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"George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie."
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"I've been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog."
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Personal Development
"Sometimes absurd logic can be amusing and heart-touching."
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Personal Development
"I think at its best the American sense of humor is the same as the British sense of humor at its best, which is to be wry and ironic and self deprecating."
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Personal Development
"You can turn your back on a person, but never turn your back on a drug, especially when its waving a razor sharp hunting knife in your eye."
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Personal Development
"Alimony: the cash surrender value of a husband."
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Personal Development
"Beware of giggle grins, they are highly contagious."
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Personal Development
"When I reprimanded my son for hair like Michael Jackson he said: "I don't see the problem you wear yours like Michael Jordan.""
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Personal Development
"I detest life-insurance agents: they always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so."
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Personal Development
"God, you had enough time to have been through it three times. You've been through my stuff. I bet you over and let one of you stick the world's longest finger up my ass. If a prostate check is an exam, that was a motherfucking safari. I was scared to look down. I thought I'd see that guy's finger nail sticking out of my cock."
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Personal Development
"There's folks 'ud stand on their heads and then say the fault was i' their boots."
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"Ignorant people think it is the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it is the sickening grammar that they use."
Language
"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained."
Wisdom
"Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet."
Wisdom
"I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up."
Wisdom
"Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do."
Life
"Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And ain't that a big enough majority for any town?"
Society
"One must travel, to learn. Every day, now, old Scriptural phrases that never possessed any significance for me before, take to themselves a meaning."
Learning
"I had to have company -- I was made for it, I think -- so I made friends with the animals. They are just charming, and they have the kindest disposition and the politest ways; they never look sour, they never let you feel that you are intruding, they smile at you and wag their tail, if they've got one, and they are always ready for a romp or an excursion or anything you want to propose."
Friendship
"It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it."
Humor
"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up."
Happiness
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