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Quotes by Comedian
"You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it."
44
"Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too."
44
"Talking about music is like dancing about architecture."
44
"I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down."
44
"USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population."
44
"The person I have admired the most in comedy terms would be Eric Morecambe, who is my total hero."
44
"Food is my thing, I do not smoke or drink, so food is my vice."
44
"Doctor Who was a big part of my childhood so it was a great honour to be in it."
44
"So yes, I say things I regret constantly, and I just can't help it."
44
"People can be more forgiving than you can imagine. But you have to forgive yourself. Let go of what's bitter and move on."
44
"Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it."
44
"I think the more you do this and the more comfortable you become on stage, you start speaking more and becoming more of a character in yourself."
44
"This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!"
44
"A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done."
44
"Nothing makes a man feel older than to hear a band coming up the street and not to have the impulse to rush downstairs and out on to the sidewalk."
44
"I think the Internet's been a tremendous tool in terms of breaking down the power structure of information and entertainment, particularly at a time when so much information and entertainment were in the hands of so few people, with multinationals owning everything."
44
"I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor."
44
"Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you."
44
"I won't eat anything that has intelligent life, but I'd gladly eat a network executive or a politician."
44
"I think a lot of the instincts you have doing comedy are really the same for doing drama, in that it's essentially about listening. The way I approach comedy, is you have to commit to everything as if it's a dramatic role, meaning you play it straight."
44
"People drain me, even the closest of friends, and I find loneliness to be the best state in the union to live in."
44
"The right wing has had a radio apparatus for years and years, so they've had minor leagues - they've had local rightwing guys who've become national rightwing guys, and who build slowly, and that's how it goes. We haven't had that. It isn't like we have a farm team."
44
"The Yale group was doing the Harold. So by our senior year we were trying to do the Harold. Again, we had no idea what we were doing. We had one guy in the group who was pretty experimental; he would kind of push us to do weird things. It was really fun, a great experience."
44
"This used to be a government of checks and balances. Now it's all checks and no balances."
44
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