Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 26/75

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Quotes by Comedian

"I remember when the first police scary video thing came out, and you thought, wow, ooh, look at this, come and look, come and look. And now it's on every channel."

"I remember when the first police scary video thing came out, and you thought, wow, ooh, look at this, come and look, come and look. And now it's on every channel."

Jennifer Saunders, British Comedian

Thought, First, Now, Police

40

"My mother was a professional sick person; she took a lot of pain pills. There are many people like that. It's just how they are used to getting attention. I always remember she's the daughter of alcoholics who'd leave her alone at Christmas time."

"My mother was a professional sick person; she took a lot of pain pills. There are many people like that. It's just how they are used to getting attention. I always remember she's the daughter of alcoholics who'd leave her alone at Christmas time."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

Time, Mother, Daughter, People

40

"Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to."

"Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to."

Bill Hicks, American Comedian

Woman, Women, Now, Sexes

40

"We try to... we are, I suppose to a certain extent all affected and erm, that is both funny and sad I think."

"We try to... we are, I suppose to a certain extent all affected and erm, that is both funny and sad I think."

Tony Hancock, British Comedian

40

"Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show."

"Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

40

"Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'."

"Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'."

Joan Rivers, American Comedian

Daughter, Kids, Now, Respect

40

"So instead of talking about theoretical ways of ending the war and violence, I say that we have to get rid of the individual asholes in each office and situation."

"So instead of talking about theoretical ways of ending the war and violence, I say that we have to get rid of the individual asholes in each office and situation."

Colin Quinn, American Comedian

War, Ending, Office, Talking

40

"The trend now is to get away from stage bound sitcoms."

"The trend now is to get away from stage bound sitcoms."

Dylan Moran, Irish Comedian

40

"The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity."

"The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity."

George Carlin, American Comedian

Reflection, Effort, Reward, Recognition, Justice

40

"We had problems like all families but we had a lot of love. I was extremely loved. We always felt we had each other."

"We had problems like all families but we had a lot of love. I was extremely loved. We always felt we had each other."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

40

"People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them."

"People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them."

George Carlin, American Comedian

Philosophy, Humanity, Individual, Wonder, Observation

40

"You are only young once, and if you work it right, once is enough."

"You are only young once, and if you work it right, once is enough."

Joe E. Lewis, American Comedian

40

"Comedy has to be done en clair. You can't blunt the edge of wit or the point of satire with obscurity. Try to imagine a famous witty saying that is not immediately clear."

"Comedy has to be done en clair. You can't blunt the edge of wit or the point of satire with obscurity. Try to imagine a famous witty saying that is not immediately clear."

James Thurber, American Comedian

Comedy, Famous, Obscurity, Satire

40

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."

Jerry Seinfeld, American Comedian

Body, Now, Pretty

40

"I mean, I guess I realized subconsciously that this is what I should be doing before I realized it, consciously. Verbally, I don't think I had committed to it, even though I was driving everywhere, every night, just trying to get on stage."

"I mean, I guess I realized subconsciously that this is what I should be doing before I realized it, consciously. Verbally, I don't think I had committed to it, even though I was driving everywhere, every night, just trying to get on stage."

Todd Barry, American Comedian

Driving, Night, Trying

40

"It is not all bad, this getting old, ripening. After the fruit has got its growth it should juice up and mellow. God forbid I should live long enough to ferment and rot and fall to the ground in a squash."

"It is not all bad, this getting old, ripening. After the fruit has got its growth it should juice up and mellow. God forbid I should live long enough to ferment and rot and fall to the ground in a squash."

Josh Billings, American Comedian

God, Growth, Old

40

"I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."

"I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."

Bob Hope, American Comedian

Benefit, Benefits, Hate

40

"When my brother-in-law, BIll Clinton, was elected, he had gay friends. That was a coming out."

"When my brother-in-law, BIll Clinton, was elected, he had gay friends. That was a coming out."

Kate Clinton, American Comedian

Brother, Friends, Gay

40

"People have always said, are you gay? I've had a lot of that. But it's just not in me. I really like women a lot; I'm repulsed by men sexually."

"People have always said, are you gay? I've had a lot of that. But it's just not in me. I really like women a lot; I'm repulsed by men sexually."

Russell Brand, English Comedian

Men, Women, People, Gay

40

"Bullshit is the glue that binds us as a nation."

"Bullshit is the glue that binds us as a nation."

George Carlin, American Comedian

Society, Deception, Truth, Observation, Irony

40

"Honesty is the rarest wealth anyone can possess, and yet all the honesty in the world ain't lawful tender for a loaf of bread."

"Honesty is the rarest wealth anyone can possess, and yet all the honesty in the world ain't lawful tender for a loaf of bread."

