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All Quotes Collection
"I think the Matrix effect is over-used and I don't do it anymore."
51
"Homer is the nice side of Al Bundy with the same intellect. I really like him and Al Bundy."
46
"If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up."
29
"There's no such thing as the United Nations. If the U.N. secretary building in New York lost 10 stories, it wouldn't make a bit of difference."
33
"We estimate that once Iraq acquires fissile material - whether from a foreign source or by securing the materials to build an indigenous fissile material capability - it could fabricate a nuclear weapon within one year."
37
"Diplomacy is not an end in itself if it does not advance U.S. interests."
38
"In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet."
14
"What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?"
46
"When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911."
43
"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'."
17
"When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway."
65
"Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother."
51
"It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else."
41
"There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child."
37
"It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows."
53
"There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M."
Body,
50
"In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television."
45
"I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars."
35
"Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub."
51
"I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair."
15
"I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: "Checkout Time is 18 years.""
15
"I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes."
40
"I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex."
47
"I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up."
68
"I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it."
82
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage."
62
"Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide."
63
"It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding."
40
"On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings."
58
"Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery."
54
"Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown."
31
"My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car."
24
"My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint."
74
"My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?"
21
"I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order."
30
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
59
"Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated."
23
"Never have more children than you have car windows."
67
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