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"I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'"
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"I am spoiled, it's true. I don't even know how to use that thing in the kitchen with the burners."

"The best thing I have is the knife from Fatal Attraction. I hung it in my kitchen. It's my way of saying, Don't mess with me."

"I'm good in the kitchen. I can cook seafood, collard greens, black-eyed peas."

"The house is in turmoil with records on every space. In the kitchen and in the dining room is covered with records. I don't have a big enough house to accommodate everything."

"I'm in a loft and the kitchen is in the very center of the apartment. The whole place revolves around it."

"The kitchen may not get cleaned, and I have to accept that. I do the important things."

"I've never cooked. I can't do much more in the kitchen than make a cup of tea and some toast."
Explore more quotes by Tommy Cooper


"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."


"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"


"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"


"A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'"


"So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'"


"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"
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