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"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."
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"He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites."
Disaster
"I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy."
Beer
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
Boxing
"People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi."
People
"Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy."
Brother
"My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe."
Jokes
"I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator."
Night
"The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks."
Evil
"I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks."
Love
"When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas."
Coffee
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"Behind every effect there is a cause. You can never eliminate an effect without first understanding its cause."
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Personal Development
"Reason and free inquiry are the only effectual agents against error."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Man's life, as required by his nature, is not the life of a mindless brute, of a looting thug or a mooching mystic, but the life of a thinking being-not life by means of force or fraud, but life by means of achievement-not survival at any price, since there's only one price that pays for man's survival: reason."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Captain Vimes believed in logic, in much the same way as a man in a desert believed in ice -- i.e., it was something he really needed, but this just wasn't the world for it."
Author Name
Personal Development
"It's easy to get sidetracked with thoughts that involve much money and precious things, but before you launch into that mode, reason well."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Play with reason and doubt will close all the gates."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Religion is a distraction from true education."
Author Name
Personal Development
"The cheese-mites asked how the cheese got there, And warmly debated the matter; The Orthodox said that it came from the air, And the Heretics said from the platter. They argued it long and they argued it strong, And I hear they are arguing now; But of all the choice spirits who lived in the cheese, Not one of them thought of a cow."
Author Name
Personal Development
"For some reason in Spring Training, everything just clicked. You don't try to do anything in Spring Training but get ready, but things fell into place."
Author Name
Personal Development
"It's heartbreaking but we're trying to get over it. As disappointed as we were, I think that somehow you have to find a way to think that it happened for a reason."
Author Name
Personal Development
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