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Quotes by Comedian
"You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up."
46
"People who annoy people are the luckiest people in the world."
46
"When you don't know what you're talking about, it's hard to know when you're finished."
46
"I have a new joke today. Martha Stewart's on suicide watch. They had to unplug all of her ovens."
46
"In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One."
46
"Carrot Top is a nickname that people call me and I thought that it was more marketable."
46
"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums."
46
"I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out."
46
"I'm not against half naked girls - not as often as I'd like to be."
46
"The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travellers pay the expense of it."
46
"We have a choice - we can both think and feel, using our heads and our hearts."
46
"We end the show with something that's never been on TV because it was too big for a sketch but we couldn't stretch it out to make a whole episode because it would have been too long, but we always thought it was really good."
46
"But no, I've just been very lucky. But I've worked hard, and the harder you work, the luckier you seem to get."
Work,
46
"I met Kevin when I was 19, at a Second City workshop. We were paired up together in the first class I went to. By the end of the class we formed our improv group, and over the next three years we performed leading up to the formation of The Kids in the Hall."
46
"If I'm a game show host, will someone buy a ticket to see me do standup? To do a dramatic role in a movie?"
Will,
46
"You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education."
46
"The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly."
46
"I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it."
46
"I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out."
46
"We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet."
Feet,
46
"I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it."
46
"Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard."
46
"Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more."
46
"A good many young writers make the mistake of enclosing a stamped, self-addressed envelope, big enough for the manuscript to come back in. This is too much of a temptation to the editor."
46
"I try not to worry about what that's going to look like. If you worry about looking stupid, that's when you look really stupid."
45
"You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'"
Old,
45
"Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering."
45
"We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free."
45
"I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be', they told me it wasn't enough."
Army,
45
"Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything."
45
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