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Quotes by Comedian
"All men should strive to learn before they die, what they are running from, and to, and why."
39
"Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed."
39
"I also think if you're an actor and you can improvise, when you go on an audition and you can improvise you're just a genius. If you can, you know, take a Tide commercial and you can just say one funny line that's not in the commercial they think you're a genius."
39
"I have no qualifications to do anything else and there weren't any formal application forms you had to fill in for stand-up, so I thought I'd give that a twist."
39
"I've been around the block a lot and I've had a merry trail for 55 years."
39
"I had a romance novel inside me, but I paid three sailors to beat it out if me with steel pipes."
39
"Sometimes you can't see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others."
39
"Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four."
39
"MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic."
39
"Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, 'Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards.'"
39
"The best medicine I know for rheumatism is to thank the Lord that it ain't gout."
39
"If I ever completely lost my nervousness I would be frightened half to death."
39
"One of the principal goals in my life has been to avoid embarrassing my children by doing the job I do. I hope I've managed to do that, and I hope that, with the job I'm in now, they are, if not proud, at least unembarrassed by it. I must say, my three are most agreeable children, who do nothing but delight me."
39
"I think sometimes I should do more carousing, because I don't do much and maybe it would be fun occasionally. It's hard for me to have fun and I'm a serious thinker and a searcher and funny from the front."
39
"It is a very delicate job to forgive a man, without lowering him in his own estimation, and yours too."
39
"Paul is Starsky, and I met him before shooting. He was very kind and encouraged us to go with what we wanted to do. It was very sweet to see them back with the car after 25 years."
39
"Someday I'm going to go onstage in a dress if I want to."
39
"Nothing separates the generations more than music. By the time a child is eight or nine, he has developed a passion for his own music that is even stronger than his passions for procrastination and weird clothes."
39
"Tony Rezko and Bill Ayers should lead the Democratic Party. They are the only Democrats with any convictions."
39
"When my mother had to get dinner for 8 she'd just make enough for 16 and only serve half."
39
"Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need."
39
"I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing."
39
"I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic."
39
"I am really enjoying the new Martin Luther King Jr stamp - just think about all those white bigots, licking the backside of a black man."
39
"And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected."
39
"The planet is fine. The people are fucked."
39
"A woman would pitch a joke. Nothing. Then a guy would pitch it and everybody would laugh."
39
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