Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 44/75

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Quotes by Comedian

"If I can't suck your milkshake through a straw, it's not a milkshake--it's a glass of ice cream."

"If I can't suck your milkshake through a straw, it's not a milkshake--it's a glass of ice cream."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

Taste, Humor, Food, Preference, Opinion

43

"The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery."

"The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery."

Robin Williams, American Comedian

43

"So many comics have such low self-esteem."

"So many comics have such low self-esteem."

Debra Wilson, American Comedian

43

"People always want to put a label on you; they always want to compare you to something."

"People always want to put a label on you; they always want to compare you to something."

Carrot Top, American Comedian

43

"But sometimes the women writers will pitch something and I'll hear it, but the men will keep talking."

"But sometimes the women writers will pitch something and I'll hear it, but the men will keep talking."

Wanda Sykes, American Comedian

Men, Women, Talking, Will

43

"I really believe in the philosophy that you create your own universe. I'm just trying to create a good one for myself."

"I really believe in the philosophy that you create your own universe. I'm just trying to create a good one for myself."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

Philosophy, Trying, Universe

43

"I've always had great respect for Paddington because he is amusingly English and eccentric. He is a great British institution and my generation grew up with the books and then Michael Horden's animations."

"I've always had great respect for Paddington because he is amusingly English and eccentric. He is a great British institution and my generation grew up with the books and then Michael Horden's animations."

Stephen Fry, British Comedian

Books, English, Respect

43

"We used to root for the Indians against the cavalry, because we didn't think it was fair in the history books that when the cavalry won it was a great victory, and when the Indians won it was a massacre."

"We used to root for the Indians against the cavalry, because we didn't think it was fair in the history books that when the cavalry won it was a great victory, and when the Indians won it was a massacre."

Dick Gregory, American Comedian

History, Victory, Books

43

"Life is just a bowl of pits."

"Life is just a bowl of pits."

Rodney Dangerfield, American Comedian

43

"That MySpace is the story of the year. Everyone but my mother is on it."

"That MySpace is the story of the year. Everyone but my mother is on it."

Dane Cook, American Comedian

43

"Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I'm thirsty, not dirty."

"Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I'm thirsty, not dirty."

Joe E. Lewis, American Comedian

43

"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."

"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."

Emo Philips, American Comedian

43

"I live in a high rise with my family part of the year in New York and I don't know three quarters of the people in the building. We live in the same square-footage and I wouldn't know who they were."

"I live in a high rise with my family part of the year in New York and I don't know three quarters of the people in the building. We live in the same square-footage and I wouldn't know who they were."

Dan Aykroyd, Canadian Comedian

Family, People, Building

43

"America truly is the best idea for a country that anyone has ever come up with so far. Not only because we value democracy and the rights of the individual, but because we are always our own most effective voice of descent....We must never mistake disagreement between Americans on political or moral issues to be an indication of their level of patriotism. If you don't like what I say or don't agree with where I stand on certain issues, then good. I'm glad we're in America, and don't have to oppress each other over it. We're not just a nation, we're not an ethnicity. We are a dream of justice that people have had for a thousand years."

"America truly is the best idea for a country that anyone has ever come up with so far. Not only because we value democracy and the rights of the individual, but because we are always our own most effective voice of descent....We must never mistake disagreement between Americans on political or moral issues to be an indication of their level of patriotism. If you don't like what I say or don't agree with where I stand on certain issues, then good. I'm glad we're in America, and don't have to oppress each other over it. We're not just a nation, we're not an ethnicity. We are a dream of justice that people have had for a thousand years."

Craig Ferguson, Scottish Comedian

Meaning, Democracy, Freedom, Society, Voice

43

"I never liked the men I loved and never loved the men I liked."

"I never liked the men I loved and never loved the men I liked."

Fanny Brice, American Comedian

43

"You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet."

"You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet."

Alan King, American Comedian

43

"My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping."

"My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping."

Rita Rudner, American Comedian

Mother, Husbands

43

"My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense."

"My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

Father, Children, Self

43

"Whatever talent I had, I'm sure it helped that my parents were in the business and that I grew up around actors, comedians and directors."

"Whatever talent I had, I'm sure it helped that my parents were in the business and that I grew up around actors, comedians and directors."

Ben Stiller, American Comedian

Business, Talent, Actors, Comedians

43

"The fact was, Ford kept stumbling around. I didn't want him in the White House. I wanted Carter in, and I had a forum of 20 million people watching."

"The fact was, Ford kept stumbling around. I didn't want him in the White House. I wanted Carter in, and I had a forum of 20 million people watching."

Chevy Chase, American Comedian

People, Fact, Want

43

"I believe that laughter is a language of God and that we can all live happily ever laughter."

"I believe that laughter is a language of God and that we can all live happily ever laughter."

Yakov Smirnoff, Russian Comedian

God, Language, Laughter

43

"I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity."

"I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity."

Chris Rock, American Comedian

Life, Now, Right, Stupidity

43

"I get all of my comedy from CNN."

"I get all of my comedy from CNN."

Rob Corddry, American Comedian

43

"If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer."

"If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer."

