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"The only good husbands stay bachelors: They're too considerate to get married."
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"Sometimes absurd logic can be amusing and heart-touching."
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Personal Development
"Alimony: the cash surrender value of a husband."
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Personal Development
"Beware of giggle grins, they are highly contagious."
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Personal Development
"When I reprimanded my son for hair like Michael Jackson he said: "I don't see the problem you wear yours like Michael Jordan.""
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Personal Development
"God alert!" Blackjack yelled. "It's the wine dude!Mr. D sighed in exasperation. "The next person, or horse, who calls me the 'wine dude' will end up in a bottle of Merlot!"
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Personal Development
"Probably went swimming and got eaten by a pineapple."
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Personal Development
"Monkeys who very sensibly refrain from speech, lest they should be set to earn their livings."
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Personal Development
"Igor?' said Moist. 'You have an Igor?'Oh, yes,' said Hubert. 'That's how I get this wonderful light. They know the secret of storing lightning in jars! But don't let that worry you, Mr Lipspick. Just because I'm employing an Igor and working in a cellar doesn't mean I'm some sort of madman, ha ha ha!'Ha ha,' agreed Moist.Ha hah hah!,' said Hubert. 'Hahahahahaha!! Ahahahahahahhhhh!!!!!-'Bent slapped him on the back. Hubert coughed.Sorry about that, it's the air down here,' he mumbled."
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Personal Development
"This was beyond a joke. This had moved beyond foolishness, slipped over the line into genuine 24 karat Jesus-Christ-I-fucked-up-bigtime territory."
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Personal Development
"Some kid asked what a dilemma is. And I replied: When a starving man has to choose between a plate of food, and, a roll of toilet paper."
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"Trust everybody, but cut the cards."
Trust
"The only good husbands stay bachelors: They're too considerate to get married."
Humor
"An appeal is when you ask one court to show it's contempt for another court."
Law
"The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here."
Past
"Don't jump on a man unless he is down."
Man
"Comfort the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable."
Comfort
"There ain't any news in being good. You might write the doings of all the convents of the world on the back of a postage stamp, and have room to spare."
Being
"Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals."
Food
"There are no friends at cards or world politics."
Friendship
"One of the strangest things about life is that the poor, who need the money the most, are the ones that never have it."
Life
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