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Quotes by Comedian
"I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age."
41
"Having a great intellect is no path to being happy."
41
"My mother had morning sickness after I was born."
41
"Well... Actually I got picked because I was the only one who fit the wedding gown - they had my size."
41
"An optimist is a girl who mistakes a bulge for a curve."
41
"It's getting harder and harder to differentiate between schizophrenics and people talking on a cell phone. It still brings me up short to walk by somebody who appears to be talking to themselves."
41
"In some company it's perfectly all right to prick your finger, but very bad form to finger your prick."
41
"Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves."
41
"I like pens. My writing is so amazing there's never a need to erase."
41
"Once I found out how much an Off-Off-Broadway actor makes, I was whoring myself out the next day."
41
"A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag."
40
"If you become president, you're guaranteed to develop some nervous habit."
40
"Suddenly you're like a pirate, you're 65 years old and you've got an earring."
40
"The only real happiness a ballplayer has is when he is playing a ball game and accomplishes something he didn't think he could do."
40
"Very quickly after meeting Dustin, the whole image I had of him was shattered."
40
"A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down."
40
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments."
40
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
40
"Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive."
40
"I've found a more personal, pagan kind of religion to satisfy the spiritual side of things."
40
"I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot."
40
"Look, I don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you're not alive."
40
"I consider a CD or a comedy collection as a record of what I've been doing, and I try to wrap it up and start new material."
40
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