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Quotes by Comedian
"Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed."
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"I am not, I repeat, NOT a lesbian - even though I'd like to be one when I grow up."
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"Because I have a girlfriend, I try and take the straight and narrow path, which is good because it prevents VD."
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"My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic."
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"I have this beautiful antique silver wine decanter that I bought at an auction. I always pour wine from that."
Wine,
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"It was actually 3 years between albums. That seems like a long time to me."
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"I am not a cat man, but a dog man, and all felines can tell this at a glance - a sharp, vindictive glance."
Man,
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"I had a romance novel inside me, but I paid three sailors to beat it out if me with steel pipes."
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"I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before."
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"Learning lines is on my mind until I do know them. I'll read the paper or paint the house to keep from starting to memorize. I've never found an easy way."
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"The hardest part about being a kid is knowing you have got your whole life ahead of you."
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"Unquestionably, standup comedy is and has always been an art form."
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"I actually got the part. And I thought, Well, I'll do it for a while. I'll just quit if it's stupid."
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"Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders."
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"I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy."
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"I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock."
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"I never do any television without chocolate. That's my motto and I live by it. Quite often I write the scripts and I make sure there are chocolate scenes. Actually I'm a bit of a chocolate tart and will eat anything. It's amazing I'm so slim."
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"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook."
Man,
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"I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'"
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"I don't believe in this business of being behind, better to be in front."
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"And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected."
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"I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost."
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"Having a great intellect is no path to being happy."
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"My mother had morning sickness after I was born."
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"I'm too tough and sensitive to have to have some pubescent twerp with his mom's earring in his tongue, who combs his hair with Redi-Whip and has an Ani DiFranco tattoo on his shin, come show me how a computer works."
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"I'm actually about as famous as a fourth division footballer from the 70s."
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"Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you."
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"I like pens. My writing is so amazing there's never a need to erase."
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"Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys."
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