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Quotes by Comedian
"Last good pratfall I did, I broke bones in both hands. I still feel it when people shake my hand."
46
"Sheep farming is heavily subsidized in Great Britain. Without the subsidies, the green grazing in the valley of the River Exe would be gone. The handsome agricultural landscape of which the British are so proud, carefully husbanded since Boudicca's day, would be replaced by natural growth. The most likely growth is real-estate developments."
46
"When I went out on tour as Bing Hitler I would hook up with Lenny and we'd get drunk together. He was always very supportive. He was a big star and a lot of what he said to me had power and impact. Apart from that, I just like him."
46
"Ever since I started to get recognition I've picked out certain fans and reverse-stalked them."
Fans,
46
"I was in the band as a boy and was taught music and learned to compose."
46
"I'm not on all the time. I like to have fun and be funny, but I'm much more of a thinker."
45
"Turn up your radio. Watch lots of telly and eat loads of choc. Feel guilty. Stay up all night. Learn everything in six hours that has taken you two years to compile. That's how I did it."
45
"There are naked people in boots on a mountain top firing guns."
45
"I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something."
45
"I'm here today because I refused to be unhappy. I took a chance."
45
"Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against."
45
"I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them."
45
"A woman can laugh and cry in three seconds and it's not weird. But if a man does it, it's very disturbing. The way I'd describe it is like this: I have been allowed inside the house of womanhood, but I feel that they wouldn't let me in any of the interesting rooms."
45
"The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi."
45
"I've never looked ahead very much in my life. I've never had any grand plan from the outset. I had no burning ambition to do what I do."
45
"In a more intellectually rigorous age, I wouldn't be talked about as a satirist at all. I would just be a topical comedian."
Age,
45
"I always wanted to be an explorer, but - it seemed I was doomed to be nothing more than a very silly person."
45
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes.""
45
"I say at this point, for different reasons, Bush and Hussein are both very threatening to world peace and to deny that is to be incredibly naive."
45
"I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry."
45
"I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."
45
"I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill."
45
"I always want to go back and do stand-up; I like the freedom."
45
"We felt like we had done as much as you can do with the slasher genre. We were trying to find the next group of scary movies that were ripe for parody."
45
"If people can't deal with their problems, they numb themselves a little bit."
45
"I'm still constantly thinking of ideas. I don't feel 90. I think I'm about 12."
45
"I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out."
45
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