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"98% of all comedians feel obliged to be funny when interviewed. Less than 2% succeed."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Comedy to me has always seemed a social tightrope for the comedian. For all axioms intellectually sound the general public would prefer to be amused, but in those emotionally sound, it then chooses to get offended."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I'm traveling the world, ripping rooms apart with my stupendous comedy."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I hate comedy... Yo...-yo bitch."
Author Name
Personal Development
"You need to understand that some comedy can have consequences."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Now, if you have never been hit by a flying burrito, count yourself lucky. In terms of deadly projectiles, it's right up there with grenades and cannonballs."
Author Name
Personal Development
"You can't always go by the book, even in comedy."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Laughter is good for you. Nine out of ten stand-up comedians recommend laughter in the face of intense stupidity."
Author Name
Personal Development
"She's got feet like boats, whiskers like an American, and her undies are filthy."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I am a comic writer, which means I get to slay the dragons, and shoot the bull."
Author Name
Personal Development
More
"But I said wait a minute, I'm going to get a computer, I can do this as well as anybody else. So I did some studying so I knew what kind of boards to get to put a PC together. But there was a guy sitting there with Apple. I said, 'what's that?' and he goes, 'Apple with 128k, it's all built into the box,' and I bought it. That was my first computer."
Computer
"I was in the Air Force and was a boom operator (in-flight refueling). I got my comedy start in the Air Force."
Comedy
"Here's the thing about Apple, we complain and they give us more battery life. We complain and they'll give us more stuff. Everything's beta right now. Everything's experimental. They really don't know what people want."
Life
"We ask for way too much stuff - way too much stuff. You got a job making $100 a year and bought a house for $3 million. Talking about, 'I don't know what happened with the payment.'"
Job
"Don't let people treat you like you're stupid. If it sounds too good to be true, it is."
People
"We all want something else other than what we have and don't realize what you got works. It works. It does work. You gotta work. Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure."
Marriage
"I'm under stress. They killed me on wikipedia. They killed me. And I didn't stay dead long enough to sell no DVDs. I didn't even stay dead long enough - I was too stupid. I should've stayed low. I should've laid low. I could've been gone for a year; I'd have made money. And then I'd have risen from the dead."
Money
"If you got a name like Barack Obama, you're supposed to fight."
Fight
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