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Tim Vine

"With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke."

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"With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke."

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Tim Vine
"Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
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Tim Vine
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
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Tim Vine
"I love acting, but it's all just a bonus."
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Tim Vine
"I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy."
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Tim Vine
"With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke."
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Tim Vine
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"
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Tim Vine
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
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Tim Vine
"I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum."
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Tim Vine
"My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul."
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Tim Vine
"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

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"Often people display a curious respect for a man drunk, rather like the respect of simple races for the insane... There is something awe-inspiring in one who has lost all inhibitions."

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"The last resort of kings, the cannonball. The last resort of the people, the paving stone."

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"It is not true that people are naturally equal for no two people can be together for even a half an hour without one acquiring an evident superiority over the other."

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"Other people's beliefs may be myths, but not mine."

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"There are bad people who would be less dangerous if they were quite devoid of goodness."

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"Whatever good things people say of us, they tell us nothing new."

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"I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal."

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"We don't get to know people when they come to us; we must go to them to find out what they are like."

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"There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating - people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing."

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"Stephen King in many respects is a wonderful writer. He has made a contribution. People in the future will be able to pick up Stephen King's books and learn a lot about who we were by reading those books."

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