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"I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them."
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"He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites."
Disaster
"I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy."
Beer
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
Boxing
"People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi."
People
"Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy."
Brother
"My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe."
Jokes
"I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator."
Night
"The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks."
Evil
"I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks."
Love
"When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas."
Coffee
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"The night creeps in by subtle degrees while a show of fierce colors attracts and distracts me. I look up, suddenly aware of remote lights scattered overhead. I gasp as the last streak of fire dies on the horizon, and I comprehend it all too late. That crafty, dark night has swallowed my world whole."
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Personal Development
"I can find in my undergraduate classes, bright students who do not know that the stars rise and set at night, or even that the Sun is a star."
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Personal Development
"The night I announced I was getting married, Daddy paced for hours on the porch."
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Personal Development
"I wasn't really qualified to be on Saturday Night Live - I'm not like an impressionist or anything."
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Personal Development
"Making sleep happen is a must - anytime, anywhere, from a plane to a train to an automobile. Ideally, I like to get eight to ten hours a night, though I'll take it broken up in two segments if I have to."
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Personal Development
"The one thing I could do was voices and impersonations and weird characters, and there was really no call for that, except on Saturday Night Live."
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Personal Development
"I was working at this club in downtown L.A. from four to eight at night, just Eddie Rubin, the drummer, and I."
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Personal Development
"Late night television is ready for someone like me... standards have gone to an all-time low."
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Personal Development
"Yes, beef is what was for dinner last night. Tonight it will be my dinner, and it will continue to be."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Most of those mocking us and our works night after night have not reached the point of suggesting we are going to use those weapons. They are pretty useless right now."
Author Name
Personal Development
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