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"The only good husbands stay bachelors: They're too considerate to get married."
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"Your party kicked so much ass!Even though you suck so much! It's like, instead of blood, your heart pumps liquid suck! But thanks for the beer!"
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Personal Development
"Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions."
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Personal Development
"The moment you have a self at all, there is a possibility of putting yourself first - wanting to be the centre - wanting to be God, in fact. That was the sin of Satan: and that was the sin he taught the human race. Some people think the fall of man had something to do with sex, but that is a mistake...what Satan put into the heads of our remote ancestors was the idea that they 'could be like Gods' - could set up on their own as if they had created themselves - be their own masters - invent some sort of happiness for themselves outside God, apart from God. And out of that hopeless attempt has come...the long terrible story of man trying to find something other than God which will make him happy."
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Personal Development
"I used to think that size does not count, until I realized that most people either find other people's faeces more disgusting than a bird's droppings, or they do not find the latter disgusting at all."
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Personal Development
"The real satire starts when I'm shockingly mocked,not mockingly shocked."
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Personal Development
"They are fond of fun and therefore witty, wit being well-bred insolence."
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Personal Development
"Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is."
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Personal Development
"People who are not blessed with the ability to make others laugh compensate for that by saying (or trying to say) things that are profound."
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Personal Development
"We can't all be comedians, some people have to do the laughing."
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Personal Development
"His voice is to entertainment what the kazoo is to classical music."
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Personal Development
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"There ain't any news in being good. You might write the doings of all the convents of the world on the back of a postage stamp, and have room to spare."
Being
"Don't jump on a man unless he is down."
Man
"One of the strangest things about life is that the poor, who need the money the most, are the ones that never have it."
Life
"The only good husbands stay bachelors: They're too considerate to get married."
Humor
"Trust everybody, but cut the cards."
Trust
"A lie with a purpose is one of the worst kind, and the most profitable."
Lie
"Comfort the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable."
Comfort
"Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals."
Food
"An appeal is when you ask one court to show it's contempt for another court."
Law
"There are no friends at cards or world politics."
Friendship
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