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Quotes by Comedian
"Some interviewees you make friends with and some you don't."
30
"The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money."
30
"Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!"
30
"I'm getting positive feedback for my acting so we'll see if any other interesting parts come up."
30
"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?""
30
"They have what you call a black night where they have black people come in for just one night only to watch comedy, and you get all your local drug dealers, thugs, prostitutes, all of them come in, sit down, and listen to you tell jokes. They the hardest people to make laugh."
30
"Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas."
30
"If I had never ventured beyond being a stand-up comic, then I would be sitting in my house today working on my Leonardo DiCaprio impression."
30
"But I said wait a minute, I'm going to get a computer, I can do this as well as anybody else. So I did some studying so I knew what kind of boards to get to put a PC together. But there was a guy sitting there with Apple. I said, 'what's that?' and he goes, 'Apple with 128k, it's all built into the box,' and I bought it. That was my first computer."
30
"My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo."
30
"It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky."
30
"And now they are getting married, and I'm still single! What's wrong with me?"
30
"I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it."
30
"Most of my friends between 21 and 31 are at different stages of figuring out what the hell they are going to do with their lives. It's a big part of our generation. What is the next step?"
30
"Only lately, like within the last few years, have I had people actually do an impression of me to me, which weirds me out to think of what they have picked up on, without ever realizing it myself."
30
"It's sometimes shocking to find out what people really believe in."
30
"Contrary to what the politicians and religious leaders would like us to believe, the world won't be made safer by creating barriers between people."
30
"Then you had people who wanted to get into comedy just to get a TV deal."
30
"I learned a lot about handling fans from established stars."
30
"You can take and nail two sticks together like they've never been nailed together before and some fool will buy it."
30
"Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope."
30
"Nothing is impossible. Some things are just less likely than others."
30
"I was probably just trying to be Dennis Miller, but without the vocabulary to actually be Dennis Miller. I guess I was just less interesting than I am now, if I am interesting at all."
30
"In the fall of 1943 we brought home our second son, whom we named Alexander."
30
"You have to be willing to ask questions that almost no one else would ask."
30
"If an original piece of wardrobe came up from Star Wars, I'd probably spend a lot of money on it."
30
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