Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 40/75

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Quotes by Comedian

"We have to do a film parody for Comic Relief. We can't decide which film to parody at the moment. Any ideas welcome, but not Spiderman owing to costume being too tight."

"We have to do a film parody for Comic Relief. We can't decide which film to parody at the moment. Any ideas welcome, but not Spiderman owing to costume being too tight."

Dawn French, British Comedian

Ideas, Being, Film

35

"Last year people won more than one billion dollars playing poker. And casinos made twenty-seven billion just by being around those people."

"Last year people won more than one billion dollars playing poker. And casinos made twenty-seven billion just by being around those people."

Samantha Bee, American Comedian

People, Being, Poker

35

"Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds."

"Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds."

Joan Rivers, American Comedian

35

"I am in love with Larry David."

"I am in love with Larry David."

Kathy Griffin, American Comedian

35

"Tel Aviv is new, built on the sand dunes north of Jaffa in the 1890s, about the same time Miami was founded. The cities bear a resemblance in size, site, climate, and architecture, which ranges from the bland to the fancifully bland."

"Tel Aviv is new, built on the sand dunes north of Jaffa in the 1890s, about the same time Miami was founded. The cities bear a resemblance in size, site, climate, and architecture, which ranges from the bland to the fancifully bland."

P. J. O'Rourke, American Comedian

Geography, History, Architecture, City, Culture

35

"I'm too tough and sensitive to have to have some pubescent twerp with his mom's earring in his tongue, who combs his hair with Redi-Whip and has an Ani DiFranco tattoo on his shin, come show me how a computer works."

"I'm too tough and sensitive to have to have some pubescent twerp with his mom's earring in his tongue, who combs his hair with Redi-Whip and has an Ani DiFranco tattoo on his shin, come show me how a computer works."

P. J. O'Rourke, American Comedian

Skills, Knowledge, Frustration, Humor, Observation

35

"I never thought I want to do anything, really, except not go to work properly and turn up at the same place every day and eat sandwiches in the same canteen, if I can possibly help it, as I don't think I'd be very good at it."

"I never thought I want to do anything, really, except not go to work properly and turn up at the same place every day and eat sandwiches in the same canteen, if I can possibly help it, as I don't think I'd be very good at it."

Dylan Moran, Irish Comedian

Work, Thought, Day, Help

35

"The trouble with people is not that they don't know but that they know so much that ain't so."

"The trouble with people is not that they don't know but that they know so much that ain't so."

Josh Billings, American Comedian

People, Trouble

35

"Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!"

"Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!"

Robin Williams, American Comedian

Business, Ethics, Giving

35

"I mean, I've had bartenders and waiters and waitresses make a comment about a joke of mine, like pointing out some sort of logic error or something that I've never even thought about, and they're right."

"I mean, I've had bartenders and waiters and waitresses make a comment about a joke of mine, like pointing out some sort of logic error or something that I've never even thought about, and they're right."

Todd Barry, American Comedian

Thought, Error, Logic, Right

35

"I think when I have kids and grandchildren I will be very proud to have them watch this movie."

"I think when I have kids and grandchildren I will be very proud to have them watch this movie."

Mike Myers, Canadian Comedian

35

"When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat."

"When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat."

George Carlin, American Comedian

35

"Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on."

"Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on."

Dennis Miller, American Comedian

Money, Conservative, Liberal

35

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam."

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam."

George Carlin, American Comedian

People, Bible, Thinking

35

"There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness."

"There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness."

Josh Billings, American Comedian

Forgiveness, Revenge

35

"The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong."

"The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong."

David Letterman, American Comedian

35

"I watched every single Charlie Chaplin film."

"I watched every single Charlie Chaplin film."

Chevy Chase, American Comedian

35

"I always prefer the big laugh. That is always the objective, especially with a film like Scary Movie 2."

"I always prefer the big laugh. That is always the objective, especially with a film like Scary Movie 2."

Keenen Ivory Wayans, American Comedian

35

"I have lived in this world just long enough to look carefully the second time into things that I am most certain of the first time."

"I have lived in this world just long enough to look carefully the second time into things that I am most certain of the first time."

Josh Billings, American Comedian

Time, First, World

35

"Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels."

"Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels."

Dennis Miller, American Comedian

Being, Light, Now, Police

35

"Some government workers are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire."

"Some government workers are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire."

Wanda Sykes, American Comedian

Government, Work, Waiting, Workers

35

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper."

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper."

Steve Martin, American Comedian

Nothing, Pretty

35

"I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'"

"I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'"

Emo Philips, American Comedian

35

"Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost."

"Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost."

James Thurber, American Comedian

35

"There is a class system in acting just like in anything else. Black females fall in a category below black male actors."

"There is a class system in acting just like in anything else. Black females fall in a category below black male actors."

Debra Wilson, American Comedian

Acting, Actors, Class

35

"A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative. Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing too."

"A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative. Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing too."

P. J. O'Rourke, American Comedian

Famous, Nothing, Quiet

35

"Life is tough, then you die."

"Life is tough, then you die."

George Carlin, American Comedian

Reality, Life, Pain, Struggle

35

"Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making."

"Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

Men, Mediocrity

35

"I'm not a standup, but I play one on TV."

"I'm not a standup, but I play one on TV."

Ana Gasteyer, American Comedian

34

"Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it."

"Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it."

Bill Cosby, American Comedian

34

"They can't make any of these talented young actors Fletch. You might as well make a movie called Chevy Chase."

"They can't make any of these talented young actors Fletch. You might as well make a movie called Chevy Chase."

Chevy Chase, American Comedian

34

"If we have the opportunity to be generous with our hearts, ourselves, we have no idea of the depth and breadth of love's reach."

"If we have the opportunity to be generous with our hearts, ourselves, we have no idea of the depth and breadth of love's reach."

Margaret Cho, American Comedian

Love, Idea, Opportunity

34

"I'm definitely not up-to-date on the high-tech videogame world."

"I'm definitely not up-to-date on the high-tech videogame world."

Rachel Dratch, American Comedian

34

"But I really like hosting, I think it's a strength of mine. It allows me to improvise, and I love the spontaneity of that, and I think I'm funny behind the desk when interviewing someone."

"But I really like hosting, I think it's a strength of mine. It allows me to improvise, and I love the spontaneity of that, and I think I'm funny behind the desk when interviewing someone."

Garry Shandling, American Comedian

Funny, Love, Strength, Spontaneity

34

"So they ended up turning this little twenty eight page book into the movie. And it's all about this stinky, smelly ogre who doesn't care what anybody thinks of him."

"So they ended up turning this little twenty eight page book into the movie. And it's all about this stinky, smelly ogre who doesn't care what anybody thinks of him."

Mike Myers, Canadian Comedian

34

"There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell."

"There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell."

Stephen Colbert, American Comedian

Being, Friends, Gay, Hell

34

"That's what keeps me up at three in the morning: Who's looking at reviews of Cabin Boy right now?"

"That's what keeps me up at three in the morning: Who's looking at reviews of Cabin Boy right now?"

Chris Elliott, American Comedian

34

"Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?"

"Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?"

James Thurber, American Comedian

34

"I've always dreamed of growing up to be Amy Poehler."

"I've always dreamed of growing up to be Amy Poehler."

Amy Poehler, American Comedian

34

"I'm here today because I refused to be unhappy. I took a chance."

"I'm here today because I refused to be unhappy. I took a chance."

Wanda Sykes, American Comedian

34

"I often go on a liquid fast a couple of days a week. I never take just water. Instead, I'll have maybe six glasses of vegetable and fruit juices a day."

"I often go on a liquid fast a couple of days a week. I never take just water. Instead, I'll have maybe six glasses of vegetable and fruit juices a day."

Paul Lynde, American Comedian

34

"Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too."

"Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too."

Joan Rivers, American Comedian

34

"Joel McHale is so money, he should be printed on money."

"Joel McHale is so money, he should be printed on money."

Joel McHale, American Comedian

34

"My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself."

"My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself."

Henny Youngman, American Comedian

Time, Brother, Army, First

34

"The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house."

"The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house."

Jeff Foxworthy, American Comedian

34

"Rockefeller once explained the secret of success. 'Get up early, work late - and strike oil.'"

"Rockefeller once explained the secret of success. 'Get up early, work late - and strike oil.'"

Joey Adams, American Comedian

Work, Success, Oil

34

"Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against."

"Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against."

W. C. Fields, American Comedian

34

"I never was someone who was at ease with happiness."

"I never was someone who was at ease with happiness."

Hugh Laurie, British Comedian

34

"The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring."

"The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring."

Milton Berle, American Comedian

34

"The running across the field thing, that was the first scene we shot in the movie. We asked the audience to stay for the scene, and 37,000 people stayed."

"The running across the field thing, that was the first scene we shot in the movie. We asked the audience to stay for the scene, and 37,000 people stayed."

Jimmy Fallon, American Comedian

People, First, Running

34

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