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Quotes by Comedian
"All men should strive to learn before they die, what they are running from, and to, and why."
50
"If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck."
50
"My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings."
50
"I have no qualifications to do anything else and there weren't any formal application forms you had to fill in for stand-up, so I thought I'd give that a twist."
50
"I used to draw a lot. If my mother would ask me to do something else, I'd have a hairy conniption. I'd just go crazy."
50
"I've been around the block a lot and I've had a merry trail for 55 years."
50
"I feel like a hostage to fortune. Not that I am complaining. I wanted to play the role. But in truth I didn't think the show would be such a success. OK, I thought it would fail. Not because it was bad. I was confident it was good, but plenty of good things just sort of wither on the vine."
50
"At this point I've got a bit of a track record. So people realize that when 'Weird Al' wants to go parody, it's not meant to make them look bad... it's meant to be a tribute."
50
"You know, the funny thing about Lorne and that show is that, you can go over one million things, but in a business of bean counters, he still likes to laugh at small things and creates a show around it."
50
"If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?"
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"One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like."
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"The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing."
50
"Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish."
50
"I used to lie in bed in my flat and imagine what would happen if there was a zombie attack."
50
"I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know."
50
"I think we're part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand; a higher order, call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. It doesn't punish, it doesn't reward, it doesn't judge at all. It just is."
50
"In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some."
50
"Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show."
50
"We must come to the point where we realize the concept of race is a false one. There is only one race, the human race."
Race,
50
"It's our nature: Human beings like success but they hate successful people."
50
"I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad somebody in sports got stabbed. I like the idea of it; it's good entertainment. If we're lucky, it'll spread through sports. And show business, too! Wouldn't you like to see a guy jump up on stage and stab some famous singer? Especially a real shitty pop singer? Maybe they'll even start stabbing comedians. Fuck it, I'm ready! I never perform without my can of mace. I have a switchblade knife, too. I'll cut your eye out and go right on telling jokes."
50
"I think I am, therefore, I am... I think."
50
"Driving a motorcycle is like flying. All your senses are alive. When I ride through Beverly Hills in the early morning, and all the sprinklers have turned off, the scents that wash over me are just heavenly. Being House is like flying, too. You're free of the gravity of what people think."
50
"The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel."
50
"I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man."
50
"Slow down and enjoy life. It's not only the scenery you miss by going to fast - you also miss the sense of where you are going and why."
50
"Creative comedy is like growing geraniums in a mine field."
50
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