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"USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population."
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"We should not judge people by their peak of excellence; but by the distance they have traveled from the point where they started."

"I believe that in every country the people themselves are more peaceably and liberally inclined than their governments."

"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."

"People generally quarrel because they cannot argue."

"People's personalities, like buildings, have various facades, some pleasant to view, some not."

"How long most people would look at the best book before they would give the price of a large turbot for it?"
Explore more quotes by David Letterman

"We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector."

"Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives."

"Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?"

"Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees."

"I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments."

"President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either."

"Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel."

"New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move."
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