Rob Corddry, American Comedian

43

"That's life when you're on the D-list."

"That's life when you're on the D-list."

Kathy Griffin, American Comedian

43

"My act has always reflected what's going on in my life."

"My act has always reflected what's going on in my life."

Kathy Griffin, American Comedian

43

"To me, there is no greater act of courage than being the one who kisses first."

"To me, there is no greater act of courage than being the one who kisses first."

Janeane Garofalo, American Comedian

Courage, Act, Being, First

43

"Well, I play Jews and parrots. Parrots are how I've branched out."

"Well, I play Jews and parrots. Parrots are how I've branched out."

Gilbert Gottfried, American Comedian

43

"Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger."

"Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger."

Bill Cosby, American Comedian

Work, Appetite, Danger, Man

43

"I couldn't imagine what Fox thought they were doing, contemplating such a jagged protagonist for a prime-time drama. I only knew that I wanted the role very much."

"I couldn't imagine what Fox thought they were doing, contemplating such a jagged protagonist for a prime-time drama. I only knew that I wanted the role very much."

Hugh Laurie, British Comedian

43

"I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didn't like at school. I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little short story where she would kill him in a different way."

"I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didn't like at school. I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little short story where she would kill him in a different way."

Stephen Colbert, American Comedian

Day, Friends, School

43

"For a nation which has an almost evil reputation for bustle, bustle, bustle, and rush, rush, rush, we spend an enormous amount of time standing around in line in front of windows, just waiting."

"For a nation which has an almost evil reputation for bustle, bustle, bustle, and rush, rush, rush, we spend an enormous amount of time standing around in line in front of windows, just waiting."

Robert Benchley, American Comedian

Time, Evil, Nation, Reputation

43

"Something that confirms all fears and many conspiracy theories about government is finding out what our elected representatives would put into law if they could."

"Something that confirms all fears and many conspiracy theories about government is finding out what our elected representatives would put into law if they could."

P. J. O'Rourke, American Comedian

Politics, Observation, Awareness, Truth

43

"I've played piano and guitar when I was younger."

"I've played piano and guitar when I was younger."

Debra Wilson, American Comedian

43

"Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other."

"Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other."

Robert Benchley, American Comedian

Children, Dogs, Harm

43

"If there was no faith there would be no living in this world. We could not even eat hash with any safety."

"If there was no faith there would be no living in this world. We could not even eat hash with any safety."

Josh Billings, American Comedian

Faith, Living, Safety, World

43

"We have to do a film parody for Comic Relief. We can't decide which film to parody at the moment. Any ideas welcome, but not Spiderman owing to costume being too tight."

"We have to do a film parody for Comic Relief. We can't decide which film to parody at the moment. Any ideas welcome, but not Spiderman owing to costume being too tight."

Dawn French, British Comedian

Ideas, Being, Film

43

"With stand-up you've just got that one chance. Audiences can be quite fickle."

"With stand-up you've just got that one chance. Audiences can be quite fickle."

Johnny Vegas, British Comedian

Audience, Audiences, Chance

43

"Gay marriage acceptance is happening in the blink of an eye."

"Gay marriage acceptance is happening in the blink of an eye."

P. J. O'Rourke, American Comedian

Society, Change, Equality, Acceptance

43

"Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!"

"Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!"

Robin Williams, American Comedian

Business, Ethics, Giving

43

"I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone."

"I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

Humor, Misfortune, Loss, Pet

43

"I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds."

"I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds."

Joan Rivers, American Comedian

Life, Sex, Mother, HusbBeds

43

"The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever."

"The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever."

Gilbert Gottfried, American Comedian

Funny, Being, Pressure

43

"I understand Twitter has become popular among politicians. This technology allows them to stay in perpetual contact with their constituents. The electorate now has instant information about what politicians have been up to."

"I understand Twitter has become popular among politicians. This technology allows them to stay in perpetual contact with their constituents. The electorate now has instant information about what politicians have been up to."

P. J. O'Rourke, American Comedian

Transparency, Technology, Politics, Communication

43

"Oh, completely liberating because even if you don't do a woman right, you just have to put on high heels a wig, a bra and a dress, and I feel liberated."

"Oh, completely liberating because even if you don't do a woman right, you just have to put on high heels a wig, a bra and a dress, and I feel liberated."

Kevin McDonald, Canadian Comedian

Dress, Right, Woman

43

"Political promises are much like marriage vows. They are made at the beginning of the relationship between candidate and voter, but are quickly forgotten."

"Political promises are much like marriage vows. They are made at the beginning of the relationship between candidate and voter, but are quickly forgotten."

Dick Gregory, American Comedian

Marriage, Beginning, Promises

43

"There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else."

"There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else."

James Thurber, American Comedian

Numbers, Safety

43

"I always prefer the big laugh. That is always the objective, especially with a film like Scary Movie 2."

"I always prefer the big laugh. That is always the objective, especially with a film like Scary Movie 2."

Keenen Ivory Wayans, American Comedian

43

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

Tim Vine, British Comedian

43

"Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels."

"Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels."

Dennis Miller, American Comedian

Being, Light, Now, Police

43

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