"New Rule: Apple's next device must be a computer that you control with your tongue. Thanks for eliminating the keyboard and the mouse, but pointing and pushing at things already seems too complicated and tiring. We're Americans--and until you free our hands from the computer entirely, we can never attain our ultimate goal: Web surfing while eating and masturbating."

Humor, Technology, Innovation, Society

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"New Rule: Apple's next device must be a computer that you control with your tongue. Thanks for eliminating the keyboard and the mouse, but pointing and pushing at things already seems too complicated and tiring. We're Americans--and until you free our hands from the computer entirely, we can never attain our ultimate goal: Web surfing while eating and masturbating."

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"He smiles, and he's made of trouble. We should have dropped him in the Thames in a bag of stones. We should have left him out for the fairies."

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"Playing Solitaire is a non-smoking employee's smoke break."

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"Wit is the only wall between us and the dark."

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Explore more quotes by Bill Maher

"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."

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"I'm not a Christian, but I have read his book."

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"Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex."

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"To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'."

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"The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs."

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"After September 11th, I never much liked the trend of everyone and his brother wearing the hats and jackets of the NYPD and FDNY. Only the people who do the job should get to wear the hat. Would you wear someone else's Medal of Honor? Yes, it's a tribute, and sincere tribute is always appropriate for these brave people. But wearing their symbols is also rubbing off a piece of heroism that isn't yours."

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"To me a real patriot is like a real friend. Who's your real friend? It's the person who tells you the truth. That's who my real friends are. So, you know, I think as far as our country goes, we need more people who will do that."

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"We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly."

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"We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops people from thinking. I think it justified crazies."

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"Curious people are intersting people, I wonder why that is."

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