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Quotes by Comedian
"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
57
"We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet."
Feet,
57
"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples."
57
"Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing."
57
"My kitchen is not a place to live in. I made it white so I can tell instantly if it's not clean-and I like it clean enough to be able to eat off the floors-or the tables, for that matter."
57
"I haven't been as wild with my money as somebody like me might have been. I've been very safe, very conservative with investments. I don't blow money. I don't have a ton of houses. I know things can go away. I've already had that experience."
57
"If you say a modern celebrity is an adulterer, a pervert and a drug addict, all it means is that you've read his autobiography."
56
"But let's be clear. We're talking about a country where there's no opposition. As leader he can ignore Parliament and - sorry that's Tony Blair isn't it? Um, so he doesn't even have to ask the country before he goes to war - sorry that's still Tony Blair."
56
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
56
"Every now and then you get a nice Jewish kid who likes black people and they would come in, and it would be a stream of them, and have black friends and really feel the black struggle on the acting tip and it's a reason why all of us are not dying in the movie."
56
"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'"
56
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"
56
"Work is important to me. I want to do things for principle, not just for the sake of doing them."
56
"I think Mr. Wilson will have to be the rest of the way alone."
56
"A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House."
56
"It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy."
56
"There are two kinds of light - the glow that illuminates, and the glare that obscures."
56
"A wedding is a funeral where you smell your own flowers."
56
"I play basketball on Sundays and I'm a very spiritual guy; I read a lot of Eastern philosophy and I meditate."
56
"Common sense is the knack of seeing things as they are, and doing things as they ought to be done."
56
"Nobody can stop you but you. And shame on you if you're the one who stops yourself."
56
"Back then, I was doing more of my impression of what a comic is supposed to do."
56
"I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke."
56
"I tend to stay up late, not because I'm partying but because it's the only time of the day when I'm alone and don't have to be performing."
56
"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."
56
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