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Humor Quotes
"If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning."
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"One day President Roosevelt told me that he was asking publicly for suggestions about what the war should be called. I said at once 'The Unnecessary War'."
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"A succubus on the set. Strike that, the health-conscious kid sister made it two succubuses. Succubusees? Succubi? Stupid Latin correspondence course."
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"As soon as you wink, you close your eyes to reality."
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"I've never seen such a bunch of apple-eaters."
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"Humor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can think of. If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows. With luck, success comes, too."
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"When stupidity knocks at the door, it is stupidity that opens it."
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"Vice is a creature of such hideous mien... that the more you see it the better you like it."
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"No hard feelings about that time in the Crucible when you mixed my salts and I was nearly blind for a day. No. No, really, drink up!"
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"Since when has the world of computer software design been about what people want? This is a simple question of evolution. The day is quickly coming when every knee will bow down to a silicon fist, and you will all beg your binary gods for mercy."
32
"The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy also mentions alcohol. It says that the best drink in existence is the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, the effect of which is like having your brains smashed out with a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick."
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"I figure I'll be champ for about ten years and then I'll let my brother take over - like the Kennedys down in Washington."
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"Secret to what?""Secret to shutting you up," he said. "I just have to beat you till you're half-dead, then give you chicken soup and"--he raised his hands--"blessed silence."
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"Politicians like the effect of alcohol because it makes them feel important."
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"Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I'll forgive Thy great big joke on me."
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"Advertisers also know that humor can help bond us to their product."
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"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
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"The three chief virtues of a programmer are: Laziness, Impatience and Hubris."
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"The only good husbands stay bachelors: They're too considerate to get married."
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"The great thing about university is that they incline you to get up and do it, from the Classics to modern plays, to the humor that Monty Pythons made popular."
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"The key to good eavesdropping is not getting caught."
29
"Don't blame you," said Marvin and counted five hundred and ninety-seven thousand million sheep before falling asleep again a second later."
29
"So, Marasi said, "you traded a dead man's scarf for another dead man's gun. But the gun itself belonged to someone dead, so by the same logic-"Don't try, Waxillium said. "Logic doesn't work on Wayne."I bought a ward against it off a traveling fortune-teller, Wayne explained. "It lets me add two 'n' two and get a pickle."
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"As far as I'm concerned, "whom" is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler."
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"My greatest thrill was the day Mad magazine spoofed 'Ghost.'"
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