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Quotes by Comedian
"I'm not really a political satirist. I don't kid myself. I'm more interested in doing the mannerisms and the personality."
40
"A closet full of wire hangers can be the most dangerous place in the world."
40
"The Broad research center represents the highest quality model of what Proposition 71 should be funding."
40
"Absolute faith can blind you to the consequences of the actions you allow. It can tell you it's okay to drop bombs on another country, or that it's okay to hate a group of people such as homosexuals."
40
"It's not every day people fly you to New York for auditions."
40
"I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... a large Arctic region covered with ice."
40
"Are Christians too stupid that we can't write a script, we can't film a movie OR we don't know how to act?"
40
"Sometimes, as a comedian, a line will come to you, that is so beautiful, so perfect, that you think: I did not create this line. This line belongs to all of us. Surely this is a line of God."
40
"American audiences tend to be more expressive than British ones."
40
"Michelle Obama was asked when life begins. According to her it's when she and Barack take over the White House."
Life,
40
"The car provided Americans with an enviable standard of living. You could not get a steady job with high wages and health and retirement benefits working on the General Livestock Corporation assembly line putting udders on cows."
40
"Just like in the workplace, women who are good workers are the best workers."
40
"I didn't really have a plan of attack when I got in college."
40
"A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well."
40
"Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great."
40
"There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation."
40
"I haven't got as much money as some folks, but I've got as much impudence as any of them, and that's the next thing to money."
40
"I'm always amazed at the human capacity to not make fundamental changes, but instead merely adapt. I see these pictures of people in Beijing and New Delhi, walking around with masks on, because you can't walk outside your house and breathe? If you can't breathe? If that's not the cue to make a fundamental change, I don't know what is!"
40
"The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him."
40
"New Rule: You're never going to pick up women at a coffee shop pretending to be working on your laptop. You don't look like you're sensitive, you look like you're homeless.The last guy to pick up a chick with an Apple was Adam. And when you sit across from another dateless loser with a laptop, it still doesn't look like you're working--it looks like you're playing Battleship."
40
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