"I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'"

Wife, Bed, Man

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"I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'"

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"I unfortunately don't speak French, but my wife is now fluent in English, which really reflects rather badly on me."

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Explore more quotes by Emo Philips

"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."

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"Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy."

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"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."

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"When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas."

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"He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites."

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"Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil."

Life

"I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'"

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"I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him."

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"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."

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"I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'"

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