Josh Billings, American Comedian

Honesty, Wealth, World

40

"The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel."

"The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel."

James Thurber, American Comedian

Comedy, Limitations, Rules, Taste

40

"I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up."

"I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up."

Dane Cook, American Comedian

Business, Giving, Open, Quitting

40

"You give the guy an Image Award three years in a row and then turn on him like that? If that's the role they want to fulfill, they need to send a clearer message."

"You give the guy an Image Award three years in a row and then turn on him like that? If that's the role they want to fulfill, they need to send a clearer message."

Orlando Jones, American Comedian

40

"I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man."

"I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man."

Frank Carson, Irish Comedian

40

"Slow down and enjoy life. It's not only the scenery you miss by going to fast - you also miss the sense of where you are going and why."

"Slow down and enjoy life. It's not only the scenery you miss by going to fast - you also miss the sense of where you are going and why."

Eddie Cantor, American Comedian

40

"Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you."

"Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you."

George Carlin, American Comedian

Skepticism, Belief, Religion, Money, Power

40

"I thought comedy would be the hardest thing I could do, and if I could do that, I could do anything."

"I thought comedy would be the hardest thing I could do, and if I could do that, I could do anything."

Rodney Carrington, American Comedian

Thought, Comedy

40

"Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them."

"Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them."

Chris Rock, American Comedian

Movies, Job, Now, Right

40

"Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of."

"Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of."

Robert Benchley, American Comedian

40

"Dogs are forever in the push up postion."

"Dogs are forever in the push up postion."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

40

"The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public."

"The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public."

Phyllis Diller, American Comedian

Woman, Women, Football, Play, Public

40

"Change is such hard work."

"Change is such hard work."

Billy Crystal, American Comedian

Change, Work, Hard work

40

"People are still willing to do an honest day's work. The trouble is they want a week's pay for it."

"People are still willing to do an honest day's work. The trouble is they want a week's pay for it."

Joey Adams, American Comedian

Work, People, Day, Trouble

40

"You know, I live a monastic lifestyle. No, I do. I do live in extremes, basically. I go back and forth. Once every six months, I'll have a day where I eat more chocolate than has ever been consumed by a human being."

"You know, I live a monastic lifestyle. No, I do. I do live in extremes, basically. I go back and forth. Once every six months, I'll have a day where I eat more chocolate than has ever been consumed by a human being."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

Being, Day, Extremes, Months

40

"Work is no longer challenging."

"Work is no longer challenging."

John Belushi, American Comedian

40

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

Steve Martin, American Comedian

40

"I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of a weird set to try to put together."

"I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of a weird set to try to put together."

Jeff Foxworthy, American Comedian

40

"As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."

"As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."

Buddy Hackett, American Comedian

40

"Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel."

"Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel."

David Letterman, American Comedian

Experts, Iraq, May, News

39

"If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor."

"If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor."

Joan Rivers, American Comedian

39

"Privacy and security are those things you give up when you show the world what makes you extraordinary."

"Privacy and security are those things you give up when you show the world what makes you extraordinary."

Margaret Cho, American Comedian

Privacy, Security, World

39

"Death can really absorb a person. Lik most people, I would find it pleasant not to have to go, but you just accept that it's more or less inevitable."

"Death can really absorb a person. Lik most people, I would find it pleasant not to have to go, but you just accept that it's more or less inevitable."

Graham Chapman, British Comedian

39

"I think NASCAR's coming to Canada now so it'll take on a whole new relevance. Be afraid."

"I think NASCAR's coming to Canada now so it'll take on a whole new relevance. Be afraid."

Samantha Bee, American Comedian

39

"Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere."

"Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere."

George Burns, American Comedian

39

"It was my father who taught me to value myself. He told me that I was uncommonly beautiful and that I was the most precious thing in his life."

"It was my father who taught me to value myself. He told me that I was uncommonly beautiful and that I was the most precious thing in his life."

Dawn French, British Comedian

Life, Father, Value

39

"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."

"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

Work, Mortality, Pretty

39

"One can only guess the amount of magic mushrooms a sane person would have to consume to believe that a frisbee constituted a genuine threat to roughly 3,000 police officers."

"One can only guess the amount of magic mushrooms a sane person would have to consume to believe that a frisbee constituted a genuine threat to roughly 3,000 police officers."

Mark Thomas, British Comedian

39

"I am just fascinated by this reassurance from a menacing figure. It is rather frightening."

"I am just fascinated by this reassurance from a menacing figure. It is rather frightening."

Rory Bremner, British Comedian

39

"I am tired of angry feminists. I like my women happy, gregarious... and bathed."

"I am tired of angry feminists. I like my women happy, gregarious... and bathed."

Evan Sayet, American Comedian

39

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