Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 15/64

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Quotes by Comedian

"I was born in very sorry circumstances."

"I was born in very sorry circumstances."

Norman Wisdom, English Comedian

Circumstance, Circumstances

5

"A wedding is a funeral where you smell your own flowers."

"A wedding is a funeral where you smell your own flowers."

Eddie Cantor, American Comedian

Wedding, Flowers

5

"If you don't think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CD's and burn them."

"If you don't think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CD's and burn them."

Bill Hicks, American Comedian

5

"The difference between playing the stock market and the horses is that one of the horses must win."

"The difference between playing the stock market and the horses is that one of the horses must win."

Joey Adams, American Comedian

Difference, Horses

5

"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."

"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."

George Carlin, American Comedian

5

"Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children."

"Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children."

Phyllis Diller, American Comedian

Work, Advice, Children

5

"But I think funny and talent will always win out; I mean, of course there are hurdles, but I think if you're funny you will get over all of that."

"But I think funny and talent will always win out; I mean, of course there are hurdles, but I think if you're funny you will get over all of that."

Wanda Sykes, American Comedian

Funny, Talent, Will

5

"No, I love the idea that someone changes. As an actor it's always the thing that you look for. He is someone who starts off bright, cheerful and confident and then has everything taken away from him. It's a wonderful journey to take."

"No, I love the idea that someone changes. As an actor it's always the thing that you look for. He is someone who starts off bright, cheerful and confident and then has everything taken away from him. It's a wonderful journey to take."

Stephen Fry, British Comedian

Love, Idea, Actor, Journey

5

"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."

"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

5

"I hate music, especially when it's played."

"I hate music, especially when it's played."

Jimmy Durante, American Comedian

5

"No, sometimes we just have to take liberties because the idea was so good. I wish we'd just gone with the idea that Patsy had been a man. It would have been fantastic."

"No, sometimes we just have to take liberties because the idea was so good. I wish we'd just gone with the idea that Patsy had been a man. It would have been fantastic."

Jennifer Saunders, British Comedian

5

"Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun."

"Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun."

Flip Wilson, American Comedian

5

"You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it."

"You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it."

Robin Williams, American Comedian

5

"I didn't like the nervous tension of being a public person."

"I didn't like the nervous tension of being a public person."

Andrew Denton, Australian Comedian

Being, Public, Tension

5

"Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."

"Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."

George Carlin, American Comedian

Time, Work, People, Dream

5

"I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster."

"I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster."

Joe E. Lewis, American Comedian

5

"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."

"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

5

"I'm not really a political satirist. I don't kid myself. I'm more interested in doing the mannerisms and the personality."

"I'm not really a political satirist. I don't kid myself. I'm more interested in doing the mannerisms and the personality."

Rich Little, Canadian Comedian

5

"I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit."

"I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit."

Bill Hicks, American Comedian

Love, Truth, Laughter, Spirit

5

"I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line."

"I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line."

Lucille Ball, American Comedian

Love, Religion, First

5

"I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add."

"I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

5

"I met my wife, Doreen, who was a dancer in the show."

"I met my wife, Doreen, who was a dancer in the show."

Ernie Wise, English Comedian

5

"I quit smoking well over twenty years ago."

"I quit smoking well over twenty years ago."

Shelley Berman, American Comedian

5

"Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you."

"Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you."

Joey Adams, American Comedian

Temptation, Will, Worry

5

"I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke."

"I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke."

Spike Milligan, Irish Comedian

5

"This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now."

"This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now."

Bob Newhart, American Comedian

5

"Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope."

"Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope."

Bill Cosby, American Comedian

5

"It can make you sad to look at pictures from your youth. So there's a trick to it. The trick is not to look at the later pictures."

"It can make you sad to look at pictures from your youth. So there's a trick to it. The trick is not to look at the later pictures."

Jerry Stiller, American Comedian

5

"The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens."

"The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens."

Dennis Miller, American Comedian

State, states, United

5

"I am a quick study - I can memorize a script in an hour - but I can't remember a name three seconds. I've even forgotten my wife's name on occasion."

"I am a quick study - I can memorize a script in an hour - but I can't remember a name three seconds. I've even forgotten my wife's name on occasion."

Don Adams, American Comedian

Wife, Name, Quick, Study

5

"Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners."

"Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

5

"I have a new joke today. Martha Stewart's on suicide watch. They had to unplug all of her ovens."

"I have a new joke today. Martha Stewart's on suicide watch. They had to unplug all of her ovens."

Rip Taylor, American Comedian

5

"In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One."

"In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One."

Yakov Smirnoff, Russian Comedian

Propaganda, Russia

5

"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."

"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

5

"Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral."

"Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral."

Demetri Martin, American Comedian

5

"It's the Power of the Almighty, the Splendor of Nature, and then you."

"It's the Power of the Almighty, the Splendor of Nature, and then you."

Al Franken, American Comedian

5

"The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now."

"The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now."

Bill Cosby, American Comedian

Dream, Future, Now, Past

5

"All my children inherited perfect pitch."

"All my children inherited perfect pitch."

Chevy Chase, American Comedian

5

"You know you're old if your walker has an airbag."

"You know you're old if your walker has an airbag."

Phyllis Diller, American Comedian

5

"Desperation is a necessary ingredient to learning anything, or creating anything. Period. If you ain't desperate at some point, you ain't interesting."

"Desperation is a necessary ingredient to learning anything, or creating anything. Period. If you ain't desperate at some point, you ain't interesting."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

Desperation, Learning

5

"Words are often seen hunting for an idea, but ideas are never seen hunting for words."

"Words are often seen hunting for an idea, but ideas are never seen hunting for words."

Josh Billings, American Comedian

Idea, Ideas, Hunting, Words

5

"The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him."

"The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him."

Robert Benchley, American Comedian

5

"I think right now is the best time for stand-up, ever. I sincerely do."

"I think right now is the best time for stand-up, ever. I sincerely do."

Patton Oswalt, American Comedian

Time, Now, Right

5

"About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment."

"About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment."

Josh Billings, American Comedian

Hope, Judgment, Originality, Writer

5

"If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters."

"If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters."

Demetri Martin, American Comedian

5

"Every time I see Peter Falk in the movie I think that would be great. We'd be fun together."

"Every time I see Peter Falk in the movie I think that would be great. We'd be fun together."

Paul Reiser, American Comedian

5

"I'm not against half naked girls - not as often as I'd like to be."

"I'm not against half naked girls - not as often as I'd like to be."

Benny Hill, English Comedian

5

"People who don't use the tools given to them only injure themselves."

"People who don't use the tools given to them only injure themselves."

Debra Wilson, American Comedian

5

"Try to love someone who you want to hate, because they are just like you, somewhere inside, in a way you may never expect, in a way that resounds so deeply within you that you cannot believe it."

"Try to love someone who you want to hate, because they are just like you, somewhere inside, in a way you may never expect, in a way that resounds so deeply within you that you cannot believe it."

Margaret Cho, American Comedian

Love, Hate, May, Want

5

"I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me."

"I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me."

Elayne Boosler, American Comedian

5

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