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Quotes by Comedian
"Leno, Conan. They are both really funny. They really know how to land one."
49
"I'm not a standup. I don't really have jokes. I don't have 10 minutes. It took a while for me to realize this."
49
"I've no idea what they make of me. People usually don't recognise themselves in an impression."
49
"Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility."
49
"I always feel like an interloper when I do serious drama. It's my own paranoia."
49
"My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor."
49
"I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book."
49
"It's the Power of the Almighty, the Splendor of Nature, and then you."
49
"We picked the Red Sox because they lose. If you root for something that loses for 86 years, you're a pretty good fan. You don't have to win everything to be a fan of something."
49
"My table seats eight, so that's my maximum. Having a small number of guests is the only way to generate good conversation. Besides, your whole house doesn't get wrecked that way."
49
"We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together."
49
"The old days were the old days. And they were great days. But now is now."
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"For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string."
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"Or the Department of Education and another ministry were worried about duplication of effort, so what did they do? They set up two committees to look into duplication and neither knew what the other was up to. It really is a world beyond parody."
49
"Well, I think that there's a value to comedy in and of itself."
49
"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
49
"I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar."
49
"Chris Martin's a good friend of mine. I'm actually Apple's godfather. He's an old friend and we've been mates for quite a few years now."
49
"Everything runs its course. We had told a lot of stories that happened in our life. My kid was getting older, and we were running out of stories to tell."
49
"I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in."
49
"Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town."
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"You are only young once, and if you work it right, once is enough."
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"Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need."
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"I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot."
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"I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic."
49
"I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age."
49
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