top of page
.png){kind=small}
Quotes by Comedian
"I've had a lot of struggles and I would be in a lot of trouble, I think, if I wasn't a Christian."
35
"It's a funny thing about Americans, we love to bitch about paying too much for the things we really need and are really a bargain, like gas and postage stamps, but we willingly shell out outrageous amounts for unnecessary crap like gourmet coffee and soap to make your crotch smell good. Two dollars a gallon to go ten miles is too much, but five to the parking valet to go ten feet is okay."
35
"Call a man 'ignorant,' and you have license to show the world your vast fund of knowledge and wise him up."
35
"New Rule: Apple's next device must be a computer that you control with your tongue. Thanks for eliminating the keyboard and the mouse, but pointing and pushing at things already seems too complicated and tiring. We're Americans--and until you free our hands from the computer entirely, we can never attain our ultimate goal: Web surfing while eating and masturbating."
35
"The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it."
35
"My work's never been accepted by my family, but it's something I'll always carry on with."
35
"Oh Satan you're a wily one."
35
"In rare instances you have to give up what you thought was a great scene."
34
"I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks."
34
"Of, course it always cheers a news editor when a story has what we describe as 'legs' therefore it, erm, runs."
News,
34
"We've been swimming at nude beaches and I love to go skinny dipping, but I'm sorry, sitting on top of a mountain, that's just, you're trying to show off or something. That's ridiculous."
34
"Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge."
34
"So it took me five years because in the interim I have been doing a lot of personal appearances and movies and some television series that went into the plumbing and I stopped writing for a while."
34
"Nothing would make me happier if Peter Falk would finally win his Oscar for this. Not just as the writer but as a fan and a friend. It would be so great."
34
"And it was a huge emotional thing to leave the law and become unemployed - to be a student again."
Law,
34
"Manufacturers are making products kosher to get in on that market, plus more people are looking for kosher."
34
"And I thought, when I have kids, that's the sort of well told, silly, and fun fairy tale that I would want to take them to. But it was an amazing experience. And I think Shrek is a real classic, a fairy tale classic."
34
"I mean, I've sold all these scripts and nothing's been made. Studios have closed, stars have died. I had a director find Jesus. And the pictures just don't get made."
34
"I don't really look at myself as the kind of person who craves attention, but I've never been to therapy so there's probably a lot of stuff about myself that I don't know."
34
"You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex."
34
"I made about 28 movies, and I think about five of them were good."
34
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
34
"Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I'll be damned if Rick Perry didn't take me up on that."
34
"Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill."
34
bottom of page