top of page
.png){kind=small}
Quotes by Comedian
"There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon."
42
"Of course, some would say if you have a performing inclination, then you should become a lawyer. That's a platform we use, or a priest. You know, anywhere you lecture and pontificate to people."
42
"It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes."
42
"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."
42
"I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless."
Word,
42
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
42
"There were a lot of areas we didn't cover that I'm hoping to cover if we do some specials. One is to see more of Patsy's home and her home life, which is just the saddest thing."
42
"Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds."
42
"This is the opposite of the free market."
42
"We had the boy's name picked out, but we didn't have a girl's. When he turned out to be a boy, we were so relieved. Literally, in the middle of contracting and pushing, and with my wife being drugged - out and half - lucid, we were still coming up with names."
42
"I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman."
42
"For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off."
42
"I'm still that little girl who lisped and sat in the back of the car and threw vegetables at the back of her head when we drove home from the market. That never goes."
42
"But to do it professionally is a quantum leap difference and my father had to be persuaded by these kind of Ivy League professors that I should go to the Yale Drama School, another one of the stories in there."
41
"We really got a lot of very conservative gay people. You could look at the figures from the last election and realize that a third of the gay movement voted Republican."
41
"If you feel like there's something out there that you're supposed to be doing, if you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it."
41
"Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?"
41
"In a recent Valentine's Day posting on her fan website, Britney Spears says that - oh, who cares?"
Day,
41
"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."
41
"It's cool to go to a place that has posters up and it's one night only. It feels more special."
41
"I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people."
41
"Yeah, I think Michael has had to deal with that label of being Michael Caine for a long time."
41
"The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born."
41
"I had temping jobs also. I liked the flexibility. There was no asking for time off; you just didn't work."
41
"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?""
41
"It was like going to church, except Ozzy Osbourne was there."
41
bottom of page