Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 50/75

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Quotes by Comedian

"I don't get very involved in the L.A. scene. When you do get invited out, you are expected to be on all the time. It's just wearying."

"I don't get very involved in the L.A. scene. When you do get invited out, you are expected to be on all the time. It's just wearying."

Tracey Ullman, British Comedian

32

"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."

"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

Art, Now, Taste, Water

32

"Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great."

"Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

Actor, Actors, Competition, Washington

32

"They were singing, Gillette, the best a man can get, with a lot of guys hugging their fathers and sailing and riding bikes. I suddenly felt a long way from the best a man could get and I thought it would be nice to get from there to the best."

"They were singing, Gillette, the best a man can get, with a lot of guys hugging their fathers and sailing and riding bikes. I suddenly felt a long way from the best a man could get and I thought it would be nice to get from there to the best."

Craig Ferguson, Scottish Comedian

Thought, Fathers, Man, Singing

32

"Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?"

"Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?"

Emo Philips, American Comedian

32

"If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer."

"If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer."

Rob Corddry, American Comedian

32

"I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying."

"I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

Suicide, Humor, Irony, Failure

32

"That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked."

"That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked."

Bill Cosby, American Comedian

32

"I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in."

"I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in."

George Carlin, American Comedian

Philosophy, Skepticism, Belief, Observation, Reflection

32

"I think when the full horror of being fifty hits you, you should stay home and have a good cry."

"I think when the full horror of being fifty hits you, you should stay home and have a good cry."

Josh Billings, American Comedian

Home, Being, Horror

32

"Well, I play Jews and parrots. Parrots are how I've branched out."

"Well, I play Jews and parrots. Parrots are how I've branched out."

Gilbert Gottfried, American Comedian

32

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Henny Youngman, American Comedian

Music, Time, Marriage, People

32

"No, no, I was only funny on stage, really. I, I, think I was funny as a person toward my classmates when I was very young. You know, when I was a child, up to about the age of 12."

"No, no, I was only funny on stage, really. I, I, think I was funny as a person toward my classmates when I was very young. You know, when I was a child, up to about the age of 12."

Rowan Atkinson, English Comedian

32

"I've got too much respect for stand-ups to call myself one."

"I've got too much respect for stand-ups to call myself one."

Johnny Vegas, British Comedian

32

"I told her that I didn't want to take any drugs. That I had come here not to take drugs. 'Listen, ' she said, not unkindly, 'up until now I would say that ninety - nine percent of all the narcotics you have taken in your life you bought from guys you didn't know, in bathrooms or on street corners, something like that. Correct?'I nodded.'Well these guys could have been selling you salt or strychnine. They didn't care. They wanted your money. I don't care about your money, and, unlike your previous suppliers, I went to college to study just the right drugs to give to people like you in order to help you get better. So, bearing all that in mind ... Take the fucking drugs!'I took the drugs."

"I told her that I didn't want to take any drugs. That I had come here not to take drugs. 'Listen, ' she said, not unkindly, 'up until now I would say that ninety - nine percent of all the narcotics you have taken in your life you bought from guys you didn't know, in bathrooms or on street corners, something like that. Correct?'I nodded.'Well these guys could have been selling you salt or strychnine. They didn't care. They wanted your money. I don't care about your money, and, unlike your previous suppliers, I went to college to study just the right drugs to give to people like you in order to help you get better. So, bearing all that in mind ... Take the fucking drugs!'I took the drugs."

Craig Ferguson, Scottish Comedian

Treatment, Medicine, Healing, Recovery, Trust

32

"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."

"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

32

"What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign."

"What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign."

Dennis Miller, American Comedian

Business, War, People, Care

32

"I want to express myself in a different way. I have a performing inclination."

"I want to express myself in a different way. I have a performing inclination."

Rowan Atkinson, English Comedian

32

"Sore loser? You bet your fuckin' ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about whatever the contest was in the first place. Fuck losing graciously-that's for chumps. And losers, by the way."

"Sore loser? You bet your fuckin' ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about whatever the contest was in the first place. Fuck losing graciously-that's for chumps. And losers, by the way."

George Carlin, American Comedian

Motivation, Losing, Passion, Competition, Emotion

32

"Try to put your happiness before anyone else's, because you may never have done so in your entire life, if you really think about it, if you are really honest with yourself."

"Try to put your happiness before anyone else's, because you may never have done so in your entire life, if you really think about it, if you are really honest with yourself."

Margaret Cho, American Comedian

Happiness, Life, May

32

"I've played piano and guitar when I was younger."

"I've played piano and guitar when I was younger."

Debra Wilson, American Comedian

32

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

Humor, Self-Help, Irony, Advice

32

"Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno."

"Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno."

David Letterman, American Comedian

Body, Fact, First

32

"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass."

"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass."

Rodney Dangerfield, American Comedian

32

"I am not overlooking any mail. I'm looking at all of it. I even wrote back to the Viagra people."

"I am not overlooking any mail. I'm looking at all of it. I even wrote back to the Viagra people."

Randy Newman, American Comedian

32

"After an author has been dead for some time, it becomes increasingly difficult for his publishers to get a new book out of him each year."

