Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 24/64

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Quotes by Comedian

"If I had never ventured beyond being a stand-up comic, then I would be sitting in my house today working on my Leonardo DiCaprio impression."

"If I had never ventured beyond being a stand-up comic, then I would be sitting in my house today working on my Leonardo DiCaprio impression."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

Impression, Being, Today

4

"We are losing the democracy that we're trying to sell in the Mideast and everywhere else right here in our own nation."

"We are losing the democracy that we're trying to sell in the Mideast and everywhere else right here in our own nation."

Rosie O'Donnell, American Comedian

Democracy, Losing, Nation, Right

4

"In TV, and in particular in commercials, you don't really need to explain very much at all - you just say he's a spy and he's a little bit theatrical and overblown and smug and he's not very good at his job."

"In TV, and in particular in commercials, you don't really need to explain very much at all - you just say he's a spy and he's a little bit theatrical and overblown and smug and he's not very good at his job."

Rowan Atkinson, English Comedian

4

"I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is."

"I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

Faces, Names, Trouble

4

"Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers."

"Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers."

P. J. O'Rourke, American Comedian

Punishment, Schools, Teachers

4

"When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half."

"When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half."

Gracie Allen, American Comedian

4

"I consider a CD or a comedy collection as a record of what I've been doing, and I try to wrap it up and start new material."

"I consider a CD or a comedy collection as a record of what I've been doing, and I try to wrap it up and start new material."

Kate Clinton, American Comedian

4

"I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'"

"I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'"

Tommy Cooper, British Comedian

4

"Nowadays men lead lives of noisy desperation."

"Nowadays men lead lives of noisy desperation."

James Thurber, American Comedian

Men, Desperation

4

"We rest our case on the production numbers."

"We rest our case on the production numbers."

Mel Brooks, American Comedian

Numbers, Production, Rest

4

"I can't talk to a man who bears an undeserved animosity towards ferrets."

"I can't talk to a man who bears an undeserved animosity towards ferrets."

Graham Chapman, British Comedian

4

"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off."

"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off."

Johnny Carson, American Comedian

4

"Just the fact that I'm in the game is great. I'm just blessed to be working. I got a plan, but I'm humble and I try to be humble."

"Just the fact that I'm in the game is great. I'm just blessed to be working. I got a plan, but I'm humble and I try to be humble."

Mike Epps, American Comedian

4

"It's really not that hard. If I do a Tonight Show, it's six or seven minutes. If I do a concert, it's 90 minutes. If I do an interview, that's 15 minutes. So by the end of the day I've done three hours worth of work."

"It's really not that hard. If I do a Tonight Show, it's six or seven minutes. If I do a concert, it's 90 minutes. If I do an interview, that's 15 minutes. So by the end of the day I've done three hours worth of work."

Howie Mandel, Canadian Comedian

Work, Day, End, Worth

4

"People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant."

"People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant."

Ellen DeGeneres, American Comedian

4

"People drain me, even the closest of friends, and I find loneliness to be the best state in the union to live in."

"People drain me, even the closest of friends, and I find loneliness to be the best state in the union to live in."

Margaret Cho, American Comedian

People, Friends, Loneliness, State

4

"The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves."

"The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves."

David Letterman, American Comedian

Intelligence, Giving, Jokes

4

"And now they are getting married, and I'm still single! What's wrong with me?"

"And now they are getting married, and I'm still single! What's wrong with me?"

Mark McKinney, Canadian Comedian

4

"It's hard to get fired from the government. You have to, like, kill people."

"It's hard to get fired from the government. You have to, like, kill people."

Wanda Sykes, American Comedian

Government, People

4

"One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control."

"One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control."

Rodney Dangerfield, American Comedian

Control, Birth control

4

"I think in life, the sense of humor and comedy always exists."

"I think in life, the sense of humor and comedy always exists."

Mike Epps, American Comedian

Humor, Life, Comedy, Sense

4

"I have deep respect for people's individual faith, but when faith gets connected to the machinery of state, or the machinery of hate, I find it very confronting."

"I have deep respect for people's individual faith, but when faith gets connected to the machinery of state, or the machinery of hate, I find it very confronting."

Andrew Denton, Australian Comedian

Faith, People, Deep, Hate

4

"It's got too much hard work slapping them and telling them to shut up."

"It's got too much hard work slapping them and telling them to shut up."

Jo Brand, British Comedian

Work, Hard work

4

"My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing."

"My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing."

