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David Letterman

"Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton."

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"Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton."

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"I'm open-minded. I don't consider myself gay or hetero, I just am. I've had experiences all over the planet but it always comes down to just me, but I think at this point if I had an ongoing relationship I believe it would be with a man."

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"In the 1980s, there weren't a lot of role models for gay teenagers."

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"I am not gay, I just like pearls."

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"Lately, I've been a little sad that I'm not a gay man."

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"For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home."
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"New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move."
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"Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?"
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"President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either."
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"I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red."
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"Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives."
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"There is no off position on the genius switch."
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"The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral."
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"I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments."
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"I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host."
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