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Quotes by Comedian
"I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens."
36
"Maybe if I could ever be a successful comedian then I could be an example that Christians can also have fun."
36
"I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'"
36
"You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R."
36
"A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked."
36
"My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me."
36
"Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive."
36
"I couldn't imagine what Fox thought they were doing, contemplating such a jagged protagonist for a prime-time drama. I only knew that I wanted the role very much."
36
"I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad somebody in sports got stabbed. I like the idea of it; it's good entertainment. If we're lucky, it'll spread through sports. And show business, too! Wouldn't you like to see a guy jump up on stage and stab some famous singer? Especially a real shitty pop singer? Maybe they'll even start stabbing comedians. Fuck it, I'm ready! I never perform without my can of mace. I have a switchblade knife, too. I'll cut your eye out and go right on telling jokes."
36
"The biases the media has are much bigger than conservative or liberal. They're about getting ratings, about making money, about doing stories that are easy to cover."
36
"If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?"
36
"Fuck rational thought."
36
"I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge."
36
"And what's interesting about him as a comic character is that the custard pie hardly ever ends up on his face."
36
"Last good pratfall I did, I broke bones in both hands. I still feel it when people shake my hand."
36
"When you encounter seemingly good advice that contradicts other seemingly good advice, ignore them both."
36
"I was in the band as a boy and was taught music and learned to compose."
36
"It's a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy."
35
"Yeah, we shot ourselves in the foot right out of the gate. The guy who ran it at first misled pretty much everybody about how much capital we had. He said we had enough to go three years without making money, and we had enough to go three weeks."
35
"There are naked people in boots on a mountain top firing guns."
35
"The world is infinitely more complex than it appeared to me 15 years ago."
35
"Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick."
35
"The head writer loves that my character is a boor."
35
"It's cool to go to a place that has posters up and it's one night only. It feels more special."
35
"The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them."
35
"The person I have admired the most in comedy terms would be Eric Morecambe, who is my total hero."
35
"Food is my thing, I do not smoke or drink, so food is my vice."
35
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