Emo Philips, American Comedian

4

"One of the most important days of my life was when I learned to ride a bicycle."

"One of the most important days of my life was when I learned to ride a bicycle."

Michael Palin, British Comedian

4

"If people can't deal with their problems, they numb themselves a little bit."

"If people can't deal with their problems, they numb themselves a little bit."

Kevin Nealon, American Comedian

People, Problems

4

"Stand-up comedy and poverty. Those were my two main endeavors."

"Stand-up comedy and poverty. Those were my two main endeavors."

Dave Foley, Canadian Comedian

Comedy, Poverty

4

"I'm a 7 o'clock act. My people want to go to a show, a dinner and then go home and go to bed."

"I'm a 7 o'clock act. My people want to go to a show, a dinner and then go home and go to bed."

Louie Anderson, American Comedian

Home, People, Act, Bed

4

"Nannies love working in our house because they never know who's gonna walk through the door."

"Nannies love working in our house because they never know who's gonna walk through the door."

Ruby Wax, American Comedian

4

"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up."

"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up."

Phyllis Diller, American Comedian

Children, First, Months, Talk

4

"While you're improvising, you may come up with something which will break him up. As soon as that smile comes out, you know that, hey, we're having fun."

"While you're improvising, you may come up with something which will break him up. As soon as that smile comes out, you know that, hey, we're having fun."

Shelley Berman, American Comedian

Fun, May, Smile, Will

4

"I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out."

"I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out."

Jay London, American Comedian

4

"I was always the guy getting kicked out of my classes at school for having an attitude problem."

"I was always the guy getting kicked out of my classes at school for having an attitude problem."

Chevy Chase, American Comedian

Attitude, School

4

"Don't get it right, just get it written."

"Don't get it right, just get it written."

James Thurber, American Comedian

4

"Christ, seven years of college, down the drain."

"Christ, seven years of college, down the drain."

John Belushi, American Comedian

Christ, College, Years

4

"You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot."

"You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot."

Elayne Boosler, American Comedian

Man, Walking, Woman

4

"The incognito of lower class employment is an effective cloak for any dagger one might wish to hide."

"The incognito of lower class employment is an effective cloak for any dagger one might wish to hide."

Margaret Cho, American Comedian

4

"I made a supreme effort not to do that thing that parents do, which is to bore people without children to death by going on and on about how funny their children are, so there's none of that hopefully."

"I made a supreme effort not to do that thing that parents do, which is to bore people without children to death by going on and on about how funny their children are, so there's none of that hopefully."

Jo Brand, British Comedian

Death, Funny, People, Children

4

"One of the guys that used to run it - for some reason I've no idea why he used to call me the Sea Monster and I was just looking around for a name and thought that'll do. That lasted for a couple of years probably."

"One of the guys that used to run it - for some reason I've no idea why he used to call me the Sea Monster and I was just looking around for a name and thought that'll do. That lasted for a couple of years probably."

Jo Brand, British Comedian

Thought, Idea, Name, Reason

4

"The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast."

"The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast."

Bob Hope, American Comedian

4

"If somebody came up with a really good idea, everyone would back it. Especially when we did the show, we had a real dedication that, if you were in somebody else's scene, everyone worked their hardest to make that scene good."

"If somebody came up with a really good idea, everyone would back it. Especially when we did the show, we had a real dedication that, if you were in somebody else's scene, everyone worked their hardest to make that scene good."

Dave Foley, Canadian Comedian

Idea, Dedication

4

"Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex."

"Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

4

"This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number."

"This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number."

Henny Youngman, American Comedian

4

"What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke."

"What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke."

Steve Martin, American Comedian

Art, People, Comedy

4

"If you want to make a dangerous man your friend, let him do you a favor."

"If you want to make a dangerous man your friend, let him do you a favor."

Joe E. Lewis, American Comedian

Friendship, Friend, Man, Want

4

"There are two kinds of light - the glow that illuminates, and the glare that obscures."

"There are two kinds of light - the glow that illuminates, and the glare that obscures."

James Thurber, American Comedian

4

"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."

"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

4

"No day is so bad it can't be fixed with a nap."

"No day is so bad it can't be fixed with a nap."

Carrie P. Snow, American Comedian

4

"Leno, Conan. They are both really funny. They really know how to land one."

"Leno, Conan. They are both really funny. They really know how to land one."

Jimmy Fallon, American Comedian

4

"It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who."

"It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who."

Joan Rivers, American Comedian

4

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