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Humor Quotes
"One day President Roosevelt told me that he was asking publicly for suggestions about what the war should be called. I said at once 'The Unnecessary War'."
50
"If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning."
48
"Humor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can think of. If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows. With luck, success comes, too."
48
"No hard feelings about that time in the Crucible when you mixed my salts and I was nearly blind for a day. No. No, really, drink up!"
48
"The three chief virtues of a programmer are: Laziness, Impatience and Hubris."
48
"A little perspective, like a little humor, goes a long way."
48
"I figure I'll be champ for about ten years and then I'll let my brother take over - like the Kennedys down in Washington."
47
"Advertisers also know that humor can help bond us to their product."
47
"Secret to what?""Secret to shutting you up," he said. "I just have to beat you till you're half-dead, then give you chicken soup and"--he raised his hands--"blessed silence."
47
"A succubus on the set. Strike that, the health-conscious kid sister made it two succubuses. Succubusees? Succubi? Stupid Latin correspondence course."
47
"Don't blame you," said Marvin and counted five hundred and ninety-seven thousand million sheep before falling asleep again a second later."
47
"Vice is a creature of such hideous mien... that the more you see it the better you like it."
46
"A successful lawsuit is the one worn by a policeman."
46
"There's folks 'ud stand on their heads and then say the fault was i' their boots."
46
"Mess is fairly good. It is like what is found in American hotels except for cake and pie."
44
"Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try."
44
"When stupidity knocks at the door, it is stupidity that opens it."
44
"Politicians like the effect of alcohol because it makes them feel important."
44
"The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy also mentions alcohol. It says that the best drink in existence is the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, the effect of which is like having your brains smashed out with a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick."
44
"So, Marasi said, "you traded a dead man's scarf for another dead man's gun. But the gun itself belonged to someone dead, so by the same logic-"Don't try, Waxillium said. "Logic doesn't work on Wayne."I bought a ward against it off a traveling fortune-teller, Wayne explained. "It lets me add two 'n' two and get a pickle."
44
"The only good husbands stay bachelors: They're too considerate to get married."
43
"The key to good eavesdropping is not getting caught."
43
"I've never seen such a bunch of apple-eaters."
43
"Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing."
43
"George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie."
43
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