanted to be on SNL, it's not always great, but it's this leftover childhood dream."

Rachel Dratch, American Comedian

Dream, Childhood

40

"The Polo Lounge is like a fine old mink coat: opulent, dignified and warm."

"The Polo Lounge is like a fine old mink coat: opulent, dignified and warm."

Bryan Miller, American Comedian

40

"I can't talk to a man who bears an undeserved animosity towards ferrets."

"I can't talk to a man who bears an undeserved animosity towards ferrets."

Graham Chapman, British Comedian

40

"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"

"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"

Steven Wright, American Comedian

Birthday, Singing

40

"You know, I think whatever a comic talks about onstage is all they talk about offstage."

"You know, I think whatever a comic talks about onstage is all they talk about offstage."

Sarah Silverman, American Comedian

40

"I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy."

"I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy."

Dennis Miller, American Comedian

Trust, God, Comedy

40

"Stand-up comedy and poverty. Those were my two main endeavors."

"Stand-up comedy and poverty. Those were my two main endeavors."

Dave Foley, Canadian Comedian

Comedy, Poverty

40

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."

Johnny Carson, American Comedian

40

"I'm not always in that good with middle-aged heterosexual men."

"I'm not always in that good with middle-aged heterosexual men."

Kathy Griffin, American Comedian

40

"All I remember is the last time I played a videogame, it was Space Invaders."

"All I remember is the last time I played a videogame, it was Space Invaders."

Rachel Dratch, American Comedian

40

"The difference between playing the stock market and the horses is that one of the horses must win."

"The difference between playing the stock market and the horses is that one of the horses must win."

Joey Adams, American Comedian

Difference, Horses

40

"I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle."

"I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

40

"It's weird, I never wish anything bad upon anybody, except two or three old girlfriends."

"It's weird, I never wish anything bad upon anybody, except two or three old girlfriends."

Carrot Top, American Comedian

Girlfriend, Girlfriends, Old

40

"I was the editor of the school newspaper and in drama club and choir, so I was not a popular girl in the traditional sense, but I think I was known for being relatively scathing."

"I was the editor of the school newspaper and in drama club and choir, so I was not a popular girl in the traditional sense, but I think I was known for being relatively scathing."

Tina Fey, American Comedian

Being, Drama, Popular, School

40

"Actually, I majored in marketing and I have a bachelor of science."

"Actually, I majored in marketing and I have a bachelor of science."

Wanda Sykes, American Comedian

Science, Marketing

40

"That's the thing about jazz: it's free flowing, it comes from your soul."

"That's the thing about jazz: it's free flowing, it comes from your soul."

Billy Crystal, American Comedian

40

"I don't know any astronauts. There are a lot of people who say they want to be comedians."

"I don't know any astronauts. There are a lot of people who say they want to be comedians."

Todd Barry, American Comedian

People, Comedians, Want

40

"I hate failure and that divorce was a Number One failure in my eyes. It was the worst period of my life. Neither Desi nor I have been the same since, physically or mentally."

"I hate failure and that divorce was a Number One failure in my eyes. It was the worst period of my life. Neither Desi nor I have been the same since, physically or mentally."

Lucille Ball, American Comedian

Life, Failure, Divorce, Eyes

40

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