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Quotes by Comedian
"The Broad research center represents the highest quality model of what Proposition 71 should be funding."
33
"If Antarctica were music it would be Mozart. Art, and it would be Michelangelo. Literature, and it would be Shakespeare. And yet it is something even greater; the only place on earth that is still as it should be. May we never tame it."
33
"Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first."
33
"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.""
33
"American audiences tend to be more expressive than British ones."
33
"I'm 42 and the age of a guy who has kids, so I guess I'm playing right where I'm supposed to be. I'm comfortable with that, but in the same breath I'd do something edgy. If someone came to me and offered me an edgy and funny story, then I'd do it."
33
"The truth is that I'm constitutionally incapable of doing an ordinary job."
33
"Michelle Obama was asked when life begins. According to her it's when she and Barack take over the White House."
Life,
33
"If a man doesn't know how to dance he doesn't know how to make love, there I said it!"
33
"I don't like doing movies, period. Movies are hard. I like TV."
33
"Relations between black and white would be greatly improved if we were more accepting of our fears and our feelings and more vocal about it."
33
"Other men wear white suits in summer and it doesn't seem to bother them. But my white suit seems to be a little whiter than theirs. I think also that it may have something written on the back of it, although I can't find it when I take the suit off."
33
"Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck."
33
"Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town."
33
"In a house where there are small children the bathroom soon takes on the appearance of the Old Curiosity Shop."
33
"It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes."
33
"There's this idea that it has to be made in London. But we've got everything up here, and if you've got comics who are gifted because of where they're from, you shouldn't drag them away from that natural resource."
33
"Pat O'Brien knows nothing. He's on the Hell express."
33
"Medical researchers don't know much about head lice because they don't much care. The reason that they don't much care is, paradoxically, that they know a lot. That is, they know one important thing: there is no evidence that head lice transmit disease."
33
"Two stops after I got on, these two unbelievable short people got on, and the way they were looking at me, I could tell. They wanted to bite my ankles!"
33
"Because I hate fake people and I always think I'm never fake."
33
"In my experience with women that I've dated and my wife now, is you have to know what they care about. And even if you aren't a huge fan of it, you still have to have interest in it and it has to be genuine because women do it for men all the time."
33
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