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"I've been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Sometimes absurd logic can be amusing and heart-touching."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I think at its best the American sense of humor is the same as the British sense of humor at its best, which is to be wry and ironic and self deprecating."
Author Name
Personal Development
"You can turn your back on a person, but never turn your back on a drug, especially when its waving a razor sharp hunting knife in your eye."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Alimony: the cash surrender value of a husband."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I've stopped drinking, but only while I'm asleep."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Beware of giggle grins, they are highly contagious."
Author Name
Personal Development
"When I reprimanded my son for hair like Michael Jackson he said: "I don't see the problem you wear yours like Michael Jordan.""
Author Name
Personal Development
"I detest life-insurance agents: they always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so."
Author Name
Personal Development
"God, you had enough time to have been through it three times. You've been through my stuff. I bet you over and let one of you stick the world's longest finger up my ass. If a prostate check is an exam, that was a motherfucking safari. I was scared to look down. I thought I'd see that guy's finger nail sticking out of my cock."
Author Name
Personal Development
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"The test of an author is not to be found merely in the number of his phrases that pass current in the corner of newspapers... but in the number of passages that have really taken root in younger minds."
Newspapers
"Nothing is so galling to a people not broken in from the birth as a paternal, or in other words a meddling government, a government which tells them what to read and say and eat and drink and wear."
Government
"There is no defense against adverse fortune which is so effectual as an habitual sense of humor."
Humor
"When a thought takes one's breath away, a grammar lesson seems an impertinence."
Thought
"Great men are rarely isolated mountain peaks; they are the summits of ranges."
Men
"Originality is simply a pair of fresh eyes."
Eye
"Fields are won by those who believe in the winning."
Winning
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