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Explore more quotes by Emo Philips
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
"In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some."
"I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'"
"I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'"
"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote."
"I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks."
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Exlpore more Wife quotes
"I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago."
"If you would have a good wife, marry one who has been a good daughter."
"In Hawaii, we go to this wonderful place, all families. My wife and I go directly from breakfast to a beach chair where we read all day. My daughter goes from water to pool to running around with friends she meets, some of whom are regulars there."
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