"After an author has been dead for some time, it becomes increasingly difficult for his publishers to get a new book out of him each year."

Robert Benchley, American Comedian

32

"Americans know as much about Canada as straight people do about gays. Americans arrive at the border with skis in July, and straight people think that being gay is just a phase. A very long phase."

"Americans know as much about Canada as straight people do about gays. Americans arrive at the border with skis in July, and straight people think that being gay is just a phase. A very long phase."

Scott Thompson, Canadian Comedian

People, Americans, Being, Canada

32

"They make a humongous profit, but the people that work on the shows don't get paid a lot because they're working on the Oscars show. It's the biggest show in the world."

"They make a humongous profit, but the people that work on the shows don't get paid a lot because they're working on the Oscars show. It's the biggest show in the world."

Bruce Vilanch, American Comedian

Work, People, Profit, World

32

"There is a note in the front of the volume saying that no public reading may be given without first getting the author's permission. It ought to be made much more difficult to do than that."

"There is a note in the front of the volume saying that no public reading may be given without first getting the author's permission. It ought to be made much more difficult to do than that."

Robert Benchley, American Comedian

First, May, Public, Reading

32

"Sophistication might be described as the ability to cope gracefully with a situation involving the presence of a formidable menace to one's poise and prestige (such as the butler, or the man under the bed - but never the husband)."

"Sophistication might be described as the ability to cope gracefully with a situation involving the presence of a formidable menace to one's poise and prestige (such as the butler, or the man under the bed - but never the husband)."

James Thurber, American Comedian

Ability, Bed, Man, Sophistication

32

"The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever."

"The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever."

Gilbert Gottfried, American Comedian

Funny, Being, Pressure

32

"For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off."

"For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off."

Johnny Carson, American Comedian

32

"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry."

"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry."

Bill Cosby, American Comedian

End, Name, Will

32

"A puppy plays with every pup he meets, but an old dog has few associates."

"A puppy plays with every pup he meets, but an old dog has few associates."

Josh Billings, American Comedian

32

"I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension."

"I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

Surrealism, Absurdity, Imagination, Humor

32

"There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else."

"There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else."

James Thurber, American Comedian

Numbers, Safety

32

"Some people are that - more than a parent, more than a role model, more than anything less than a religion."

"Some people are that - more than a parent, more than a role model, more than anything less than a religion."

Margaret Cho, American Comedian

Religion, People

32

"I remember going to church about four times a week. I liked it a lot."

"I remember going to church about four times a week. I liked it a lot."

Victoria Jackson, American Comedian

32

"I grew up with a mother who, every time she saw something, would say, I'm going to look that up. And I've become that person - I've become the reference-book person."

"I grew up with a mother who, every time she saw something, would say, I'm going to look that up. And I've become that person - I've become the reference-book person."

Jennifer Saunders, British Comedian

32

"Men don't hear women."

"Men don't hear women."

Wanda Sykes, American Comedian

32

"I do most of my work sitting down; that's where I shine."

"I do most of my work sitting down; that's where I shine."

Robert Benchley, American Comedian

32

"By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth."

"By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth."

George Carlin, American Comedian

Truth, Language

32

"I'm still that little girl who lisped and sat in the back of the car and threw vegetables at the back of her head when we drove home from the market. That never goes."

"I'm still that little girl who lisped and sat in the back of the car and threw vegetables at the back of her head when we drove home from the market. That never goes."

Tracey Ullman, British Comedian

32

"In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure."

"In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure."

Bill Cosby, American Comedian

Success, Fear, Failure, Desire

31

"I, of course, wanted to do something with Drew Barrymore. Please. So we were reading scripts back and forth and then we found this script, Fever Pitch."

"I, of course, wanted to do something with Drew Barrymore. Please. So we were reading scripts back and forth and then we found this script, Fever Pitch."

Jimmy Fallon, American Comedian

31

"My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul."

"My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul."

Tim Vine, British Comedian

31

"The only advantage to being a middle-aged man is that when you put on a jacket and tie, you're the Scary Dad. Never mind that no one has had an actually scary dad since 1966. The visceral fear remains."

"The only advantage to being a middle-aged man is that when you put on a jacket and tie, you're the Scary Dad. Never mind that no one has had an actually scary dad since 1966. The visceral fear remains."

P. J. O'Rourke, American Comedian

Fatherhood, Aging, Authority, Humor

31

"Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars."

"Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

Mistake, People, Hollywood, Stars

31

"I walked in thinking, 'I have ten movies under my belt and now they want me to go back to making commercials?' I said, if I do that, I want it to be funny."

"I walked in thinking, 'I have ten movies under my belt and now they want me to go back to making commercials?' I said, if I do that, I want it to be funny."

Orlando Jones, American Comedian

Funny, Movies, Now, Thinking

31

"For a good chunk of Israelis, it doesn't matter who is in power when it comes to dealing with the Palestinians. Their focus was more on economic issues."

"For a good chunk of Israelis, it doesn't matter who is in power when it comes to dealing with the Palestinians. Their focus was more on economic issues."

Jonathan Katz, American Comedian

31

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