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Quotes by Comedian
"You can (be a middle-aged comic) if you work very hard at it, because comedy is really hard."
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"Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water."
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"My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions."
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"He will know from and early age that failure is not disgrace. It's just a pitch that you missed, and you'd better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot heard round the world. My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don't."
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"Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure."
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"Woman's influence is powerful, especially when she wants something."
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"They were singing, Gillette, the best a man can get, with a lot of guys hugging their fathers and sailing and riding bikes. I suddenly felt a long way from the best a man could get and I thought it would be nice to get from there to the best."
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"Other men wear white suits in summer and it doesn't seem to bother them. But my white suit seems to be a little whiter than theirs. I think also that it may have something written on the back of it, although I can't find it when I take the suit off."
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"That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked."
Day,
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"I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered."
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"To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity."
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"I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy."
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"My opposition to Interviews lies in the fact that offhand answers have little value or grace of expression, and that such oral give and take helps to perpetuate the decline of the English language."
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"If government were a product, selling it would be illegal."
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"The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on."
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"Sometimes when we are generous in small, barely detectable ways it can change someone else's life forever."
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"It was the best job I ever had. I just left because my whole team was leaving and the new guys were coming."
Job,
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"New Rule: If we want to find a place to cut government waste, we must start with the DEA rubber duck. Yes, on the DEA's website you can buy a rubber ducky with a DEA badge and a cop's hat. Which I recommend doing, because they're a great place to hide your weed."
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"Pat O'Brien knows nothing. He's on the Hell express."
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"Minnesotans really think they run the whole world, I love that."
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"I played Liddy Dole last year and met her as well. From the artful way she phrased it, I still don't know if she had actually seen me play her. She made it sound like it was good, but that's just a gift they have."
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"The success of any stand-up act comes out of life experience."
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"I remember going to church about four times a week. I liked it a lot."
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"Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom."
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"I grew up with a mother who, every time she saw something, would say, I'm going to look that up. And I've become that person - I've become the reference-book person."
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"The Universe is very, very big.It also loves a paradox. For example, it has some extremely strict rules.Rule number one: Nothing lasts forever.Not you or your family or your house or your planet or the sun. It is an absolute rule. Therefore when someone says that their love will never die, it means that their love is not real, for everything that is real dies. Rule number two: Everything lasts forever."
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