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"Sometimes absurd logic can be amusing and heart-touching."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Alimony: the cash surrender value of a husband."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Beware of giggle grins, they are highly contagious."
Author Name
Personal Development
"When I reprimanded my son for hair like Michael Jackson he said: "I don't see the problem you wear yours like Michael Jordan.""
Author Name
Personal Development
"God alert!" Blackjack yelled. "It's the wine dude!Mr. D sighed in exasperation. "The next person, or horse, who calls me the 'wine dude' will end up in a bottle of Merlot!"
Author Name
Personal Development
"Probably went swimming and got eaten by a pineapple."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Monkeys who very sensibly refrain from speech, lest they should be set to earn their livings."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Igor?' said Moist. 'You have an Igor?'Oh, yes,' said Hubert. 'That's how I get this wonderful light. They know the secret of storing lightning in jars! But don't let that worry you, Mr Lipspick. Just because I'm employing an Igor and working in a cellar doesn't mean I'm some sort of madman, ha ha ha!'Ha ha,' agreed Moist.Ha hah hah!,' said Hubert. 'Hahahahahaha!! Ahahahahahahhhhh!!!!!-'Bent slapped him on the back. Hubert coughed.Sorry about that, it's the air down here,' he mumbled."
Author Name
Personal Development
"This was beyond a joke. This had moved beyond foolishness, slipped over the line into genuine 24 karat Jesus-Christ-I-fucked-up-bigtime territory."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Some kid asked what a dilemma is. And I replied: When a starving man has to choose between a plate of food, and, a roll of toilet paper."
Author Name
Personal Development
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"I think a Celebrity Survivor would be great."
Celebrity
"So I wonder if anything should ever be off limits."
Limit
"I'm also doing a special for Comedy Central called Autobiography. It's going to be a spoof of Biography."
Autobiography
"Food is my thing, I do not smoke or drink, so food is my vice."
Food
"I do road gigs occasionally but I don't want to go out on the road for months at a time."
Time
"I love Mariah Carey. Remember the breakdown? I loved the breakdown."
Love
"The beauty about the D-list is that people who are on it probably don't know they are."
Beauty
"I hate it, it is tedious... when I write for my act, it is very improvisational, I write bullet points, I cannot sit in front of a computer; that is not my style."
Act
"The thing that cracks me up is how these reality characters start out thrilled and excited just to be on television, and how they move to thinking they are as big as the Friends."
Friendship
"No, I love Montreal... I think I love Montreal more than Montreal loves me... I love the food there."
Food
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