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Humor Quotes
"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves."
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"Vice is a creature of such hideous mien... that the more you see it the better you like it."
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"It is good to brush your teeth when you are angry, because you brush harder and do a better job."
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"As far as I'm concerned, "whom" is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler."
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"The great thing about university is that they incline you to get up and do it, from the Classics to modern plays, to the humor that Monty Pythons made popular."
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"One can have a wit, but not a witless."
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"The three chief virtues of a programmer are: Laziness, Impatience and Hubris."
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"Designer clothes worn by children are like snowsuits worn by adults. Few can carry it off successfully."
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"Humor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can think of. If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows. With luck, success comes, too."
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"Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing."
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"No hard feelings about that time in the Crucible when you mixed my salts and I was nearly blind for a day. No. No, really, drink up!"
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"The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink."
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"Through the metal grating on my carrier door, Adrian's face suddenly appeared, peering in at me. "What new, pussycat?"
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"You are fifty different kinds of twisted.""Only fifty? Val, you wound me."
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"There's folks 'ud stand on their heads and then say the fault was i' their boots."
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"The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy also mentions alcohol. It says that the best drink in existence is the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, the effect of which is like having your brains smashed out with a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick."
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"If one tends to be a humorous person and you have a sense of humor the rest of your life then you can certainly lighten the load, I think, by bringing that to your trials and tribulations. It's easy to have a sense of humor when everything is going well."
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"Like almost everyone who uses e-mail, I receive a ton of spam every day. Much of it offers to help me get out of debt or get rich quick. It would be funny if it weren't so exciting."
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"The only good husbands stay bachelors: They're too considerate to get married."
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"Secret to what?""Secret to shutting you up," he said. "I just have to beat you till you're half-dead, then give you chicken soup and"--he raised his hands--"blessed silence."
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"The total absence of humor from the Bible is one of the most singular things in all literature."
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"I can't count the men who have tried to seduce me away from my virtue by teaching me how to defend it."
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